Mr Game & Watch: Stories of a Comedian Warrior
by ComedyMagmar
Summary: You think there are far too many Survivor stories for the SSBM characters! Well, here's another, with G&W, Pichu and the others! (Pauses for moans to finish.) We cannot stress how much we hate reality! ... TV, of course.
1. Decision Making, Roommate Fighting

I do not own Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong County, F-Zero, Metroid, Fire Emblem, Pokémon, Game & Watch series, Star Fox, Legend of Zelda, Ice Climber, or Earthbound. But why can't I?

This story came to my mind when I was daydreaming around. I can't see how you people reply, especially Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu fans! Have fun reading!

Chapter 01 - Decision Making, Roommate Fighting

"Well, is everybody here?" Mario asked his fellow smashers. Even though Mr. Game & Watch wasn't in sight, Mario continued. "Okay, good. This board meeting is about our biggest annoyance in the Super Smash-a Brothers league!"

"Ganondorf snores in his sleep! Loudly!" Bowser, Ganondorf's roommate, complained.

"I do not! Anyway, you talk in your sleep!" Ganondorf shouted angrily.

"Falco uses my-a pills for target practice!" Doctor Mario complained.

"My gun has been taken again!" Captain Falcon informed them. "Who took it?"

"Oh, beats me!" Pikachu replied, carefully hiding the gun behind him. "_Now those anti-Pokémon fans won't think I'm so cute and cuddly when I visit their homes!_" he thought to himself.

"We're out of food again!" Kirby informed them.

"Dang it!" Yoshi shouted. "Who eats all of it anyway? ...Oh, I do."

"Well, YOU have bad breath!" Bowser yelled at Ganondorf.

"Samus hasn't bathed in weeks!" Donkey Kong shouted, pointing at the female bounty hunter. "I can smell her from here, even though she's in that suit!"

"I TOLD you, I forgot the bloody password that lets me take it off!" Samus calmly told him.

"I died in another fanfiction story!" Marth told them. "Why does that keep happening?"

"Aw, cheer up, dude!" Captain Falcon patted his friend on the shoulder. "If we had a quarter for every time I died-"

"We'd be fire trucking rich." Link finished the statement.

"Bingo. Though I'm not proud of it, I assure you that."

"Neither am I!" Pichu chirped as his ears twitched. "Those immature imbeciles believe themselves to be masterpiece creators in the art of Super Smash Brothers fanfiction, but their trash is nothing more than a waste of internet space!"

"He sure put that thesaurus to use, didn't he?" Zelda chuckled.

"YOU don't brush your teeth!" Ganondorf shouted at Bowser.

"Can I have another game?" Luigi asked Mario. "I mean, I love the one I have-a now, but why not-"

"What about me?" Peach asked.

"Well, you can have-a one to!" Luigi suggested, then turned back to Mario. "PLEASE could we both-a have-a new games? I've beaten all the games I've been given so far on my Gamecube, and that includes Super Monkey Ball!"

"Hey, I FLOSS!!" Bowser pointed out to Ganondorf.

"This isn't what I-a meant by our biggest annoyance!" Mario tried to get their attention, but it was no good.

"I want to see the newest episode of Yu-Gi-Oh!, but it's a whole week away!" Young Link whined. "Can't they dub those darn episodes any FASTER?!

"I want to know WHY Paula didn't get to be a playable character!" Ness shouted. "Or Jeff or Poo!"

"Poo?" Nana repeated, then snickered. "I can see why!"

"You be quiet!" Ness muttered.

"People!" Mario exclaimed, trying to get their attention again.

"I SHOWER, unlike YOU, Bowser!" Ganondorf bellowed.

"Knock it off, you two!" Mario shouted. "I meant Mr. Game & Watch!"

"What about him?" Roy asked.

"I thought you all were-a sick of him?" Mario asked.

"We ARE!" the majority of the members answered.

"I don't recall confirming that opinion...," Pichu muttered.

"I never said that!" Fox McCloud shouted.

"Huh? Why?" Yoshi asked.

"Mr. Game & Watch?" Captain Falcon repeated. "No, not me."

"You guys are sick of him?" Ness asked the others.

"No, I clearly stated that being fed up with Mr. Game & Watch was out of the question!" Pichu informed Ness.

"I meant the others, Pichu."

"Ah, my miscalculation."

Mario tapped his foot. "So, in an attempt to get some stupid fanfiction story with lousy humor in it, we are going to vote him off the island!"

"We're what?" Falco asked.

"...Err, I mean we're going to remove him from the league!" Mario corrected himself.

"Oh." Falco replied. Falco wasn't much of a talker. "Right." See? He even does very small talk with me, the narrator!

"I do believe that the narrator is not supposed to talk place in a story, disturbing the characters with verbal comments!" Pichu shouted. "So would you would be as to not interfere with us?"

Fine, fine. Sheesh! Kid gets one thesaurus and thinks he's all that!

"I do believe I just informed you the rules of verbal communication between narrators and characters!" Pichu spoke up.

Fine!

"Jolly good, he's-a gone!" Doctor Mario cheered.

"So, do I get to throw him out?" Bowser asked, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

"No! I get to throw him out!" Ganondorf shouted.

"You shut up, GanonSNORE! We know how bad YOUR throws are!" Bowser replied.

"Well, if you want someone who has strong throws, then pick me!" Samus raised her arm.

"No, me!" Donkey Kong shouted.

"Calm down, both of you!" Mewtwo ordered. "After all, I have the best throws!"

"True!" the Smash Brothers all agreed, except Ganondorf.

"But your down one stinks!" Ganondorf shouted.

"It is not THAT bad!" Pichu spoke up. "And if you want to argue with that kind of logic, who here has a really powerful downward throw? Flashy ones don't count."

The room was silent.

"Case settled." Pichu concluded.

"No, we are still talking about Game & Watch!" Mario spoke up.

"Right, right. My vote is he stays!" Pichu spoke out.

"I second that!" Fox agreed.

"Well, I'm bigger than BOTH of you combined...," Bowser roared. "SO I BEAT YOU BOTH WITH MY FOUR VOTES!!! BUA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!"

Fox rolled his eyes. "He really needs a girlfriend."

"Well, we know who stands for what, so out he goes, due to the majority of us!" Mario shouted.

Just then, as if on cue, Mr. Game & Watch entered the room. He beeped as he opened the door. He beeped as he closed the door. He beeped as he walked to his chair. He beeped as he sat down in his chair. He beeped as he waved his arms and shouted, "THEY GOT THE POINT!"

"Mr. Game & Watch...," Mario started, pausing for dramatic effect. "The majority of us are tired of you here."

"Oh, I'm so hurt," the stick-figure man replied sarcastically.

"So we declare you the weakest link! NO!! Drat it all!" Mario slapped his forehead, then took a deep breath. "We want you out of the league."

"Oh, I see. You all are two-dimensional racist. That's okay, though. Do I get any say in it?" Mr. Game & Watch asked.

Mario took this into consideration. "Well...yes. You could resolve to stay by some type of agreement."

"We all know that since this game is based on a combat game," Pichu spoke up. "that the agreement will revolve around some type of melee battle."

"You've got that right!" Zelda chimed in.

"So, who shall I face?" Mr. Game & Watch asked. 

"ME!!' Bowser and Ganondorf shouted in unison, then glared at each other.

"I fight him!" Ganondorf barked at the King of Koopas.

"I fight him!" Bowser yelled at the King of Thieves.

The two royal members shouted at each other until it got quite deafening.

"I FIGHT HIM!!!" Ganondorf bellowed.

"I FIGHT HIM!!!" Bowser roared.

"I FIGHT HIM!!!"

"I FIGHT HIM!!!"

"I FIGHT HIM!!!"

"I'LL EAT YOU!!!"

"YOU FIGHT HIM!!!"

"Case settled!" Mario exclaimed. "Mr. Game & Watch, you must defeat Bowser in order to stay in our league!"

"I got the picture!" Mr. Game & Watch hopped out of his chair. "Let's go, Turtle-Butt!"

"TURTLE-BUTT!?" Bowser roared. "HOW DARE YOU!!!"

"Turtle-Butt! Hee hee hee!" Peach giggled.

"Ha ha haaaaa! Turtle-Butt!" Fox laughed.

"Turtle-Butt! Heh heh heh!" Captain Falcon chuckled.

"Well, if you call me such a name, then I pick the arena!" Bowser shouted.

"Pick away, Turtle-Butt!" Mr. Game & Watch offered.

Bowser grinned evilly, a grin that most normal people would either freeze in terror, or cause them to run, crying to mommy. Since Mr. Game & Watch is far from being the normal type of person, he just stood there and prayed that Bowser wouldn't eat him.

"It's not a map that was in the game!" Bowser chuckled sinisterly. "It is MY MAP! My castle! We will fight there, and I will crush you into 2-D pieces!! MUA HA HA HAAAAAA!!"

"Sounds good, except the last part." Mr. Game & Watch replied.

"Is the chapter over yet?" Roy asked. "I want to take a shower!"

"Go ahead. It is." Mario told him.

"But that means we're leaving all the readers in suspense!" Mewtwo spoke up.

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, but they usually do."

"Ah, the chapter is over!" Pichu sighed. "'Tis a shame, for now the replies will come swarming in, some saying how masterfully written this is, or how talentless we are, and some will make requests for one of us to die, forgetting that is for some other stories out there!"

CHAPTER ONE IS OVER. IF YOU SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGES, THEN CHAPTER UNO OR CHAPTER ALPHA IS OVER.


	2. Mr Game & Watch VS Turtle Butt

****

Chapter 02 - Game & Watch VS. Turtle-Butt

"Are we back now?" Jigglypuff asked the others.

The majority of the Smash Brothers were in the main room. In fact, the only ones missing were Zelda, Link and Pichu.

"Yep." Mario replied to Jigglypuff.

"Go get Zelda, Link and Pichu, Young Link. They're both going to miss the fight!" Marth requested.

As Young Link ran off to get his older self and the princess, Peach turned to Luigi and asked, "Where ARE they anyway?"

"I'm not-a sure...," Luigi admitted. "First Link left because he said he thought there was-a something going on in his-a room, then Zelda left because she said that she needed to...check up...on something...," Luigi trailed off as he put two and two together and got one heck of a four.

"How come Link and Mario have beautiful princesses?" Roy asked outloud. "How come Marth and I don't have girlfriends?"

"You wait until you actually HAVE a game in the USA, bub!" Bowser laughed.

"And Roy, I am married. It was in one of the Japanese games, and I had to save the world before our marriage." Marth informed his friend.

"How...romantic." Pikachu commented uncertainly.

"That's love in the world of Nintendo!" Popo chuckled.

Roy groaned and shook his head. "Some guys get all the luck!"

Zelda and Link walked up the others, looking somewhat tired, their clothes put on sloppily.

"Well, I glad that SOME people can enjoy themselves during chapter breaks!" Roy said, louder than normal.

"Jealous?" Ness asked him.

"Madly." Roy groaned.

Then Young Link and Pichu came running back. Pichu was wearing his blue goggles and blue bandana. "Sorry!" the small electric Pokémon apologized. "I was attempting to get my headgear around my cranium, yet with such tiny arms, a task such as that is nigh-on impossible! With much luck, Young Link here was able to aid me in equipping the goggles to my head."

Bowser was stumped. "Can you repeat that?"

"NO!!" Several others shouted, fearful of being driving out of their minds.

"Are we ready to go now?" Bowser asked impatiently. "I wanna kick this beeping man's butt!"

"I kick your butt, Turtle-Butt!" Mr. Game & Watch taunted back.

"Oh YEAH?!"

"Ah, you agree with me then!"

"...No, that's not what I meant!"

"Come on! The battlefield is on the fourth floor!" Mario exclaimed, and the whole band of heroes, heroines and villains started for the elevator.

However, when they arrived at the elevator, some of them weren't so pleased about going in them.

"I am NOT riding in that elevator!" Mr. Game & Watch shouted.

"Afraid of me already?" Bowser chuckled evilly, giving himself far too much credit, but egos do that at times.

"No, I'm afraid of something else! I'm taking the stairs!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, then ran for the stair door.

"Four flights of stairs?" Peach cried indignantly. "You'll be exhausted by the time you get to the top!"

"My loss!" With that, the stick-figure man ran up the stairs.

Fox raised an eyebrow, then looked at the elevator, which had its welcoming doors wide open. It was designed so that all twenty-six Smash Brothers could fit in and still have comfortable room. In fact, you could not really call it an elevator. It was more like...Fox couldn't think of a word to fit the contraption. He'd ask Pichu later.

"You know what?" Fox spoke up, and everyone looked at him. "I think I'll take the stairs too."

As the bipedial fox started for the door, Bowser scoffed. "Idiots!" he muttered.

"I think I'll go too!" Yoshi exclaimed, then ran for the stairs.

"The steps towards the fourth floor instead of a ride up the lift alongside Bowser is much more preferable!" Pichu stated.

So Mr. Game & Watch, Fox McCloud, Yoshi and Pichu went up the stairs, for those of you who don't pay attention well.

"...Huh?" Donkey Kong asked.

"What was that again?" Roy asked.

"Come on!" Bowser shouted angrily, stomping into the elevator.

The twenty-four souls entered the elevator, then the doors closed with a soft PING!'. As the elevator started slowly climbing up to the fourth floor, the reason why the four guys didn't take the elevator was clear.

"AAAAAAAAUGH!!!" Bowser roared. "TURN OFF THAT ELEVATOR MUSIC!!"

"He's going crazy!" Peach screamed in fear.

"TURN IT OFF!!! IT'S SO ANNOYING!!"

Bowser pounding the walls, creating huge dents and minor rumbles throughout the elevator. Every shake made the others worry that the elevator would plummet down and kill them all.

"We're going die!" Pikachu wailed.

"They already pointed that out!" Mewtwo whimpered.

"I want my mommy!" Ganondorf screamed.

"I WANT THE ELEVATOR MUSIC OFF!!" Bowser roared deafeningly.

"We're all gonna die as virgins!" Luigi yelled in terror.

"Err...not every one of us." Link muttered nervously as he held a frightened Zelda in his arms.

"I'm married. I hope by everything good and holy that I'm not a virgin!" Marth pointed out.

"I hope by everything good and holy we don't die!" Ness exclaimed.

"I HOPE BY EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY...," Bowser stopped hitting the walls and quieted down. "No, wait, that's not my type of saying. ...Oh, yeah! I HOPE BY EVERYTHING BAD AND UNHOLY THAT THE ELEVATOR MUSIC STOPS!!"

With that not-so-lawful statement, Bowser began stomping his foot and chanting, "MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT STOP!!"

"You can't even hear the music over him!" Falco shouted to Mewtwo.

"Do you think that matters?" Mewtwo replied.

"MAKE IT STOP!!" Bowser demanded, stomping his foot and causing the elevator to shake in a most unwanted way.

"MAKE HIM STOP!!" Zelda wailed.

"Just STOP the bloody music!" Captain Falcon suggested.

"If we knew how to do that, don't you think we would do it?" Doctor Mario snapped, angry because he thought he was going to die.

"Well, WHO put the elevator music in the elevator?" Peach cried, frightened because she thought she was going to die.

"Uh...I did." Ganondorf admitted, quiet because he thought he was going to die.

"You WHAT?!" Nana screamed, hysterical because she thought she was going to die.

"I did it to drive you all out of your minds. After all, I am evil. I never knew it would lead to my death!" Ganondorf confessed.

"OUR deaths, you idiot!" Link snapped and pulled his sword out, still keeping one arm around Zelda. "I'll get you for this!"

"Be careful where you wave that thing around!!" Luigi exclaimed hysterically.

"What's his problem?" Donkey Kong asked Samus, pointing at Link.

"Oh, he's just edgy because he thinks he's going to die!" Samus replied.

* * *

The four guys who had decided not to take the elevator were waiting for the elevator to come, yet come make out faint cries for help, pounding sounds and really crummy music coming from the elevator shaft.

"So, could you guys give me some advise on how to bet Bowser?" Mr. Game & Watch asked his friends.

"He's slow." Fox informed him.

"Don't get eaten!" Yoshi warned him.

"His fiery breath does not reach far, but don't get to close unless needed!" Pichu insisted.

"He's really slow." Fox confirmed.

"Watch out for his back spikes." Yoshi added.

"He's extremely heavy, so I suggest not being under him when he falls downward." Pichu informed him.

"In fact, he's dead slow."

"Don't take the last jelly doughnut. That makes him pissed."

"If you were female, I would also warn you about leaving the toilet seat being left up, but since you are male, no worries."

"He's only fast when he is slashing or falling on you. That can catch you off guard."

"He's not a particularly good jumper."

"Unlike many other Mario games, you can't defeat him by hitting him with Meca-Koopas, dropping him in a pool of lava, or throwing him by his tail into bombs that were placed in a lair where he intended to destroy you! ...Come to think of it, that was pretty stupid!"

"And don't do drugs!" Fox concluded with one final piece of advice.

"That'll come in handy! Thank you, guys!"

"You're welcome!"

"You're welcome!"

"We take your thanks into open consideration, and accept it without a moment's hesitant!"

Just then, the elevator opened, and a flood of panicked humans, creatures and Pokémon came belting out. They all wore looks of terror, and looked like they almost died.

"We almost DIED in that elevator!" Doctor Mario shouted.

"The elevator music is not THAT bad!" Mr. Game & Watch replied.

"Not that, you idiot!" Falco exclaimed. "Bowser!! He almost brought the whole thing down!"

"Don't you think THAT'S why we didn't go?" Fox asked his comrade.

"Why didn't you tell us?!" Jigglypuff cried.

"You didn't ask!" Yoshi replied.

"Can we go battle now?!" Bowser roared, stepping out of the battered elevator.

"Yes, let's!" Mario confirmed with renewed enthusiasm.

* * *

The battle room was quite like a theater, except that there was a teleporter and a screen-like keyboard in front of it, much like the one in Star Trek.

"You know, one of these days, we are going to have to think of our own idea to get ourselves into the arena, not just copy Star Trek!" Samus complained as she went to her seat.

Mario stood near the four transporters, while Mr. Game & Watch and Bowser stood near. "All right, you two. It is going to be a three stock battle on Bowser's Castle. Any questions?"

"No, but I've got answers!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, then took a deep breath. Following his breath, his said with infinite wisdom, "Forty-two."

"HA HA HA!!" Fox and Pichu laughed.

"Ha ha ha, very funny." Mario did not share their enthusiasm. "All right, you two. Get ready!"

As Mario went to the transporter, Mr. Game & Watch turned to his only supporters; Fox McCloud, Yoshi, Pichu, Captain Falcon and Ness. "Well, I'm off to battle Bowser! I will be home at...oh, five o'clock. Might be a little later, I may stop to have a beer with guys. Wish me luck!"

"Good luck!" Fox said as he shook Game & Watch's hand.

"You can beat Bowser!" Yoshi encouraged him with a thumbs-up.

"You'll beat that fatso!" Captain Falcon agreed with a handshake.

"I seriously believe that you can claim this battle as your victory, not as your defeat!" Pichu said as he shook Game & Watch's hand with his paw.

Ness shook his hand and smiled warmly. "Nice knowing you!" he said before he left to go to his seat.

"Encouraging," muttered Mr. Game & Watch as he stepped over to the transporter. "Beam us up, Scotty!"

"Fine!" Mario scoffed and pushed a few buttons. Soon, Mr. Game & Watch found themselves on top of Bowser's Castle.

There were two towers on each side of the wall, and the sky was black as coal. Black coal, of course, not the kind of coal that has been burnt into a gray shade after being used.

"You're gonna lose, ya 2-D freak!" Bowser roared and charged forward.

Mr. Game & Watch sighed in pity. "You'll never learn, Turtle-Butt."

"Huh?" Bowser honked, stopping in his tracks.

Game & Watch approached slowly, looked Bowser in the eyes, and then whipped his torch out and knocked Bowser several feet into the air. "GOTCHA!! HA HA HAAAAA!!"

Bower flew through the air, then landed back on his castle on his feet. "You're nothing, Mr. Game & Watch! NOTHING!!"

Mr. Game & Watch decided to use this taunt to his advantage. "Nothing? You call me nothing? Oh, I get it! It's because I'm BLACK, ISN'T IT?!"

"Errr...no, that's not what I was implying...," Bowser stammered.

"YOU RACIST BIGOT!!" Mr. Game & Watch hollered, jumping up and down and pointing at Bowser, then started chanting, "BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"

"I'm not a bigot, shut up!"

"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"

"I am not! You assumed I meant-"

"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"

"Listen, cut that out, will ya?"

"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"

"I'm not racist! I was merely insulting you!"

"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"

"STOP SAYING THAT!!"

"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! BIGOT!!"

"...I'm not going to get you to shut up, am I?"

"BIGOT!! BIGOT!! Bi...well, if you jump off one of the sides and sacrifice one of your stock, I'll consider it."

"You got it!" Bowser jumped up to the tower and flung himself off.

"What an idiotic bigot!" Mr. Game & Watch laughed.

* * *

The audience was enjoying this in varied ways.

"HAR HAR HAR!!" Fox laughed.

"That was the cheapest trick ever." Samus muttered as she rolled her eyes.

"Where's the popcorn?" Ness cried out.

"Moron!" Captain Falcon exclaimed, pointing at the plummeting Bowser.

"I find that a cheap way of beating the opponent, and the humor is stupid too!" Ganondorf snarled.

**Author's Note:** I find that very offensive, Ganondorf!

"Oops!" the King of Thieves gulped, realizing he had angered the author, who was like God in this situation.

* * *

"Okay, you little paper man!" Bowser roared as he was transported back to the arena. "I'm going to thrash you hard!"

Mr. Game & Watch taunted Bowser by pulling out his bell and ringing it. "Did you call for a beating?" he asked Bowser.

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I did not!"

"I'm telling you, you did!'

"I'm telling you, I didn't!"

"I heard you tell me to give you a beating!"

"I didn't say that!"

"Yes, you did!'

"I don't recall saying that...,"

"Well, I'm quite certain you did!"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, well then, it must be true! I called for a beating!"

"I hear ya!" With that, Mr. Game & Watch ran forth and began pummeling Bowser.

WHAM! SMACK! POW! "OW!" BONK! CLANG! POW! "THAT HURTS!" POOMPH! WHACK! POUND! "Not the face! NOT THE FACE!!"

"Okay, then!"

POW!!

"...Okay...," Bowser whimpered, sounding like a chipmunk that had inhaled helium. "Go back to the face!"

"So glad you gave me permission!"

"You're welcome!" CLANG! WHAM! POW! "OW!"

With one more Smash attack, Mr. Game & Watch sent Bowser flying into the air and out of the horizon.

* * *

"Not another cheap trick!" Popo whined.

"Actually, that took very persuasive speaking skills!" Ness replied calmly.

"This is all very entertaining!" Marth laughed. "Much more enjoyable than all those stories about me getting killed!"

Ganondorf smiled evilly. "Hey, Marth, have you seen my pet scorpion? I lost him somewhere around your seat!"

Marth ran out the room faster than a cop runs out of a police station when he hears there is a doughnut sale going on.

"HA HA HA HAAAAAA!" Ganondorf laughed evilly.

"That wasn't funny, Ganondorf!" Link snarled at his nemeses, and Zelda nodded in agreement.

"Can I help it if the kid is a wussy?" Ganondorf laughed again.

"Pardon my intrusion, but I have something I must tell you!" Pichu spoke up to Ganondorf. He had his paws behind his back.

"What do you want, you little baby?!"

"I am assuming that this creature is your personal belonging!" Pichu pulled the thing he had behind his back and held it out to Ganondorf. It was a scorpion.

Ganondorf screamed and ran away as fast as he could. Pichu chuckled, then through the rubber scorpion behind him. "Oh, I do like a good scam at times!"

"You're not the same as other Pichus, are you?" Zelda said, smiling at the cute mouse Pokémon.

"No, I am utterly different than others of my own species!" Pichu chuckled, sitting down next to Zelda.

The lovely princess picked up the mouse Pokémon, placed him in her lap and started scratching behind his ears. "Even in this way?"

Pichu let out the relieved kind of moan that is so cute, it is sickening. "Well," he purred. "I guess that there are some similarities after all!"

Marth came back, munching on a glazed doughnut. "Hey guys! They've got a sale on doughnuts!"

* * *

In the fight, Mr. Game & Watch was dealing with a very much peeved Bowser. "YOU'RE NOT TRICKING ME AGAIN, PAPER BOY!!"

"Oh, yes, I am!"

"You are?"

"Yep!"

"Aw, darn! I thought for sure you couldn't trick me again, but...HEY!! NO, YOU DON'T!!"

Mr. Game & Watch whistled innocently. "Don't look at me, I didn't do it."

"Didn't do what?'

"Trick you?"

"Someone tricked me?"

"Yep."

"HOW?! How was I tricked?"

"Don't you know?"

"No! How?"

"Boy, you were tricked very well then!"

"I...been...tricked! Nooooooo!!" Bowser, out of anguish, flung himself off the castle, startling Mr. Game & Watch.

"Well, I wasn't expecting him to do THAT!" he admitted to himself.

* * *

The match was over, and Mr. Game & Watch hadn't even been touched. The two battlers were transported back and Mr. Game & Watch dusted off his hands.

"Jolly good show!" Fox congratulated.

"That was an excellent match of wits, strength and honor! Well done!" Pichu cheered.

Ness, Captain Falcon and Yoshi also gave their applause, while no one else was really thrilled.

"We're stuck with that beeping maniac!" Doctor Mario muttered.

Popo and Nana sighed heavily, then looked at each other. "Wanna get a doughnut?" Popo asked.

"Sure!"

Ganondorf was enraged. "I AM ENRAGED!" Ganondorf shouted. "Bowser, you could've pounded that little twerp! What is wrong with you?!"

"I was tricked!" Bowser ran away, crying! "I was tricked! I was tricked! I was....HMMMMMM, DOUGHNUTS!! YUMMY!! Out of my way, Eskimo kids!"

"Make us!" CRASH! SPLAT!! WHAM!!

"OW!! Quit that! Fine, I'll just take a few and leave! ...Ohhh, glazed! I'm in heaven! Who cares about being tricked when you've got doughnuts?"

Ganondorf muttered nasty words under his breath and walked off to his dorm room, while many of the others followed suit.

"I must say, good job out there, Game & Watch!" Kirby congratulated him as he walked over to the doughnuts.

"Thank you, Kirby!" Mr. Game & Watch called to the pink dude.

"Save some for us, okay Kirby?" Yoshi requested to his friend.

"Well, you're still in the gang!" Captain Falcon stated.

"Quite true! I still am! Yet we have many adventures waiting for us!"

"What makes you think that?" Fox asked him.

"The chapter's ending, but the story is far from over!"

"Oh."

"Ahhhhh, the end of the second chapter!" Pichu sighed as Zelda continued to scratch behind his ears. "Or is it the second to first chapter? Doesn't matter. Anyway, we will have more adventures, more fights, and all that good stuff that readers love to hear! They might even get lucky and receive more sexual humor! After all, they are human, aren't they? Ahhhh! That feels most pleasurable, Zelda!"

THE CHAPTER IS OVER...DOUGHNUTS! YUMMY! OUT OF MY WAY, BOWSER!


	3. D&D, Pichu's Game

If I owned Super Smash Brothers Melee, or even one of the characters from it, I'd be so rich, I wouldn't write a story about them! I'd make DVDs of them!

Chapter 03 - D&D, Pichu's Game

After Mr. Game & Watch tricked, beat, or whatever way you look at it, Bowser, tensions were growing. Everyone who didn't like Mr. Game & Watch knew they were left with the beeping guy for a long time. They didn't like it one bit, and their rage was growing. Growing so much, it snapped from many of them on one day.

It all began when Game & Watch, Fox, Captain Falcon, Yoshi, Pichu and Ness were playing Dungeons & Dragons.

"All right then, Ness!" Pichu, the dungeon master, exclaimed. "After the foul, green-sknned orc slashes out you with his crudely-made sword, your magic-user has had his cranium severed."

"His WHAT?" Ness shouted in frustration.

"His head, to be simple."

"Oh. ...That's not good, right?"

"Your character is lying on the dirt ground in an ever-growing pool of red blood. The orc lets out a bellowing triumph cry and turns towards Yoshi's cleric. His success gives him a +1 THAC0 bonus, for his adreniline is pumping."

"Great, so Ness's character is dead!" Falcon muttered.

"Yes, he has kicked the bucket, and isn't going to play the piano for some time now!" Pichu informed them. "When you get back to the town's temple, you can pay five thousand gold pieces to revive him!"

"Five thousand gold pieces?!" Fox exploded. "We don't even have fifty currently!"

"That's a real shame. You'll have to lug his decapitated body all over the place until you can get the money."

"You're enjoying making it hard for us, aren't you?" Mr. Game & Watch grumbled.

"Tremdously!" Pichu grinned wickedly. "It's one of those evil pleasures you get in life. Now Yoshi, the orc with Ness's wizard's blood smeared all over the edge is charging at you!"

"I blaze him with my Cause Light Wounds!" Yoshi chirped.

"...Okay!" Pichu rolled the dice. "You create light wounds on the orc's skin and he thinks he is a leper. He stabs himself with his blade and collaspes to the ground most dead."

"Cool!" Captain Falcon cheered. "I search his body!"

"You discover in your search around the corspe a potion of Revive Dead."

"...I thought you liked things hard for us!" Yoshi exclaimed.

Pichu smiled cutely at him and chirped, "Do I look like the kind of guy who can stay like that for long?"

"No!" they all said at once.

Ganondorf walked by them and scoffed loudly. "Why do you play that stupid game, you bunch of runts?" he jeered as he walked by.

"Ignore the half-orc, guys!" Mr. Game & Watch told his friends.

"I use the potion on Ness's wizard!" Captain Falcon told Pichu.

After straightening his goggles, Pichu cleared his throat and rolled the dice. "Okay, his head has been reattached to his shoulders and he stands up to his feet, requesting to play the piano now."

"Why did you roll the dice for that?" Yoshi asked.

"For fun. I love rolling these number-marked cubes, don't you?"

"HEY!" Ganondorf tried to shout over the six Smash Brothers saying how much they did love rolling dice. "I asked you bunch of freaks a question, and I want an answer!! WHY DO YOU PLAY THAT GAME?!"

"Do you guys hear something?" Ness asked the others innocently.

"Yes, your ears can pick up the vibrations of sound waves." Pichu informed them. "You can hear and see five more orcs coming after you."

"Oh, I see!" Fox exclaimed. "I let fly with an arrow at the nearest one!"

Pichu rolled the dice, then checked a few notes. "Your piercing arrow shoots forward and impales into the orc's head, but he only loses fifteen hit points."

"WHAT?" Fox shouted.

"He's also dead."

"Oh, well, that's good."

"I cast Burning Hands!" Ness exclaimed.

"You just came back from the dead!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed. "How can you react so fast?"

Ness thought about it. "Because these are orcs, and orcs are so stupid and weak, I could have killed them if I were still dead!"

The six cracked up, laughing at Ness's little joke. Ganondorf was getting very frustrated and angry.

"All right, all right!" Pichu chuckled. "You deploy the spell of Burning Hands! That isn't a good spell to cast for attacking, I hope you are aware of that! It is only really good against kobals!"

"EVERYTHING is good against kobals!" Fox pointed out.

"You could breathe on a kobal to kill it!" Mr. Game & Watch joked.

The six Smash Brothers cracked up again, and Ganondorf had it.

"SHUT UP!! ALL OF YOU!!" he bellowed.

They looked at him after they stopped laughing. "What's the matter, dude?" Mr. Game & Watch asked. "Ashamed that you can't beat kobals, or is it something else?"

Ganondorf deliberatly walked over to Mr. Game & Watch and pointed at him threatenly. "It is YOU that I am ashamed of. I am ashamed we are in the same team, the same place, and even on the same planet!"

"I could change that." Fox grumbled. "Ask me, and I'll take you to any planet you want. Maybe Zoness, Venom or Sector X...,"

"Sector X isn't a planet!" Captain Falcon reminded Fox. "It's just empty space. You'd dump him into empty space!"

Fox grinned wickedly. "Exactly!"

It took two seconds for the others to get the concept, and they cracked up for a third time. Ganondorf fumed angrily, then snapped.

SNAP! His fingers snapped loudly, and the others looked at him since he snapped. Why did he snap? They really had no clue why he snapped. It is a mystery to this day why he snapped.

"I want that 2-D freak out of here. Now." Ganondorf hissed threatenly.

"Too bad, dark boy!" Ness laughed. "He beat Bowser, and he gets to stay!"

"That's right!" Captain Falcon shouted, then stood up to Ganondorf. "You want to drive him out, you've got to get through all of us!"

"YOU are no threat, Captain Falcon!" Ganondorf scoffed.

"Then why did you copy my moves?"

Ganondorf suddenly looked nervous. He looked around, trying to find an excuse. "Errr...ummm...oh, Great Scott! It's a walking, talking doughnut!" Ganondorf pointed at the door, then opened it and ran out of the room.

As Captain Falcon laughed and sat down, Ness looked at him and asked, "So why DID he copy your moves?"

"You got me there."

"I have the same problem!" Fox moaned. "Falco copied me, mainly because the guy isn't creative enough to think of his own attacks!"

Pichu shrugged. "I just attack the same way that Pikachu does. After all, I am Pikachu in an infant stage, so how many changes should there really be? Except for the fact that my tail is not as long in length!"

"I can understand you!" Yoshi nodded, then rolled the dice. "But that orc I just bashed won't understand anything now, because I smushed his brains!"

"I...want...them...OUT!!" Ganondorf practically screamed to the others. "All six of them! We don't need them, we don't want them, and we already have far too many battlers!"

"Yes, that is true!" Bowser said, then glared at the doughnut in his hands. It had little feet that were kicking his fingers, and it was babbling wilding.

"Can't we talk about this before you eat me?!" the doughnut asked politely.

"I have no intention of hurting them!" Marth spoke up. "In fact, I must go into hiding now!"

"Whatever for?" Peach asked him.

"Ever since all of my female fans found out I was married, they seem to think that I betrayed them." Marth told her. "I'll have to hide from their murderous wrath for about...oh, three years. Bye now!" Marth took off running.

"I'm against getting rid of Fox...," Falco spoke up, after Marth left them. "He is my leader, and even if we do get rid of him, he is still the leader of Star Fox."

"I don't want Pichu to go!" Zelda complained.

"Neither do I!" Pikachu protested.

"Captain Falcon isn't that bad of a guy...," Samus spoke out.

"I don't want Yoshi to leave!" Mario exclaimed.

Suddenly, the five were lifted into the air by an incredible psychic force. Kicking and shouting, the five were thrown into a broom closet. A chair was also lifted by unseen forces and was wedged under the doorknob.

Mewtwo cackled and cracked his knuckles. "Anyone else want to stop us?"

No one else disagreed.

"You know, it is hard enough telling people all over the place that you're not really evil...," Jigglypuff said to Mewtwo. "How can I explain this?!"

"I did not kill them!"

"...Yeah, that works."

"Are we ready to go?" Donkey Kong asked the others.

"Yeah, one minute!" Bowser requested, then shoved the walking, talking doughnut into his mouth, chewed and swallowed. "So, where are they, Ganondorf?"

"...Oops. I forgot what room they are in!" Ganondorf admitted.

"Well, let's get going!" Luigi piped up, and they ran off to find the six Smash Brothers.

Inside the broom closet, Mario, Zelda, Falco, Samus and Pikachu were getting rather uncomfortable.

"Darn brooms are poking me hard!" Piakchu complained.

"Could you remove your elbow from my eye, Mario?!" Falco sqwaked.

"You better get your foot out of my stomach then!"

"This place is too cramped!" Zelda complained. "Can't someone just break the door down?!"

"I can!" Pikachu offered.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" the other four screamed, knowing what Pikachu was planning.

"...I meant that I would whack the door down with a broom!" the mouse Pokémon explained.

Okay, so they didn't know what he had planned.

Mario sniffed the air twice and gagged. "Samus, when have you last taken a bath?"

"I told you people, I forgot the code for my suit to come off!"

"When have you last taken a bath?" Mario repeated.

"...Two months."

"LET US OUT!!" Mario, Pikachu, Zelda and Falco screamed.

* * *

Ganondorf smashed down the door that led to the room the D & D players were in. It crashed to the ground with a nerve-gratting THUD'.

"Rearranging that back on its own hinges is going to be a task that will not be pleasureable!" Pichu groaned.

"ALL RIGHT, GAME AND WATCH!" Ganondorf roared.

"Jeez, not only are half-orcs ugly, but they're loud too!" Fox chuckled.

"SHUT UP, YOU DORK!" Ganondorf bellowed.

Pichu made a face. "If you actually knew the meaning to that specific insult you just exploded with with vocal cords, you would not use it!"

"What's it mean?" Ness asked.

" Dork' also means a whale's pe-"

"PICHU!!" Captain Falcon interrupted.

"Not exactly correct, but the sound is a bit similar!" Pichu pointed out.

"You shut up too, you twit!" Ganondorf snapped at Pichu.

"That word means a pregnant goldfish," pointed out the baby electric Pokémon. "I am not a pregnant goldfish."

"Quiet, you little twerp!" Ganondorf ordered him.

Pichu sniggered, but kept silent otherwise.

"We're here to throw all of you out by force!" Ganondorf shouted, pointing his thumb at the others.

"Where's Zelda?" Fox asked.

"Where's Samus?" Captain Falcon asked.

"Where's Falco?" Ness asked.

"Where's Mario?" Yoshi asked.

"Where's Waldo?" Mr. Game & Watch asked.

"Can one of you carbon-based life forms tell me the location of my friend Pikachu, for my eyeballs fail to see him?" Pichu asked.

"It doesn't matter where those losers are!" Ganondorf shouted. "We outpower you by far."

Pichu snickered. "You could not beat me if your life and soul depended on it, Ganondorf."

"WHAT?!" Ganondorf half-roared, half-laughed. "You beat me?! The stupid, self-damaging, two-foot, baby mouse that sounds like it is on helium?!"

"Yes, I do believe I can beat the buzz-haired, pole-nosed, tacky-dressed, alien-eyed, self-absorbed, King of Petty Criminals!" Pichu retorted.

"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!"

"BRING IT ON, YOU DORK!"

---

The fight took place on Final Destination. It was one stock, no time limit, and no items. It was also the shortest fight ever in the history Super Smash Brothers Melee. Here is how it went:

Ganondorf ran forward and used his Guerdo Dragon attack (Captain Falcon pointed out very clearly to Ness and Yoshi that his Raptor Boost attack is much better).

Pichu used Agility, zipping up and away from Ganondorf wrath. He landed right behind Ganondorf, and turned araound for more action.

Unfortuantly for Ganondorf, he forgot that Pichu was standing near the edge. He sailed right off and, unable to jump at all, plunged to his doom.

The fight lasted a little less than six seconds.

---

Pichu blew kisses to the audiences as he walked in front of them after the fight. "My most sincere thanks!" he called to them.

Ganondorf was once again enraged. "I AM ONCE AGAIN ENRAGED!!" he bellowed. "You lucked out."

"Your brain is simply unable to act at normal standards!" Pichu commented.

"What?" Ganondorf asked.

"He said you are stupid." Bowser translated.

Ganondorf glared at the little Pokémon. "Just because I accidentally lost doesn't mean you're a better battler."

"That statement has a chance of being factual, but the brawl did prove the fact that I am the more intelligent battler!" Pichu pointed out.

* * *

"So, you guys have arrived in the local drinking facility that is downright flithy, filled with drunk people, dirty people and people with a strong desire for sex, especially when they are drunk. In other words , the tavern!" Pichu told the others.

"I get drunk!" Ness joked.

"I get food!" Yoshi suggested.

"I go to my room." Mr. Game & Watch yawned.

"I ask the bartender if he has heard any good stories." Captain Falcon spoke.

"I will go-" Fox started, but then Ness accidentally knocked over his soda, spilling it all over the floor. "...get a mop."

"Could you get me another soda?" Ness called to him as he left.

"Sure!" Fox called to him. When he left the room, the others suddenly heard him exclaim, "Hey! I found Waldo!"

Fox approached the broom closet. Not much else can be said about that, except that he was very puzzled by the chair being wedged under the doorknob. Were the others afraid of the brooms escaping, or what? He yanked the cahir away, and set it aside.

When he reached for the door knob, he thought he heard voices from inside the closet! To his knowledge, broom closets don't talk. How strange. Did that orc magic-user place some kind of spell on him that would make him hallucinate? ...Oh wait, that was his game character, not him.

Fox opened the door, and was hit by a flood of bodies. He found himself on the floor, with Zelda right on top of him, Falco to his left, Pikachu to his right, and Mario in front of him. He was surrounded! He need back-up! He...had forgotten he wasn't in his Arwing anymore.

Zelda groaned from a slight amount of pain, then looked down to see Fox staring up at her. "Oh! Sorry, Fox!" she apologized.

"No problem!" Fox replied, blushing furiously.

Have you ever seen Fox blush? It looks quite weird, for the facial hair around his cheeks also turns red because the skin is glowing such a bright red. Yet to Zelda, it looked kind of cute.

"I for now on hate brooms!" Falco exclaimed.

"I hate closets!" Mario groaned.

Just then, Mr. Game & Watch, Captain Falcon and Pichu came walking up. They had been looking for Fox, who had to make the cruical decision of whether or not to get involved in the fight that Ness had started in a drunken fit. They saw Zelda lying on top of Fox, Falco, Mario and Pikachu lying on the floor, and Samus look down on all of them from the opened broom closet. Mr. Game & Watch summed it all up in three words.

"You're all weird."

Zelda pulled her self off of Fox, then stretched her cramped muscles. "Oh, that feels good!" she sighed. "We've been stuck in there with no leg room at all!"

"Not to mention Samus stunk to high to heaven!" Pikachu groaned.

"I TOLD you, I forgot the password!" Samus exclaimed.

"Is it Swordfish?" Mr. Game & Watch tried.

"That's it!" Samus exclaimed. "Swordfish!" she repeated, then there was a few clicking sounds and a loud hiss as steam escaped from her suit. She stepped out from the back of it, and everyone who male suddenly felt their eyeballs grow wide.

She was only wearing a red bikini.

"Wow-eee!" Falco exclaimed, no respect whatsoever.

Samus scowled at him. Samus's body was tanned from the heat that was trapped in her suit. She had long blond hair, and emerald eyes. Her legs and arms were muscular, yet slender too. She had a small, almost unnoticeable scar on the top of her right shoulder. She was also well-devoloped in the chest...level...err, WOW-MOMAAA!

Samus glared at the narrator with a look that said, I'll kill you later', then approached Captain Falcon. "Could you watch my suit while I go wash?"

"Sure!" the bounty hunter agreed, his voice filled with mixture of arousation from her current form and disgust for her smell.

"Thanks!" she kissed his cheek, then ran off as fast as she could.

"You lucky dude!" Mr. Game & Watch congradulated him.

"So THAT'S what Samus looks like!" Mario spoke up.

"Hey, guys!" Mr. Game & Watch spoke up. "I think the chapter is over!"

"Awwwww!" everyone but Pichu moaned.

"It is a shame and emotional time when the chapter ends." Pichu stated. "Yet it means that this story about us is doing fairly well by regular standards, for the story is continuing without being stopped by autorities! Also, we have many new subjects. Dungeons and Dragons for all the D&D nutcases out there, fighting for the action fans, comedy for people who love a good laugh, and romance for the romantics! There is Captain Falcon and Samus Aran, a couple that nobody has really seriously considered. And also, there are some carbon-based life forms out there who have already thought of Zelda and Fox, due to that little blushing' thing Fox did! Yet what about Zelda and Link? You may as well see in the next chapter!"

THE CHAPTER IS OVER, AS WELL AS PICHU'S LONG ENDING SPEECH. MAN, THAT LITTLE GUY SURE HAS A LOT TO SAY FOR A BABY, DOESN'T HE?


	4. Eight Legged Weirdos!

Chapter 4 - Eight Legged Weirdos

---

Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu sat in comfy chairs, just being bored.

"I'm bored." Mr. Game & Watch factually stated.

"I regret to inform you that my current status for fun and glee is quite minimal, and the situation is not as cheery and active as I would like for it be!" Pichu rambled.

Mr. Game & Watch cocked his head, causing a beep. "You never say anything short, do you?"

"There is no point in me saying anything short, for I need to tell you exactly how I feel-"

"Pichu! Just say no'!"

"...No."

"Okay then! We're getting somewhere!"

Pichu nodded back, his floppy ears and loose goggles bouncing with every nod. "I really would like for there to be something to do in this bleak state of depression and slowness!"

Suddenly, the floor exploded! Claws shot up and punctured the floor, startling Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch! They jumped up as the floor five feet from them was destroyed, and a spider the size of a donkey burst out from under the floor.

The spider looked around with its many glittering eyes, its giant fangs, each the size of Gamecube controller, twitching menacingly. It then saw the flat man and his yellow rodent friend, and shrieked a cry that means in Spiderish, DINNER!'

"I think the answer to my state of dullness has been unreasonably answered quite suddenly!" Pichu exclaimed.

Mr. Game & Watch quickly whipped out his torch and swung it in front of the spider. "Back! Back, you eight legged ding bat, back!"

The spider hissed angrily, stepping backwards. It crawled behind the hole, and made another loud hissing sound. Another spider its size climbed out of the hole, and then another! They were flowing out of the hole like people flow out of a building when someone asks where their pet cobra went off to.

Pichu immediately grabbed Mr. Game & Watch's arm and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The spider slashed and poked at the door, shouting in Spiderish, Where dinner go?' and Come back, dinner!' and DINNER!'

"Thanks, little dude!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed.

"Your thanks is taken into consideration and is excepted. For now, we take a extreme course of action. Our mansion is being invaded by spiders of an abnormal size. We must warn the others souls and our dearest friends!"

"Call me crazy, but this seems like another story where all of us get killed off one by one."

"Uh-oh! Is that your hypothesis?"

"Yep."

"My goodness. Then that would bring us to...,"

"Bingo."

"Oh dear."

"Captain Falcon, Marth and Pikachu had better not look appetizing to spiders."

Suddenly, the door was obliterated! Spiders swarmed through the broken doorway and eyed Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu. "DINNER!! DINNER!!" they exclaimed, along with, "Oh, that where dinner go!" and "Guys, where's my pet cobra?"

"Disgusting eight legged morons!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, pulling out his air pump and blasting gusts of air at them. They hissed and feel back a little. This gave Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch the chance to turn around and run like-

"HELP!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed as he and Pichu ran away. "We're being attacked by eight legged boneheads!"

***

"Marth, quit being paranoid. You're not going to die!" Roy told his friend.

"Easy for you to say!" Marth shouted from under his bed. "If my girl fans don't kill me for being married, everyone else will kill me in those stupid stories where we all get killed!"

"Well, my friend, hiding under the bed isn't exactly the greatest place to hide from them."

"I'm fine. Just quit rubbing your head against my arm."

"I'm not under the bed!"

"Well, something hairy is rubbing my arm!"

"No one's under there but you!"

Suddenly, there was a high-pitched scream and then many sounds of sharp objects slashing through flesh. There were screams of agony and horror, coming from both Marth and the unknown creature. Roy backed in fear, then saw a huge pool of red blood came spilling out from under the bed.

"Ohhhh...oh, Marth...uuuuugh...," Roy moaned, feeling vomit coming up from his mouth.

Marth then crawled out from under the bed, stained in red blood. "Stupid monster," he grumbled. His sword was caked in fresh blood.

"MARTH!!" Roy exclaimed. "I thought you had died under your bed!"

"A great warrior like me dying under the bed? No, siree!" Marth replied.

"What WAS that?!" Roy exclaimed, pointing at the ever-growing pool of red blood.

"I don't kno-" Marth started, but stopped as the mutilated form of the giant spider crawled out from under the bed. It was yellow with green stripes, and half of its hairy legs had been lopped off. Marth had done a good job at stabbing it, for its red blood leaked out everywhere.

"YE GODS! It's a spider!!!" Roy swore.

"You think?" Marth replied, then, with one swift slash, cut the spider in two.

Roy looked at Marth, then smirked. "I TOLD you to clean out under your bed, but did you listen? Noooooo!"

"Oh, knock it off."

Suddenly, two more spiders, these brown and hairy, crawled out from under the bed! They saw Marth and Roy, and screamed in Spiderish, "DINNER!"

"Uh-oh!" Marth let out, then grabbed Roy by the arm and pulled them out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

***

Peach Toadstool ran out from the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. The doors were getting awfully tired of being slammed, but since they were just wood, a metal doorknob and two hinges, there was no way for them to complain.

"MARIO!!!" Peach shrieked for her hero.

Mario, along with Luigi, Link, Zelda, Falco and Jigglypuff, were sitting down chairs, chatting. Daisy had come to visit, and all of them were interested in what she had to say. Especially Luigi.

"What is it?!" Mario asked, worried by her intense fear.

"There's a huge spider in the bathtub!"

The five humans, one bird man and one Pokémon all started cracking up.

"I'm serious! It's huge! It's not normal!" Peach screamed.

"All right, all right!" Mario chuckled. "I'll go stomp it!"

"But Mario-" Peach started, but Mario already walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Peach closed her eyes, waiting for something horrible to happen. She heard the door open, and a very pale Mario walk out calmly and close the door behind him.

"That's-a big spider!" Mario exclaimed. He ran to a nearby closet that was labeled, Melee Weapon Rejects'. He rummaged through it, then pulled out a hand-held machine gun. He quickly ran back to the bathroom and opened fire on the spider, splattering green blood all over the bathroom.

Peach was relieved. The other six, who had not seen the spider, were down-right horrified (which is ironic, because they DIDN'T see the spider, and are the scared ones).

"Mario...," Luigi asked very slowly. "Please tell me you're not one of those extreme arachniphobics!"

"That spider was-a HUGE!!" Mario exclaimed, waving the hand-held machine gun dangerously. The other ducked to the floor very quickly.

"What spider could be big enough to bring a freaking machine gun against it?!" Falco exclaimed.

Suddenly, another of the spiders fell down from the ceiling. It landed on its feet, and saw Falco right in front of it. It shrieked in Spiderish, "DINNER!!"

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Falco Lombardi screamed.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Peach Toadstool screamed.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Daisy agreed.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Luigi spoke his piece.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Link replied.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Zelda commented.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Jigglypuff said with a degree of panic in her voice.

"AAAAAAAAH!!" Mario repeated.

"DINNNNNER!!" the spider exclaimed again, in his language.

Falco acted quickly. He reached out with his foot and stomped viciously on the spider's head. He kept stomping even when the spider stopped moving. He kept stomping even when the head was nothing but a smashed mess. He kept stomping even after Link pulled him away from the spider.

"YUCK!!" Falco exclaimed. "I've got spider brains on my shoes!"

"Where did these spiders come from?" Zelda whimpered.

***

Fox McCloud rolled the dice and then looked at Captain Falcon. "You hit the giant spider. Roll for damage!"

Captain Falcon smirked cockily at Yoshi and Ness, who had both missed the giant spider. He shook the two dice in his hand and then rolled them on the table. Yet he threw them too hard and they bounced into the air and off the table.

Suddenly, a giant spider with brown skin and glitter eyes sprung up! It shrieked at them, and then saw the dice coming at him. They both hit an eye each, and each one had a one on them. The spider shrieked again, this time in pain.

"You hit the spider, but you only did two hit points of damage!" Fox exclaimed as he, Falcon, Ness and Yoshi sprang up from their seats and scattered back.

The spider shook the dice out of its eyes, then noticed the four scared creatures in front of it. It shrieked in Spiderish, "DINNER!!" and charged at them.

Captain Falcon pulled his gun out and pointed it at the spider. Ness looked at him and exclaimed, "That little pistol's not going to do much against that huge spi-"

BA-ROOOOOM!! An explosion shook the air, and the spider burst into many spider pieces. Green blood and bits of spider went shooting everywhere.

Fox, Yoshi and Ness looked at Captain Falcon, who blew the smoke from his gun's barrel, and then wiped the green blood from it.

"Is that why...," Yoshi asked slowly. "...you DIDN'T use that gun for Melee?"

"Yep. Too strong. I wanted to give you guys a chance, so I just used my combat moves!"

"You still don't give us much of a chance," Ness grumbled under his breath.

"What?" Falcon asked.

"Nothing!"

Suddenly, another spider dropped down from the ceiling! Falcon took aim, and the spider exploded like a balloon that was stomped onto a pile of needles.

"We've got to find the others!" Captain Falcon exclaimed as he wiped the blood off his gun once again.

"Yes, Falco and Zelda are in danger!" Fox exclaimed.

"What's with the sudden interest in Zelda?" Falcon asked him.

Fox glared at him, blushing at the same time. "We're being attacked by giant spiders, and want me to discuss my love life?!"

"He's right! Let's go!" Yoshi and Ness shouted, and headed for the door.

"Who said anything about your love life?" Falcon asked Fox suspiciously.

"COME ON!!"

***

"Aren't you sick of them?" Bowser roared at Mewtwo, who looked back at Ganondorf, then Turtle-Butt.

"Yes, in some ways."

"Well, why don't you join up with us and help take them out?"

"No."

"What?" Ganondorf bellowed. "Why not?!"

"Your membership fee is too high."

"But Mewtwo-"

"And you have a stupid gang name. You name is Bad Undefeatable Tyrants Terrorizing Females And Cute Elves!"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, butt face."

"HEY!"

Before any more words could be said, a giant spider dropped down from the ceiling and looked at the three hungrily.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Bowser and Ganondorf screamed like frightened school girls and bolted out of the room.

Mewtwo shook its head and groaned. "Darn arachniphobics," it muttered, then saw the spider looking at him hungrily. "I taste like ^*#&. School girls taste delicious."

The spider thanked Mewtwo, then scurried after Bowser and Ganondorf. Mewtwo chuckled to itself, then said, "You just have to know to reason with them."

***

(For those of you with a short vocabulary, not much knowledge about the SSBM characters and/or are incredibly dense, then this next scene will be displayed in Simple version. It is only available on the DVD, not the video, so we suggest you get the DVD. We also have deleted scenes on the DVD! How's that for good stuff?)

The gorilla, the sibling eskimos, the one man whose profession is what Bugs Bunny always assumes everyone is, the young guy who girls swoon over, the pink puffball with the munchies, and the pretty lady in the unflattering metal get-up were all training in the training room.

A giant spider appeared. Nana screamed. Popo screamed. Young Link screamed. Kirby screamed. Samus did not scream, but was nervous. Doctor Mario screamed. Donkey Kong thought it would be cool to step on spider. He did. Spider guts ran all over the nice, clean floor. Samus was jealous she didn't get to do that. Nana felt like hurling.

More spiders came. The beings in the gym ran like %#$!, man!

***

**Deleted Scenes:**

Young Link felt like hurling.

Donkey Kong looked at foot with disgust at spider blood on his nice, clean foot.

***

Pikachu was in his room, listening to music. He heard funky noise, and turned off the funk music. And no, I'm not changing the rating to R now. Funk is NOT a bad word!

The noise turned out to be a spider! The spider turned out to be bigger than normal! The size of the spider made Pikachu even more nervous! The nervousness made the spider happy, but if only it knew that Pikachu did not fear it for being a spider.

Pikachu feared it because the spider looked somewhat like Pikachu.

The spider had two yellow ears with black points at the top. It had red cheeks, and a yellowish hue to its hair. Three brown stripes ran across its back.

"What are you anti-Pokémon freaks trying to prove now?!" Pikachu asked angrily.

"Oh, I am not just an anti-Pokémon freak, Pikachu!" the spider laughed in perfect English. Strangely enough, it sounded like an evil, sci-fi villain voice with a dash of helium.

"What are you then?"

"I am one of the twenty-seven Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness!" Stating this, the spider laughed menacingly.

"Lousy copy cat!"

"Listen to me, for these will be the last words you hear! The Supreme Spi...oh, darn. I've forgotten my line!"

"Ah, now we are at the outtakes for the DVD!" Pikachu commented merrily.

"SILENCE!! I am the Pikachu-Spider, the one who will replace you once the Super Smash Brothers Melee have been all destroyed!"

"We're not exactly called the Super Smash-"

"Stop interrupting me! Anyways, there are twenty-six of us, one for each Super Smash Brothers Melee member!"

"There are twenty-six of us, with the Ice Climbers apart!"

"We counted Daisy."

"She's not really in the game."

"We consider her to be, because anything we say goes."

"Can't you just be a judge or a lawyer?"

"Enough! I shall kill you, and my comrades and Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness comrades will kill your comrades! And then, the first thing we will do is create more merchandise than any company the world has ever seen! BUA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!"

Pikachu raised an eyebrow. "Oooooooooh, fraid I got you there, pal."

"DOH!" Pikachu-Spider exclaimed, then glared at Pikachu. "You will die now."

"No, I don't...," Pikachu charged up electricity, then blasted Pikachu-Spider with a huge jolt. "THINK SO!!"

Pikachu-Spider took the hit and collapsed to the ground, smoking and hurt. "Oweeee. I wish I could have a real electric characteristic, rather than just these ears and cheeks."

"Bye, dude!" Pikachu called to the freaky spider, then ran out of his room!

***

So, that is the plot! Spiders who have no imagination plan to rule the Smashers! But how do each of them look like, these Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness? Here's a description:

Mr. Game & Watch - A pure black spider without eyes.

Pichu - A smaller spider with yellow hair and pink cheeks.

Peach - A very disturbing spider, for it is wearing a pink dress and a golden crown.

Daisy - An equally disturbing spider, for it is wearing a yellow dress and a pink crown.

Mario - It wears a hat similar to Mario's. Weird, isn't it?

Luigi - It wears a hat similar to Luigi's. Weird, isn't it? I could've sworn I had a feeling of deja vü there!

Falco - Blue feathers sprout out from its face.

Fox - It wears a head-set like Fox does.

Captain Falcon - It wears a red helmet.

Link - He wears a green tunic. NOT a skirt, a tunic! Link paid me ten bucks to say that.

Zelda - It wears that nifty head piece that Kirby gets when he copies Zelda. It looks cute on him, disturbing on the spider.

Jigglypuff - Its eyes are all big and blue. Disturbing.

Marth - It wears a blue cape. Not disturbing, but weird.

Roy - Wears a headband similar to Roy's. Also weird.

Bowser - Has horns, spikes on its back, red hair and is bigger than the others.

Mewtwo - Its eyes all glow cyan, like Mewtwo's. Scary, huh?

Ganondorf - It wears chain mail armor fit for a spider. Scary, disturbing AND weird, huh?

Yoshi - It has green hair. Yuck.

Ness - It wears a red baseball cap. Boy, that's weird.

Donkey Kong - It wears a DK tie. Thank goodness its hair isn't brown.

Ice Climbers - There are two of them, each wearing an eskimo outfit. Scary, weird and you-know-what, huh?

Doctor Mario - It has a stephiscope around its neck.

Young Link - It wears that green hat the little dude wears.

Kirby - It has no legs, so that it looks like Kirby more. Yet how does the bloody thing move?

Samus - It wears a helmet similar to Samus's.

Pikachu - You just heard how disturbing that thing looks like, what do you want?! A repeat? Fat chance!

That concludes not only the descriptions of the Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness, but one of the many features of the DVD! We hope you enjoyed it, and all of the other features!

Now, in the next chapter, the Smashers will fight for their lives to keep the world safe from these mutant spiders. You may now vote for which of those disturbing spiders gets killed, but don't get too violent, please. We recall the last guy who requested in too violent of a way, but we will leave out who it was that the voter was referring to:

Quote: "KILL HIM! SPILL HIS BLOOD!! SMEAR HIS GUTS ALL OVER THE PLACE!! ROB HIM, KILL HIM, MURDER HIM! BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN AND DANCE ON HIS GRAVE!!" End of quote.

We didn't like this, for we were only asking who should get the last jelly donut.

Anyways, you'll have to wait and see how our Smasher heroes deal with the eight legged freak-

"SSSSSSSSSH!!" Mr. Game & Watch hissed. "Do you want to get sued, you moron?"

Oh, sorry.

"Aw, great. It is the conclusion of the passage!" Pichu groaned. "Now we bear arachnids swarming our residence, and to add salt to injury, there are ones capable of verbalization, and are also clothed in the most ghastly ways! No mansion, no haunted building can bring forth the nausea and terror that those spiders do! ...A giant spider in a pink dress. I will be having nightmares, while I hope the rest of you do not."

THE CHAPTER (AND THE DVD) IS OVER. YOU CAN EJECT IT AND PUT IT BACK IN ITS CONTAINER.


	5. Resident Evil: Code Game & Watch

Chapter 5 - Resident Evil: Code Game & Watch

If you skipped the last chapter, you're being awfully foolish. Go back and read it! What, are you hoping this chapter contains the NC-17 scene?! This story is PG-13, not NC-17! Did you read the warning properly, or were you hoping for some kind of threesome with Peach, Zelda and Marth?

...I know I am, but no one seems to write those kinds of stories anymore!

"That is astonishingly repulsive and perverted! You ought to feel guilty of yourself, being the storyteller! If you don't look out for yourself, the writer will discharge you!" Pichu shouted up at the narrator.

"And how many people want to see a threesome with Zelda, Marth and Peach?!" Mr. Game & Watch chimed in. "How come I never get to be in any sex stories? Is it because I'm black?"

No, it doesn't. Believe me on that.

"I believe it has more to do that you are a two dimensional, stick-figure humanoid form, Mr. Game & Watch!" Pichu pointed out.

"Well, I can see why it wouldn't be arousing to the three dimensional, pinkie human readers then."

If you two are quite done, I would like to go back to what I was talking about!

"What, threesomes with Marth, Zelda and Peach?"

No, that's not what I-

"I still find that discussion of loveless sex between the two golden-haired princesses and the blue-haired prince to be utterly vile, and wonder why humans claim that us Pokémon are messed up when they fantasize about imaginary characters having threesomes! Not to mention that some hentai is Pokémon with humans, and to me, that is disreputable beyond words-"

Pichu! I need to get back to the story!

"You leave out any more references to that threesome you brought in, and I'll keep quiet for the rest of the story's start!"

Thank you.

Anyway, if you forgot to read the last chapter or forgot what happened in the last chapter, then here is a review for those of you who want to save time and not go back to the last chapter:

The mansion of Super Smash Brothers Melee is being attacked by giant spiders. Twenty-seven of them are special, talking spiders who look like one of the Smashers (counting Nana and Popo apart, and Daisy too).

Everyone in the mansion is running from the deadly spiders, hoping to not become victums of another fanfiction where they die one by one (and sometimes faster than that).

So, they're in big, big trouble! Yes, huge trouble! They're all in so much trouble-

"Start talking again, Pichu. We need a broader vocabulary."

"Thank you. I think the spiders have hatched a diabolical plan spells one simple word."

"And that would be?"

"Catastrophe."

"I should've known that one simple word' would not be so simple!"

"Yes, you really should have expected that coming!" Pichu chuckled, then looked around. "So...what do you think we should do?"

"Kick spider arse?"

"Well, I am able to find four flaws in that plan. One, there are far too many spiders for you to kick. Two, spiders don't really have an arse. Three, you couldn't kick anything with those 2-D feet if your life depended on it. Four-"

"All right, I got the point! How about if I call the local pest control?"

"Are you aware of their number?"

"I was hoping for them to take Ganondorf, claiming he was a horribly big cockroach."

"Well then, I would advise dailing their number so that we can get rid of these giant arachnids! ...And see if you can get rid of Ganondorf at the same time!"

"Okay then!" Mr. Game & Watch picked up a nearby phone, but was dialing the number awfully slowly.

"Why do you proceed at such a slow pace that it makes slugs look like chariot races?!" Pichu hollered, jumping up and down in anxiousness.

"It's one of those numbers that is made of letters. I hate those,"

"The same hatred can be remarked from the little yellow Pokémon jumping and down on the floor!"

* * *

Pandimonium was ensuing all accross the mansion. The Smashers and the spiders were running all over the place, trying to either eat someone or avoid being the certain someone being eaten. Groups of the Smashers were seperated from each other, while legs and body organs of some spiders were seperated from their hosts.

"I'm going to be sick," Zelda moaned as she slammed the door shut. "That's the fifteen spider I've seen explode like a bomb full of goo!"

"I told them to avoid the leftovers the fridge!" Fox shook his head as he looked cautiously into the kitchen from the door window. "Seems they have an appitite for food that is growing its own life forms. ...Come to think of it, it must be the life forms that are attracting them."

Zelda looked up at the vulpine boy. "Are they trying to come after us?"

"Nope. Oooooh, another one bites the dust!"

"I sure hope Link is okay!" Zelda muttered to herself. "These things are everywhere, and I...didn't mean to get seperated from him...,"

"Nor did I when I found myself seperated from the others!" Fox sighed as he sank down in the chair next to her. Shaking his head in disbelief, he muttered, "It's utterly chaos, not to mention nerve-shattering. I think I'm going insane,"

"You're not going insane, Fox."

"I saw one of those spiders wearing a pink dress and a golden crown! Please tell me what that can mean other than Fox's brain is failing on him'?!"

"Hey, I saw a spider wearing a green skirt! I'm going just as crazy as you are!" Zelda replied, frustrated because at any moment, she thought she was going to die.

Fox's look of frustration and fright wiped away from his face pretty quickly. Zelda's look of frustration and fright did not.

"And one more thing!" Zelda snapped, losing her temper. "We both need to stay alive, so I don't think we should complain about things like imagining-"

"Say that last part again," Fox asked her quietly.

"What?!" Zelda looked over at him.

"The part of the skirt...did you say a green skirt'?"

"Fox, this is NOT the time to start imagining me in some short-" she was interrupted when Fox sprang up from his chair and almost smushed his lengthy nose against the window of the door. His eyes had grown so wide that Zelda was afraid that the skin was stretched beyond comfort.

"What are you doing? That has to be bad for your eyes! Get your face farther from the screen!" she whispered in a hiss.

"They look like us," was all Fox would say back.

"WHAT?! Honey, if you're referring to the spiders, I really don't find that funny! You don't look like a hideous, overgrown spider, no matter how different you look from me!" Zelda tried to comfort him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Fox looked at her slowly, then replied, "I didn't mean my race, I meant the Super Smash Brothers."

"...Excuse me? Are you saying that Link and Peach and I look like-"

"No, no! Look!" Fox pointed at the window, and Zelda saw a most disturbing sight. There was a giant spider with horns, flaming red hair on the side of its head, and spikes on its back, wolfing down the food in the refrigerator.

"Don't you see?" Fox replied.

"...Yeah. That extra-freaky spider is eating Ness's leftover birthday cake."

"What I meant is, don't you see who he resembles?"

"I'm not sure, but Ness will probably resemble a red-hot, irate kid when he finds out about this!"

"Zelda! That spider looks like Bowser!"

The princess of Hyrule suddenly understood, because the author is getting tired of making her dense. "...You're right! And the spider you saw with the pink dress and the golden crown...?"

"Peach," Fox muttered as he leaned against the wall.

"So that means the one wearing the green skirt is actually...!" Zelda's eyes widened, almost as much as Fox's did. "Oh."

"Uh...yeah. Better not tell Link about that."

"I'll say."

"Well, I think what we're dealing with is that these spiders are trying to kill us, then replace us as the Super Smash Brothers with their look-alikes'!"

"But they look nothing like us!"

"Spiders don't have much intelligence, Zelda, no matter how big they are."

"That's true. So...what are we going to do?"

"I'm going to kill that Bowser spider!" Fox pulled out his laser gun and edged to the door.

"No! Fox!" Zelda grabbed his arm, and he looked at her. Her eyes were filled with fright and worry. "It's too dangerous! That spider can kill you, if the thousands of other spiders don't!"

Fox looked into her beautiful blue eyes, then looked out the window. "I don't think I'll have that much of a problem."

"How come?"

"The Bowser spider left. One that has no legs has replaced it."

"A legless spider?"

"Bingo. Looks like a bowling ball with a hair problem."

Zelda grimanced, and then Fox burst into the kitchen! She scrambled after him, only to see he had shot the two hundred spiders that were around the legless spider had been shot dead by him!

"Fox!" she exclaimed in total shock. She had only lost sight of him for three seconds! "How did you-"

"Gotta love this new laser gun they gave me for SSBM!" Fox laughed as he blew away the smoke coming from the gun that could easily be mistaken for a factory's smokestack.

"What do you think you're doing?!" Kirby Spider roared. "I was going to use them for bowling pins later on.

"Okay, dork!" Fox shouted, using what was now the most obscene and degrading insult to the Super Smash Brothers. "You're going down! I'll blast a few holes in you, you bowling-ball loser!"

"We will not get anywhere just rolling and shooting!" Kirby Spider shouted. "_Actually,_" it thought. "**_I_** won't get anywhere but dead. I'm just trying to even the odds!"

Fox raised an eyebrow. "Okaaaaaay. What do you propose?"

"Oh, I'd probably use a 24-karat gold ring with a clear diamond! Women love those!" said Kirby Spider.

"Really? Well, what if the lady in question has a favorite color, or really, REALLY captivating eyes?"

"Good point. But, I'd propose with the best ring moths can buy!"

" Moths?' "

"Spider's form of currency."

Fox nodded. "Makes sense. Though what happens if moths go extinct?"

"What happens to you humans when George Washingtons go extinct?!" retorted Kirby Spider.

"What an idiot," muttered Zelda.

Kirby Spider looked over at the Hyrulian elf, then raised several spider eyebrows. "Hey, is this the chick you're proposing to? She could get caught in my web anyday!"

Zelda felt like hurling. "UGH! A spider finds me attractive!" Trying hard NOT to hurl (and picturing Zelda hurling is just wrong, wrong, wrong), Zelda looked over at Fox and requested, "Please kill him!"

"AUGH! Wait!" Kirby Spider shouted as Fox leveled the barrel of his laser gun at it. "Gimme a fighting chance! I have no legs!"

"So what do you want?" asked Fox, not lowering his gun.

"Let's say I'm a Resident Evil™ spider! So I can spit posion at you and your shots don't kill me right away!"

Fox raised an eyebrow. "How do we do that?"

"Ask the author. It IS his story, and he can do what he wants."

**Author's Note** - Okay, but don't ask for legs! The whole concept of humor is based around you not having legs. You want legs, you can go to KFC and order some!"

"Har har har!" Kirby Spider laughed sarcastically.

Suddenly, the athosphere changed considerably. The lighting of the kitchen turned several degrees darker. Fox McCloud was dressed as Chris Redfield, wearing Chris's green S.T.A.R.S. outfit, but still holding his laser gun. Zelda was dressed as Jill Valentine, equiped every part of Jill's S.T.A.R.S. outfit, from her beret to her handgun. Kirby Spider was now a short distance from Fox, but seemed to carry an aura of terror, even without its legs.

The mood of the place changed to Resident Evil™ style as well. It made people in the room, and looking at the room, think things like:

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SOUND?! AAAAAAAAHHH!!"

"Like the outfit, Zelda?" Fox asked her politely as he looked at her, twirling his laser gun on his finger. "That's what Jill wore in Resident Evil™, yet it sounds so commerical when I had that stupid ™. It's such a great game."

"You play it?" she asked.

"Yep."

"What's it like?"

"Alfred Hitchcock combined with Stephen King."

"HA HA HAAAAA!!" exclaimed Kirby Spider. "I will kill both of you now with a poisonous attack, and you won't find a Blue Herb in time!"

"Did I mention something, you bowling ball?" spoke up Fox.

"Apart from proposing tips? No."

Fox then was able to pull an enormous object from his pocket, which is what all Resident Evil characters can do. The object at hand (or, to be more specific, Fox's hand) was a Rocket Launcher with infinite ammo.

"I'm quite good at Resident Evil," Fox couldn't help but grin. "Good enough to unlock the bonus stuff."

If spiders could sweat in terror, the Kirby Spider would. If they could turn pale, the Kirby Spider would. If they could wet their pants, then spiders would look pretty stupid, because they were wearing pants.

"Uh-oh!" was all spiders of huge sizes, vocal abilities, and no legs could do.

Fox shot a missile at the Kirby Spider, who screamed and rolled away. All Fox did was leave a humongous crater in the wall. Although Resident Evil game designers leave out when explosions from weapons take place, the author likes signs of destruction, so that was left in.

"Fox!" exclaimed Zelda. "This is our kitchen!"

But Fox, even with his great hearing, couldn't hear Zelda over the sounds of the explosion, and Kirby Spider screaming as he rolled around. Two more rockets blasted out of the launcher, and left smoldering craters in the kitchen's wall, ceiling and floor.

"I really wish you'd stand still!" shouted Fox as he missed yet again with his fourth rocket.

"I HAVEN'T GOT ANY LEGS!! I CAN'T STAND AT ALL!!" shrieked Kirby Spider.

"Well then, stay in place!" ordered Fox.

"Okay!" Kirby Spider stopped rolling and looked at Fox, as if wanting thanks for following the vulpine's orders. He got the clicking sound of the rocket launcher switching to the next missile.

"Thank you," the Chris Redfield-costumed kid commented.

"Oh, shit," replied Kirby Spider.

_BA-ROOOOOOOOM!!_ Fox shot his fifth rocket and blew spider version of Kirby to a sight that makes mothers want to ban video games from their children.

Zelda brushed a piece of spider gore of her beret, then turned to Fox. "Nice job. If the kitchen was so wrecked, I'd be proud that you killed that freak of nature spider."

Fox smirked at her. "You mean it is a kitsune-crashed kitchen!' "

The Jill Valentine-costumed elf couldn't help but chuckle at this little joke. "Nice, but I think you might want to put that away and just use your laser gun."

"Oh, okay."

"By the way, does Jill have a boyfriend?"

"Not really, why?" asked Fox as he put his Rocket Launcher back into his pocket.

"Because maybe the author changed Link into that costume?"

"Pretty likely he didn't. Link wouldn't have a clue who he was if he were suddenly Carlos Oliveria or Chris Redfield."

"Those are the two men who are most paired with Jill the most?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Zelda thought about this, then suddenly, her eyes shot up. "Wait a minute!" But without waiting for a minute like she requested, she continued talking by asking, "Aren't you dressed like Chris Redfield?"

Fox's face flushed from fright from not only Zelda's suspicion, but that that stupid pun about starting words with f' might have led to the worst of all words, and would have resulted in this story being raised a rating.

"Err...well, in the games, there isn't really any romance!" the vulpine kid used that as his defense.

"_You fool!_" his brain was shouting at him like Homer Simpson's brain constantly does with him. "_That is not a strong enough point! Say the author dressed us up like this!_"

"Hey, it was the author who costumed us up like this!" Fox quickly added. "He could have just as well dressed us up as Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield."

****

Author's Note - Fox, Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield is also a popular Resident Evil coupling!

"Quiet, you fool!" cried Fox frantically.

"_Yeah, quiet, you fool!_" his brain agreed.

"I'm not holding you to fault for what the author is doing, Fox!" replied Zelda.

"_Oh, really?_" her brain countered. "_So if the author goes ahead with that warped coupling of you and him, will you be telling Link that it was the author's fault when he goes after the vulpine boy?_"

"Quiet, brain!" replied Zelda angry.

"Who are you talking to?" Fox asked, confused.

"_Great move, Zellie!_" her brain mocked her. "_You got that foxy boy...no, I meant fox boy thinking we're insane now!_"

"You're not helping!" muttered Zelda.

Fox looked hurt. "I just blew away two hundred zombies and one of their leaders! Why are you saying I'm not being helping?"

"_Oh, great!_" Zelda's brain was raving. "_Now he's upset at us, and all for a stupid joke that is a rip-off from The Simpsons!_"

"Will you shut up already?" growled Zelda, losing her temper.

Now Fox was really hurt. "If you want...," he said softly.

"No! Not you, Fox!" exclaimed the elvin princess. "I was talking to my brain!"

Fox raised an eyebrow. "Is the author ripping off humor from The Simpsons again?"

Zelda smiled and nodded, and Fox noticed there was a bit of spider flesh on top of her shoulder. He reached over to brush it off, and when his hand made contact with her, even though she was fully-clad there, his hand felt very tingly all of a sudden. The romantics reading this story are probably swooning, while everyone else is probably just shouting,

"CUT THE ROMANCE AND GET BACK TO THE VIOLENCE!"

* * *

Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch were now battling the Donkey Kong Spider. The baby Pokémon grabbed a nearby table and smashed one of the spiders legs off. The two-dimensional man pulled a giant mallet from wherever he stores his stuff, and smashed the spider's eyes, bursting several of them. Eye juice and blood ran down the spider's face as Mr. Game & Watch ripped off of the spider's legs and starting beating the Donkey Kong Spider with it.

"AUGH!" the Donkey Kong Spider screamed. "This is so unfair! I don't have fists like Donkey Kong!"

"Don't expect much pity!" Mr. Game & Watch snapped. He grabbed ahold of the tie that the mutant spider was wearing, and yanked hard. Donkey Kong Spider gurgled as he was being strangled.

"Hey...," it gasped. "Can't we all just get along?"

"In a fictional story featuring giant spiders that deserved and were made to be smashed, mutilated, shot and slashed to bloody, gooey pieces to please the ravenous appitites of our many readers who crave the extremly violent type of reading until it is almost sexual to them?" asked Pichu.

"Err...yes?" suggested Donkey Kong Spider.

Pichu smirked. "No chance in the burning Hells, you dork."

With that, Mr. Game & Watch yanked as hard as he could on the tie, slicing the head of the mutant spider off of its body. He tossed the tie away, then sighed.

"I wanted to blow him away with a Sub-Machine Gun, but oh well!" Mr. Game & Watch shrugged.

"I personally prefer the Magnum, because the decapitation of zombies to rid the threat of Crimson Heads springing up and slashing at you with horribly-mutated claws to disembowel you and then tear and rend the flesh with wicked, askew teeth after you have passed away, is quite reassuring," commented Pichu. This was a reasonable concept, and Mr. Game & Watch's nod was the pefect cover, for he really had lost focus at the beginning of that run-on sentence.

The two had been cornered by a dozen spiders and the Donkey Kong Spider when the story was focused around Fox and Zelda. Mr. Game & Watch had pulled a two-dimensional Assault Shotgun out and blown away the lesser spiders, but the Donkey Kong Spider had proved to be tougher, as all major villains do in action flicks and video games that have big guns in them. Pichu had lectured Donkey Kong Spider the immorals of flesh-tearing, poisoning, and being downright creepy, and the Donkey Kong Spider's small brain was so overwhelmed by the baby Pokémon's enormous vocabulary and excellent points, that all action to fight back was shoved out of the bullet wounds that Mr. Game & Watch had blew open in it.

Pichu raised an eyebrow as Mr. Game & Watch pulled out a two-dimensional, pitch-black Flamethrower. "I trust that you will avoid the walls, floor and furniture when you are torching opponents?" he asked.

Mr. Game & Watch then donned a Crocodile Dundee hat and a Steve Irwin accent. "Let's throw another spider on the barbaque, mate!"

And with a loud war-cry, Mr. Game & Watch ran into another room, brandishing his Flamethrower.

Pichu watched in amazement, mixed with a little horror. "Oh, bloody hell!" he exclaimed. "Looks like we'll be leaving you mates in wonder of what going to come next! But don't be dissapointed, for we left you with a huge mix of spider carnage, witty dialouge, and left out the threesome the narrator almost led to! Although we know you hentai-fans are not happy with that, just let me remind you that we do things differently down here. It isn't called the wild outback for nothing! Yet we're done here, so I bid you g'day, mates!

CRIKEY! THIS CHAPTER'S OVER, MATE!

.

.

.

But not the extra details! We, like all fics where SSBM characters are bumped off one by one (or faster), must have a list of their "progress." There will actually be two lists, and current deaths, costumes, positions, and additudes will be listed about the SSBM characters and Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness leaders. The lists are:

**__**

SSBM Characters

**Mr. Game & Watch** - Now in total Australian-style, toasting spiders with a Resident Evil-like Flamethrower.

**Pichu** - Trying to assist G&W, but he doesn't really need help.

**Fox McCloud** - Dressed as Chris Redfield, armed and ready.

**Zelda** - Dressed as Jill Valentine, armed as well.

**Everyone Else** - Wait for the next chapter. You might get lucky if your favorite one shows up.

**__**

Spider Characters

**Kirby Spider** - Blown to bloody bits by bold Fox's really loud Rocket Launcher.

**Donkey Kong Spider** - Torn-off top by terribly-tightened tie.

**Other Spider Leaders** - No word yet. Come back next chapter.

**Minor Spider Death Count**:

Slashed To Pieces - 1.

Laser Gunned Down - 200.

Machine Gunned Down - 1.

Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.

(REALLY) Bad Food Gone Down The Hatch - 16.

Shot By Assault Shotgun - 12.

Had Foot Put Down On - 2.

Total - **234** and rising!

And only in the first two chapters of this spider-slaughtering mayhem! Aren't you glad you came?


	6. Retpahc Tluafed

Author's Note - I do not own Game & Watch Series, Pokémon, Fire Emblem, Mario Brothers, Legend of Zelda, Donkey Kong Country, Metroid, Kirby, Earthbound (Mother), Star Fox, F-Zero or SSBM. I also don't own Lord of the Rings, Resident Evil, or Monkey Island.

I don't anything, it would seem. I wonder where I live

****

Chapter 6 - Retpahc Tluafed

"Don't aim your flame-spewing device at the couch, Game & Watch!"

"No worries, mate!"

FUUUUUUMM!! CRACKLE!!

"I surely hope that one of the other Smashers was wishing for the couch to be the shade of black, because you did a good job at turning it into that!"

Mr. Game & Watch ignored this, and proceeded to torch the spiders that spewed from the open doors. He grinned as he watched them burn to spider cinders.

"Crikey! They just keep coming!" shouted Game & Watch. So far, he had torched thirty-seven spiders, but more kept coming!

"Yes, the process of their entering this room and coming towards us, brandishing their fangs and ugly bodies does make me nervous as to when the pouring of arachnids will stop!"

"You think the other Smashers are okay?!" Game & Watch exclaimed.

"I'm sure they are doing well in this time of spider peril!"

***

"HELP!! EEEEEEWW!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!" shrieked a very loud, very high-pitched voice from on top of the table.

Peach walked over to the table, rolling her blue eyes and saying, "Bowser, get off the table. You'll break it!"

"Get that icky spider away from me! EWW!! EEEEEEWWW!!"

Rolling her eyes to the heavens, Peach pulled her frying pan from the depths of absolutely nowhere, and bludgeoned the spider's face to a bloody pulp.

"Get it out of here! It's nasty!" wailed Bowser, pointing at the remains of the spider.

"Do it yourself!" retorted Peach. "I'm not in favor of helping those that kidnap me constantly!"

That reminded Bowser of his one true purpose in life. His eyes filled with evil ambitions, he grabbed Peach with his giant claw. Dropping the frying pan in surprise, she shouted, "What are you doing?!"

"Kidnapping you again, my little princess!" he cackled.

A spider walked in front of Bowser. His pupils shrank in fear, and he dropped Peach as he screamed like a girl Koopa.

"EAT HER, NOT ME!! AAAAAAAHHH!!" he screamed as ran from the spider towards the door. But because Bowser is a hulking brute who cannot think straight when he is panicking, he went _through_ the door completely rather than opening it and then going through it.

"DINNER!!" the spider screamed in Spiderish.

"Get away from me, you sick freak!" Peach shouted, grabbing her frying pan, and then beating the **(censored)** out of the **(heavily censored)** spider. A pool of spider mulch and legs remained there.

"Hmmph!" Peach hmmph'd. "Teach you a lesson or two to mess with me!"

"Peach! Are you okay?"

Peach turned around to see Zelda and Fox then run into the room, still dressed in their Resident Evil costumes. Zelda's gun was smoking from shooting it so many times, and Fox's laser gun looked like a bonfire was taking place in the barrel.

"I'm fine, how are you guys?" Peach asked casually.

"We're good. Fox has been blasting every spider that comes ten feet within us, so no spider ever can touch us!"

"Ah, he's like your bodyguard now!"

"Chris Redfield is nobody's bodyguard!" muttered Fox, as he walked towards a door to see if spiders were coming.

"Can I have a costume, too?" asked Peach. "This dress of mine is stained with spider goo! How disgusting!"

"Not to mention it could be poisonous!" added Zelda. "I'm sure the special effects department will aid you!"

Then, with a flash of magic, Peach was transformed to look like Claire Redfield. Her pink dress had been changed into Claire's motorcycle outfit, and Peach's blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Instead of a ponytail, Peach carried a Magnum.

"Cool!" she exclaimed.

"Hi, sister," commented Fox as he walked past them to check another door.

Zelda snickered, then said, "I can't see the family resemblance!"

"What do we do now?" asked the vulpine teenager.

"I have no clue," admitted Peach. "But for some strange reason, I have a desire to split up!"

Suddenly, a huge spider burst into the room from one of the doors, knocking the once-useful door away. "DINNER!!" it screamed when it saw the Resident Evil dressed Smashers.

Peach, quick to dispose of the monster, aimed her Magnum and shot at the creature, who exploded like a balloon of spider blood. The Magnum also succeeded in knocking Peach to the floor, for she had never used a Magnum before.

"You okay, Peach?" asked Zelda, looking down at her friend.

"I'm fine...," the Mushroom Princess strained.

"Good thing she didn't have the Rocket Launcher!" pointed out Fox.

***

Link, Marth and Roy were dealing with a ton of spiders, slashing and hacking and making a huge, bloody mess.

"Die, foul arachnid!" shouted Marth, slashing a spider in two.

"Die, stinky spider!" shouted Roy, cleaving another's head off.

"Feel the taste of the Master Sword!" shouted Link, splitting a spider's head in two.

"Needs salt," muttered the spider in Spiderish before dying.

The room was soon filled with many dead spiders, a total of forty-seven. The room was ankle-deep in spider goo, and it was truly a disturbing sight. Yucky, icky icky!

"Now we must find the others!" Link shouted.

"Agreed!" Marth agreed.

"I cannot allow you to do that," Roy most certainly did not say.

It was the Marth Spider! A blue cape fluttered on its back, and it looked at them with its many eyes. Pulling a sword from seemingly nowhere, like all Nintendo characters can do, the Marth Spider gripped it with a hand-like fore claw. "Who wants a piece of me?"

"I'll enjoy a piece of you, spider freak!" Marth approached. "You shall not dare mock me and live to tell the tale!"

"Okay, weiner!" Marth Spider shouted. "En guarde!"

The two dueled with their swords, equally matched it would seem. Then Marth Spider shouted, "_You're the ugliest creature I've seen in my life!_"

"Excuse me?" Marth shouted, concentrating more on the face.

Suddenly, Marth Spider gained the edge in the battle, and Marth was forced to back up. "_You make me want to puke!_" Marth Spider insulted him again.

"Vile spider!" replied Marth, not able to think of anything else. Once again, he was forced backward!

"_You have the sex appeal of a Shar-pi!_" insulted Marth Spider.

"Stop doing that!" Marth exclaimed, almost panicking.

Then, with a strong blow, Marth Spider disarmed Marth by knocking the prince's special sword away. "Ha! I win!" shouted Marth Spider.

"My friend's honor will be avenged!" roared Roy, charging forward.

***

The Peach Spider, pink dress and all, approached Fox, Zelda, and a rather pissed-off Peach.

"How dare you wear that?" she shouted, an aura of fury coming from her.

"I wear what I want to wear!" retorted Peach Spider.

"You dare to wear what I wear?" shouted Peach.

"Yes, I dare to wear what you wear!"

"Well, I don't care if you dare to wear what I wear!"

"Guess what? I don't care that you don't care that I dare to wear what you wear!"

"You dare to not care that I don't care that you dare to wear what I wear?!"

"I can bear that I dare to not care that you don't care that I dare to wear what you wear!"

Fox and Zelda exchanged glances. "_Where_ is this going?" muttered Fox.

"I don't care," replied Zelda.

"I simply cannot bear to see you wear that!" Peach pointed her Magnum at the Peach Spider. "Let's see how you fair now!"

BOOM!! The explosion of the Magnum knocked Peach to her feet again, and blew off two of Peach Spider's left legs.

"Argh!" Peach Spider screamed. "How dare you blow off my legs? But for now, I think I'll care to run away like a scaredy-cat!"

And with that, Peach Spider ran out of the room on six legs, with Fox and Zelda shooting at it. However, the dress-wearing freak was able to make it out of the room, and Fox and Zelda were not in the mood to go after it.

"Medic...," moaned Peach from the floor.

Fox looked down at her, then asked, "You okay, Princess Peach?"

"I think I fare well."

"That's good."

"Should we dare go after that dress-wearing freak now?" asked Zelda.

"Sure! I'll follow it into its lair!"

***

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" said the mighty monkey, and did so with his giant foot. He then rounded on another spider.

"Err...can we talk about this?" it asked, but since the spider only spoke in Spiderish, it came out as a collection of shrieks and titters.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" repeated the mighty monkey, and hammered the spider with his giant fist, turning the giant spider into a pool of goo. Then he approached a third spider.

"Hey! You can't squash me!" shouted the spider in Spiderish. "The joke will too old!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" exclaimed the mighty monkey, and then clapped the spider between his giant hands. The spider was now a squashed pile of goo.

Donkey Kong looked at the three spiders, victims of a very bad run-on joke. He had been separated from the others a long time ago, and was now fending for himself. His limited vocabulary was no problem, for he only once met a spider that could actually speak English, and when Donkey Kong saw that it was wearing a yellow dress, he ran in absolute fear.

In truth, Donkey Kong loved smashing the giant spiders, even it got spider pieces and spider blood on his monkey hands. It was like playing a video game where you can smash huge spiders over and over, and, like some humans out there, Donkey Kong couldn't get enough of that.

Suddenly, a door broke down! Donkey Kong turned just in time to see it collapse and a dozen spiders march in, all in front of an even bigger spider. This one, however, was wearing a red helmet with a green visor.

"Okay, men!" Samus Spider shouted, then pointed at a nearby chair. "Kill that monkey!"

"Yes, ma'am!" the spiders replied in Spiderish, then ran for the chair. It was brutally torn apart and shredded by the spiders' fangs and feet. This made Donkey Kong angry! How dare they destroy that chair!!

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" he bellowed, grabbing a nearby spider by one of its feet. Yanking it off the ground and lifting it in front of him, he slapped the spider, teaching it a lesson he'd never forget.

"I'll never forget this!" the spider shrieked in Spiderish. "You'll regret this!"

Donkey Kong, in seven seconds, did regret it. He had flung that spider at a nearby wall, resulting in it splattering its spider guts all over the wall. Donkey Kong was only really regretting it because he didn't get to stomp on the spider!

"I said kill that monkey!" shouted Samus Spider, pointing one of its legs at a couch. "Ughhh...damn helmet! Can't see a bloody thing with it on!"

The now eleven spiders charged at the couch and massacred the innocent piece of furniture. Donkey Kong, angered again, stomped on them one by one, squashing them into...you get the point.

Pretty soon, Samus Spider was left with one bodyguard, who was violently assaulting a table lamp.

"DIE, SMASHER!!" the spider exclaimed, clawing with its legs.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH DUMB SPIDER!!" Donkey Kong exclaimed, grabbed the spider, and threw him against the wall, splattering it all over the place.

"Okay, it's just you and me, monkey boy!" Samus Spider shouted, yelling at a bookcase. "What do you have to say about that?!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!"

The large monkey ran up to the Samus Spider and punched it, knocking it to the side.

"Ouch!" protested Samus Spider. "How dare you hurt me!"

"Donkey Kong dare! Me no care!"

"I don't care if you don't care that you dare to hurt me!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!"

"Err...that doesn't work-"

WHAM!! A solid kick to the side and Samus Spider was sent sprawling again. Donkey Kong grinned and approached her, cracking his knuckles.

"Go ahead, finish me off!" wailed Samus Spider. "You'll go down as the monkey that killed a blind spider!"

That stopped Donkey Kong, who looked at Samus Spider with curiosity. "If Donkey Kong remove spider's helmet, will spider be happy?"

"Sure! We don't have to wait until the end of the game to remove this helmet!"

"Okay, then!" Donkey Kong grabbed the helmet and pulled hard.

"OUCH!! You're hurting my neck!" Samus Spider protested.

"Helmet stuck!"

"I know, so pull harder!"

Donkey Kong did, and finally yanked the helmet off. The only problem was that the head was still in it.

"Donkey Kong took helmet off! See, spider-" Donkey Kong stopped and looked at the carcass of the spider, blood flowing from the large opening where its head used to be. "Oops. Donkey Kong pull a little too hard!"

He then looked at the helmet. "What Donkey Kong do with helmet?"

Then another of the normal but still large spiders walked into the room. It saw Donkey Kong, and Donkey Kong saw it.

"DINNER!!" it shrieked in Spiderish.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" cried the mighty monkey, and flung the helmet at the other spider's head with such force, it squashed the spider's head with a burst of spider blood and brains.

***

Marth, Roy and Link backed up from Marth Spider, all three of them disarmed by the abomination with a cape. It waved its sword at them triumphantly. "Who wants to die first?" it asked politely.

"What a very tempting offer!" whimpered Roy. "I'll pass however!"

"Hey, Marth Spider!" shouted a familiar voice from behind them.

"What do you want, unidentified fool?" shouted Marth Spider, turning around to see Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu standing nearby.

"I've come to throw YOU on the barbecue, mate!" Mr. Game & Watch shouted, pointing the Flamethrower at him.

"Just you try it!" Marth Spider replied cockily, brandishing his spider. "Spider's Fang here has disarmed the three greatest sword masters of all the Smashers!"

"Spider's Fang?" repeated Game & Watch, confused.

"My sword's name!"

"Fine then. Weirdo," Game & Watch added under his breath.

"Stand behind my body and be defended back there, my associate!" shouted Pichu, stepping forward. "This Marth-impersonating freak is mine to slaughter!"

Suddenly, the special effects department transformed Pichu's costume! He was now wearing blue pants, a white shirt, and welding a pirate's scimitar! Marth Spider smirked, and shouted, "En guarde! Touché!"

"Oh, that is so cliché!" retorted Pichu as he lunged forward. The two dueled with their weapons, equally matched in skill.

"_Killing you will be justifiable homicide!_" shouted Marth Spider.

"_Then killing you will be justifiable pesticide!_" retorted Pichu.

Marth Spider was forced to back up. "Argh! You are trained in the arts of Insult Sword Fighting!"

"You'd better believe it, dork! _Give up now, or I'll crush you like a grape!_"

"_I would if it would stop your WINE-ing!_" Pichu backed up as Marth Spider gained a boost, and they were back to their original position.

"_You Pokémon have no brains in your head!_"

"_You freaks have no reason to not be dead!_"

Pichu gained the advantage and forced Marth Spider to back up. "_I think you are the dumbest thing on Earth!_" Pichu shouted.

"Errgh...I think...you're ugly!" strained Marth Spider, and was forced to back up again.

"_You look like something just died a painful death!_"

"Auugh...I know you are but what am I?"

Now Pichu was overpowering Marth Spider. Pressing his scimitar down on Marth's Spider's sword, who was holding it up as his only defense, Pichu grinned wickedly at the trembling spider.

With a whimper, Marth Spider tried, "_You fight like a dairy farmer!_"

"_How appropriate! You fight like a cow!_"

With that, Pichu cleaved the spider's sword in half, and then drove his blade through the spider's head, cutting it in half and spilling its brains (not that it had much) all over the floor.

As Pichu sheaved his sword, Mr. Game & Watch approached him and patted his back. "Good work, mate!"

"I take your compliment with open arms and thank you considerably! I do what I can to help my friends!"

Marth, Link and Roy were picking up their swords when suddenly, a door was broken down! But as a dozen spiders walked in, the door propped itself back up!

"I'M SICK OF YOU STUPID SPIDERS KNOCKING US DOWN AND BREAKING US OPEN!!" the door roared, no mouth seen but still speaking for the sake of humor. "DIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!"

With that, the door threw itself down and squashed two puzzled spiders into bloody pulps. The leader of the spiders, a larger spider that was pure black and eyeless, beeped and clicked.

"MY EVIL SPIDER CLONE!!" Mr. Game & Watch roared, discarding his Flamethrower, hat and accent. "YOU DARE TO DARE ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE?!! I'LL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF TWO-DIMENSIONAL POWER!!"

Pichu's eyes widened in fear. "Oh-no, Game & Watch! Do not use the-"

But it was too late. Out of two-dimensional nowhere, Mr. Game & Watch pulled out a battle ax that was about the same size as a pool table. "YOU CAN TASTE MY AXE!!"

"Mr. Game & Watch, are you sure you want to be welding a giant wea-"

"NO POINTY-EARED POKéMON IS GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!" With that, Mr. Game & Watch charged forward, cleaving a spider henchman in half.

"He's gone Gimli!" cried Roy, sort of frightened by this change of events.

"I'll get more than he will!" Link smirked, and his costumed changed to something that looked very Legolas-like. Firing his bow in a steady stream, he killed three spiders with three well-aimed shots.

Mr. Game & Watch Spider beeped and clicked, then turned around and ran as fast as his spider legs could take him. The real Mr. Game & Watch, who was just done slicing another spider into pieces, noticed this and bellowed a war cry, running after the monster. "DIE, SHELAB!!"

"Please delay for myself to catch up, Gimli!" Pichu called to his friend, running after the berserking, 2-D man.

"This is just too weird!" groaned Marth as he watched the two run out of the room.

Link finished the rest of the spider bodyguards off with a few arrows, then nodded. "I agree. But at least I won that little round against Game & Watch!"

"Gimli & Watch, now," corrected Roy.

***

Mr. Game & Watch chased after Mr. Game & Watch Spider throughout the mansion, Pichu running after them. As they did so, Pichu was shouting,

"You realize that the chapter is now over, and we will have to wait until the next chapter to see what happens next! We have already enlisted the aid of Resident Evil, Monkey Island and Lord of the Rings in our fights and costumes, and the spiders death count is very pleasing! A lot of blood, a lot of gore, but surely is that not what the readers want? We leave you with these words of wisdom, for they surely describe this chapter best!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" _SPLAT!!_

THE CHAPTER ("HOW DARE YOU SQUASH MY FRI-" _SPLAT!!_) IS OVER.

__

.

.

.

.

.

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****

SSBM Characters

**Mr. Game & Watch** - With large battle ax and raging temper, he is going after the Mr. Game & Watch Spider.

**Pichu** - Dressed as Guybrush Threepwood. Trying to assist G&W again, but he doesn't really need help again.

**Fox McCloud** - Dressed as Chris Redfield.

**Zelda** - Dressed as Jill Valentine.

**Peach Toadstool** - Dressed as Claire Redfield.

**Bowser** - Running from the icky-gross spiders!

**Marth** - Weirded out by what is going on.

**Roy** - See Marth.

**Link** - Dressed as Legolas, thrilled that he out-scored Gimli & Watch.

**Donkey Kong** - DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!! (_SPLAT!!_)

**Everyone Else** - You'll have to wait again. Seems like they're just far too busy to come to the chapter right now, so you can leave a message after the beep.

**__**

Spider Characters

**Kirby Spider** - Ended by extremely explosive rocket emitter!

**Donkey Kong Spider** - Head handed to him (literally) when tie tightened too much!

**Marth Spider **- Lost Insult Sword Fighting, was Immediately Sliced Fervently!

**Samus Spider** - Helmet and head heaved off by homicidal humanoid!

**Peach Spider** - Two left legs blown off by Peach/Claire's Magnum, running as best it can in a pink dress.

**Mr. Game & Watch Spider** - Running as fast as his black, spider legs can take him, but luckily not burdened by a pink dress.

**Bowser Spider** - Eating from the refrigerator once again. We didn't add him in the last one because it was just a cameo, but because he threatened to eat _us_, we changed our minds.

**Pikachu Spider** - Recovering from electric shock Pikachu gave it in Pikachu's room. See Bowser Spider for why he was not mentioned in Chapter 5.

**Other Spider Leaders** - Well, we've still got Pichu, Daisy, Mario and Luigi, Falco and Fox, Captain Falcon, Link and Zelda, Jigglypuff and Mewtwo, Roy, Ganondorf, Yoshi, Ness, Popo and Nana, Doctor Mario, and Young Link. Stick around, and you'll most likely see one or two squashed.

**Minor Spider Death Count**:

Slashed To Pieces - 48.

Laser Gunned Down - 200.

Machine Gunned Down - 1.

Magnum Gunned Down - 1.

Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 12.

Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.

(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.

Had Foot Put Down On - 12.

Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 37.

Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.

Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 5.

Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.

Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.

Crushed By Angry Door (...Weird) - 2.

Axed - 2.

Arrowed - 8.

All In All - **349**! ("DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" _SPLAT!!_) ...**350**!


	7. The Stock Producer

Chapter 07 - The Stock Producer

"Die, you freaky thing, you! Why don't you die!?"

Ganondorf was desperately trying to destroy a freaky monster that had come after him. It was definetly a giant spider, because of its many legs. Ganondorf pummeled it madly, but it didn't seem to die or even bleed.

Mewtwo hovered behind him. It looked at the King of Thieves, then rolled its eyes. "Ganondorf," it spoke slowly, "why are you attacking that potted plant?"

Ganondorf stopped his pummeling quite suddenly, and chuckled nervously. "Err...it owes me money?"

"Threaten to give it a root canal," was Mewtwo's sarcastic reply. It started to hover away, and then it saw several giant spiders swarm into the room.

Now spiders aren't very bright creatures, as we know and have learned. But they could tell that Ganondorf had been beating up the plant, and they burst into laughter.

You stupid Smashers! one spider guaffed.

"This is humilating," muttered Mewtwo. "And it's not that funny either."

Then, using its psychic powers, the purple cat brought the potted plant to its hands, and it started beating the spiders to death with it.

HA HA HA HAAA!! Do you want us to beat it up for you- _SPLAT!!_

Hee hee hee! That is fun- _SPLAT!!_

Hey, that was rude and uncalled for! _SPLAT!!_

Don't kill us with a potted plant! It's...too silly? _SPLAT!!_

Can we talk about this? Maybe over a cup of coffee? _SPLAT!!_

DON'T KILL ME!! I have a wife and seven thousand kids! _SPLAT!!_

You're a jerk, you know that? _SPLAT!!_

Please don't kill me, sir! Err...sir or miss? Which gender are you- _SPLAT!!_

No, don't! I'll get a lawyer! _SPLAT!!_

Could you kill me another way? I'm allergic to that kind of plant. _SPLAT!!_

Only girlie Pokémon kill with plants! Are you a girlie- _SPLAT!!_

Speaking as the last spider standing, I would like to point out that this joke is stupid and overused and you should be ashamed of yourself for carrying on with it! _SPLAT!!_

Mewtwo then looked at the mushy remains of the twelve giant spiders, and then tossed the potted plant back to Ganondorf. "Here," it muttered. "Maybe now it'll pay you!"

Suddenly, a giant black spider ran by, clicking and beeping in fear. Mr. Game & Watch, dressed just like Gimli, Son of Gloin, was chasing after it with a giant battle-axe. Pichu, dressed as Guybrush Threepwood, was close behind, shouting, "Why do you not slice that arachnid with your extremely large cutting weapon, Game & Watch? Do you take great delight in pursuing it all over our enormous mansion?"

Mewtwo blinked, then added, "I'm almost certain I didn't see that!"

Then a school girl screamed behind it! Mewtwo whipped around to see the school girl, who was dressed in chain mail. Mewtwo raised an eyebrow as it watched the screaming school girl known as Ganondorf run from the room. "School girls wear the dumbest outfits these days," it muttered.

"I'll bloody well say!" hissed a voice from where Ganondorf was. Mewtwo looked around to see a spider, roughly the size of a car. It was Mewtwo's clone spider, each eye glowing a very creepy, very evil-looking cyan. And since the spider had many eyes, it was enough to make a cold shiver run down Mewtwo's spine. In fact, that shiver didn't just run, it sprinted!

"What do you want, spider?" Mewtwo asked the evil freak.

"Do you know what you Smashers contain in this mansion?" the spider asked Mewtwo.

"Furniture, a battle stadium, Peach's wardrobe, Pichu's complete set of dictionaries, extra overalls for the Mario brothers-"

It was suddenly interupted by a spine-chilling chopping sound! Mr. Game & Watch walked in the room, grinning proudly; his axe was now coated in spider guts and blood. Pichu followed him, adding, "Well done, my good friend! You've expunged that over-sized pest with a mighty chop of your trusty weapon! He recieved a bit more than a splitting headache from your punishment!"

Strangely enough, Mewtwo Spider laughed wickedly. "Do you think it matters how many of us you kill? Your mansion contains the greatest source of power ever! And when we find it, all of our fallen comrades will be revived and we spiders will rule the world!"

"Why stop there?" asked Mr. Game & Watch. "The galaxy is nice to rule too, and this world has a pollution problem! I'm sure many other worlds are nicer and pollutant-free!"

Pichu was more curious as to what the bloody heck the darn Mewtwo Spider was babbling about. "What is this power you speak of? If you are reffering to my dictionaries, then you will be quite downcast when you become aware that they do not contain any power except knowledge, a power no spider is going to be a master of."

"No, you fools! It's the Stock Producer! When we find it, we will become invincible and rule the world!" shouted Mewtwo Spider.

"The Stock Producer?" asked Mewtwo. "You mean the giant glowing device in the basement of our mansion? I always thought the whole damn thing was a rip-off of a science fiction movie, with everything glowing like Broadway and that giant power core in the center!"

"Yeah, but it looks pretty cool!" added Mr. Game & Watch.

"My original hypothesis was the same, and that the basement's sci-fi look was for doing just that," commented Pichu. "After all, the only function that the whole machine can process is extra stock in battles."

"That is the point!" hissed Mewtwo Spider. "Us spiders have invaded your mansion to earn these extra stock! We will become invincible, and then we will rule the world!"

"Those stock are for while battling only!" the psychic cat pointed out to its spider clone. "You cannot control the world while in the Melee Arena!"

"You would know about trying to control the world, wouldn't you, Mewtwo?" joked Mr. Game & Watch. Pichu snickered, as Mewtwo rolled its eyes.

"You fools!" shouted the psychic spider. "Any one of us special spiders can work the computers to our needs. It might take some time, but we will mold the machine to download stock into each and every one of us spiders! Then we will be invincible and rule the world!"

"That sounds tricky!" Mr. Game & Watch commented. "Are you sure you spiders can do that?"

"Yes, we are! We took Windows computer training classes!"

"So why aren't you all running for the Stock Producer? All I do is see you weirdos coming after us!"

"We shall get rid of every single one of you to assure our victory! So what if some of the members of Supreme Spiders Bringing Madness have perished? My psychic powers sense that many still live, and they will be revived!"

"Well," said Mewtwo. "My psychic powers tell me that _all_ of the Super Smash Brothers are alive! How do you like those apples?"

"I don't like apples. I prefer blood and flesh. But it doesn't matter, for I have now sent a psychic message to all of the spiders to look for the Stock Producer, and to attack any Smashers they see on the way! Thank you for sharing that data with me, Mewtwo!" it added with a cackle.

"Thank _you_ for telling us every detail of your plan!" Mr. Game & Watch pointed out. "Without you, we would've just thought that you spiders were hungry and all that icky-eating stuff! Now we know everything there is to know about your evil plans! You have what it takes to be a James Bond villian!"

Mewtwo Spider muttered some flithy words ("Ah, Cow Cakes,"). "At least I didn't tell you that if all of the special spiders die, then all of the minor spiders die. ...WHOOPS!!"

Then his eyes started extra-glowing with power! Mewtwo tensed up its psychic powers, Mr. Game & Watch gripped his axe, and Pichu tightened his grasp on his mighty pirate scimitar.

"Well, it's been lovely chatting with you guys, but I have a plan to follow!" Mewtwo Spider shouted evilly. "And when we spiders have accomplished what we set out for, we will become invincible, and we-"

"Will rule the world!" Mewtwo, Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu interrupted. "We know, we know!"

"Fine then! Now I must say good-bye!" With that, Mewtwo Spider teleported out of the room.

"Coward," muttered Mewtwo, calming down.

"We must find the Stock Producer before they do!" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch, putting on a heroic pose and speech because he thought it made things seem much more like a cool action movie. "Even us Smashers do not know where the basement door is! ...And may I remind you guys that we are on the third floor?"

"I've overheard the people who built this place that an anti-teleport ring has been constructed around the Stock Producer," added Mewtwo. "That way, no idiot who somehow learned to teleport accidentally teleports right into the core. That'd result in a huge lawsuit! Although this provents me from getting in there right away, it keeps that wanna-be me out too."

"If we're going to stop these monstrous arachnids who have planned this all out," rambled Pichu, "then we must begin the process of either killing all of the special spiders, or sealing off the way to the basement! Mr. Game & Watch and I will go together to find the basement! Mewtwo, spread the word to the other Smashers of what we have learned here! We must make haste!"

The two small Smashers dashed out of the room, and Mewtwo rolled its eyes yet again. "I'm taking orders from Pichu. Someone up there must hate me."

***

Up there was the fourth floor, and on it were Captain Falcon, Yoshi and Ness. They didn't hate Mewtwo, they just were not that fond of him. Right now, however, they were now surronded by spiders, and it didn't look good.

Yoshi lashed out his tongue, snaring a spider by its leg. "Hmmm! I've never had spiders before!" the dinosaur babbled, speaking with his mouth still open. Captain Falcon, Ness and all the other giant spiders who were there watched in total disgust as the spider was dragged kicking and screaming into Yoshi's mouth.

Yoshi was somehow able to fit the large spider in his smaller mouth, except for a couple of the legs that stuck out. Ness felt like hurling as he watched the legs kick from Yoshi's mouth. With a few chomps and a swallow, the spider was now floating in the dino's digestive system.

"So...," Captain Falcon was the first to speak. "what's it taste like?"

"Chicken."

The others spiders roared in anger; how dare Yoshi claim that they taste like chicken! They had no clue what a chicken was, but they hated it nevertheless. Charging at the heroes, Ness, Captain Falcon and Yoshi took them out one by one.

After the squashing, Ness had killed seven in total with his bat, Falcon took out six, and Yoshi had eaten eight. The dino cheered his victory, until one of the doors was smashed down! The Yoshi Spider charged in, along with twelve body guards.

"Ewwww!" Yoshi squealed. "That thing has green hair!"

"Look well, my clone father!" Yoshi Spider cackled. "It will be the last thing you see before I eat you alive!" Then the monster spider lashed out its long tongue, catching Yoshi by his leg.

"Ewww!" exclaimed Yoshi. "Bad tongue!" he added, then hit the tongue. Most people have never been hit on the tongue, but it does hurt, like when you bite your tongue.

"OWWIIEEE!" shrieked Yoshi Spider, letting go of Yoshi. His tongue whipped back and somehow wrapped around one its henchmen's legs. He noticed this, then said, "Hey, you know, I've never tried one of our own!"

So the cannibal dragged the spider, kicking and screaming, into his mouth, then chewed violently. With a swallow, Yoshi Spider burped and said, "Hey, we taste like chicken!"

Ness, Yoshi and Captain Falcon all raised an eyebrow. The minion spiders grumbled their dissaproval, and this resulted in another of them being eaten by their leader!

"You spiders will never get anything done if you eat yourselves!" exclaimed Ness.

"There's more than five million of these minor spiders pouring into your mansion at every minute!" Yoshi Spider proudly exclaimed. Falcon, Yoshi and Ness turned quite pale at that fact. "And besides, we'll revive them all when we find what we are looking for!"

"What's that?" Falcon asked him.

To make a long story short, the stupid spider told the three Smashers every last detail about their evil spider plans.

"You got that, fools?" Yoshi Spider snapped at them.

Captain Falcon finished writing his notes on his pad of paper, then nodded. "Yeah, pretty much!"

"No need to repeat yourself, dude!" Ness commented, then added, "Except for the part about becoming invincible and ruling the world; you said that plently of times!"

"Now you all shall die painful deaths! Kill them, my minions!" Yoshi Spider exclaimed. The ten minor, giant spiders rushed towards their opponents, and Yoshi Spider lashed out its tongue at Ness; however, he snared another of his minions, and ate him while the remaining nine attacked the Smashers.

The battle sounded something like this:

"FALCON...PUNCH!!" POW!!

OW! _SPLAT!_

"Yummy spiders!"

Help, Yoshi's got my leg! Save me! AAAAA- 

Chew, chew, chew, gulp!

"PK FIRE!!"

Ow, it burns! ...Then again, fire always burns! ...Oh, wait, I'm dead now! 

"Falcon Kick!" POW!!

Ow, that burns! _SPLAT!!_

"Time for seconds!"

No, don't eat me! I have a wife and four thousand children! Eat them! 

Chew, chew, chew, gulp!

"PK Thunder!"

Ow, it shocks! Oh, my brain exploded! I'm dead too! 

"Eat my Raptor Boost!" POW!!

I prefer blood and fle- _SPLAT!!!_

"Now I'll have thirds!"

I'll sic PETA on you! 

Chew, chew, chew, gulp!

"PK Flash!"

Hey, look at the pretty green light! Cool, it's coming closer! Oh no, I'm dead. 

BOOM!! _SPLAT!!!!_

Yoshi Spider looked at his nine dead spiders; actually, he was looking at his nine dead spiders' remains. One also happened to be splattered all over the ceiling, due to Falcon's Raptor Boost.

"Well, now you will be eaten alive!" Yoshi Spider roared. "For my minions are dead, and will no longer distract me with their chicken flavor!"

Yoshi thought fast. "Look behind you! It's Colonel Sanders with a bucket of extra crispy legs!"

"CHICKEN! WHERE?!" Yoshi Spider whipped around, looking for the man with the chicken plan. Using this advantage, Yoshi lashed his chameleon-like tongue out and snared one of his spider clone's back legs.

"Hey, no fair!" Yoshi Spider growled, but that didn't help him. Yoshi dragged the car-sized spider to his mouth.

Ness swallowed hard, then whimpered, "You're not going to eat _him_, are you?"

Captain Falcon nodded. "Yeah, man, you don't know where that spider's been!"

But with his marvolous tongue muscles and incredible size-altering mouth, Yoshi brought the foul spider into his mouth, chewed several times and then swallowed. "Hey, that was kind of extra crispy! Yummy!"

Ness and Captain Falcon fought the incredible urge to barf, hurl and also puke. Yoshi looked at their green faces, and then the normally green faced dinosaur said, "Hey guys, we should tell the others about these spiders' plan! Time is now our enemy, allied with the five million spiders!"

Falcon and Ness nodded weakly, and the three ran to find their companions.

***

Above them was the fifth floor, since they were on the fourth floor. Above the fifth floor was the roof, and above that was the sky. And since the sky is the limit, nothing goes above that. But let's go back down to the fifth floor, where things are not limited.

"This plot is getting old!" Samus Aran shouted as she fired a missile and blew up a giant spider. "I mean, how long can this damned plot go on? We kill spiders, then tell a joke. Spiders kill other spiders, then tell a joke. We kill those spiders, then tell more jokes. For crying out loud, I'm bored as hell, and I'm running low on missiles!"

The Ice Climbers nodded in agreement. "It's boring! Even _these_ jokes are boring!" Popo exclaimed.

"I want some plot here!" Young Link agreed. "More than just slashing and killing spiders!" he said as he slashed a spider in half with his sword, killing it.

"Also, the guts and blood stuff is really getting old!" Doctor Mario added.

Nana nodded, then crushed a nearby spider with her mallet, spilling its guts and blood all over the floor. "It's getting too gross!"

"I'll say!" added the good doctor, as he juggled a few spider eyeballs. He threw them at another spider, who ate them and choked to death.

Samus, bored out of her skull and even her helmet, fired another missile at another spider. When it blew up in a ball of energy, fire, blood and guts, Nana summed up the event, and all of the spider-involved chapters in one word:

"Eww."

Suddenly, the door opened, and Falco came running in! "Guys!" he exclaimed as he saw the five Smashers in front of him. "You wouldn't believe what one of those freaky spiders told me!"

"They talked to you?!" Samus shouted increduously.

"Yeah! This one with blue feathers told me all their evil, spider plans! The thing was freaky, about the size of a car and kept on calling me his clone father!" Falco then pulled out a notepad of his from his jacket pocket.

"Did you break the thing's legs to make it talk?" asked Doctor Mario.

"No, in fact!" Falco chuckled as he flipped through the pages to find his notes. "He told me everything after I shot his twelve bodyguards dead with my laser gun! Then I broke his legs when he finished."

Finding the page, he then said, "I summed it all up in one sentence. The spiders are planning to find the Stock Producer to give every spider infinite lives and to revive their fallen companions, then they will be invincible and rule the world, bua ha ha ha.' That's basically it."

The five Smashers then, much to Falco's surpirse, cheered loudly. "We have a plot!" exclaimed Young Link joyfully.

"No more of this crushing giant spiders and spilling blood and guts for humor!" laughed Doctor Mario. He then noticed a stray giant spider, picked up a nearby table, and chucked it at the giant spider, crushing it and spilling its blood and guts all over the floor.

"We must stop them, you fools!" shouted Falco. "Don't cheer them on!"

Just then, a humongous spider limped through the door behind Falco. It moaned in pain as it dragged its broken legs. "Damn bird," it moaned, the blue feathers on its face fluttering with every word it spoke. "Who would think that my clone father would be such a violent bird?!"

Samus noticed the freak, and said calmly, "Falco, would you mind stepping to the side?"

Falco looked behind him, looked back at Samus, nodded, and stepped to the side. Samus pointed her arm cannon at Falco Spider, and fired her last missile.

Falco Spider saw the approaching missile, and was only able to shout, "I REGRETT NOTHING!!" as his last words before dying in a explosion of fire and power, and his own blood, guts, broken legs and intestines.

Grinning a wicked grin, Falco cracked his knuckles and said, "Thanks, Samus. Now, shall we get going to the first floor and then to the basement before we are killed by those dreaded spiders?!"

"You bet!" Samus nodded, then they all left the room, leaving it stained with blood and guts.

***

Kirby and Pikachu had met on the third floor. They were now battling for their lives, with spiders swarming from both sides of the hallways.

"We're not going to live through this!" Pikachu told his friend as he blasted five spiders with a Thunderbolt, knocking them back.

"I know, but we'll go down fighting!" Kirby exclaimed. He swung his mallet at an approaching spider, knocking it away.

Suddenly, gun fire filled the air, and the spiders stopped to listen. Then about six of them had their ears blown off (as well as the rest of their face), as Mario came in with his hand-held machine gun, wearing shades.

AIIIEEE! some of the spiders shrieked. Mario's gone postal! RUN!! 

And so they did. Though twenty more spiders were blown to pieces by Mario's sharp-shooting. Pikachu and Kirby sighed in relief as the spiders left them alone.

"Mario!" Kirby approached him. "Thanks for saving us! And your Terminator get-up is really cool!"

"You're welcome!" the plumber replied, blowing the smoke away from his gun. "That was pretty enjoyable, if I do say so myself!"

Behind Mario were Luigi, Daisy and Jigglypuff. They all had scratches and cuts from the spiders, but looked fine otherwise. "We can't go on like this, Mario!" spoke up Luigi. "It's-a helpless!"

"That maybe-a true, but we must fight on!" Mario exclaimed, adjusting his sunglasses.

"Maybe it's just me," spoke up Jigglypuff, "but I wouldn't want to travel with a guy wearing shades and holding a machine gun in his hands."

"I can second that!" Daisy agreed.

Before any more words or agreements or really bad jokes could be said, Mewtwo then approached them. "Hey guys," it said. "Glad to see you're still alive!"

"The feeling's mutual," piped up Pikachu.

To make a long story very short, Mewtwo told then the spiders' evil plans.

"So they plan on being invincible and ruling the world, mua ha ha ha?" Jigglypuff repeated what Mewtwo had said.

"Yep. We had better split up and go down to the first floor. I prefer to work alone, so good-bye!" With that, Mewtwo teleported to the first floor.

"I wish I could do that!" Mario muttered.

"No, you don't," Luigi spoke up. "Terminaters travel through time and space naked."

"Well, I'm going with my friends here!" Jigglypuff exclaimed, standing next to her fellow Pokémon Pikachu and her fellow puffball Kirby.

"All right then! We must hurry!" With that, the two groups went their seperate ways.

***

Donkey Kong, who was on the second floor and holding the Samus Spider's helmet still, grinned at the giant spider in front of him. "DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!"

Oh-no! the spider moaned as Donkey Kong lifted his foot. Not that stupid joke again! If I hear it one more time, I'll die! 

SPLAT!!

***

Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu sat in the elevator, Pichu humming along with the elevator. "This musical score is not really all that terrible," Pichu said to his friend. "I actually quite enjoy it. I find it very relaxing to my shaken and stirred nerves."

"Ya got that right, dude!" Mr. Game & Watch agreed, then noted their floor. "But this elevator's really slow. I don't think we'll make it down to the first floor before the chapter's over!"

"But now the plot has settled and the race is on!" pointed out Pichu. "And ever though the chapter is over, I believe the audience may be satisfied now! The spider casulties are climbing high, all of our heroes are still alive, and things can only get more action-paced, gory and fun, fun, fun! So seeing that we leave the readers with one of the most intense cliffhangers ever, I think we may have assauged the pain that we have had been dealing out earlier with our plotless pile paragraphs with puns!"

THE CHAPTER-

"You forgot about us!" Marth exclaimed.

"Yeah!" agreed Link.

"We've been gyped," grumbled Roy.

They all shrugged and each sliced a giant spider in half.

"You forgot us, too!" Peach, Fox and Zelda exclaimed. Then they all shrugged and shot a spider dead each.

EWW. THE CHAPTER IS OVER.

__

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****

SSBM Characters

They're all here!

**Mr. Game & Watch** - Allied with Pichu. Dressed as Gimli. On first floor. Knows of plans.

**Pichu** - Allied with G&W. Dressed as Guybrush Threepwood. On first floor. Knows of plans.

**Peach** - Allied with Fox and Zelda. Dressed as Claire Redfield. On first floor.

**Daisy** - Allied with Mario and Luigi. On third floor. Knows of plans.

**Mario** - Allied with Daisy and Luigi. Dressed as Terminator. On third floor. Knows of plans.

**Luigi** - Allied with Daisy and Mario. On third floor. Knows of plans.

**Falco** - Allied with Ice Climbers, Samus, Dr. Mario and Young Link. On fifth floor. Knows of plans.

**Fox** - Allied with Peach and Zelda. Dressed as Chris Redfield. On first floor.

**Captain Falcon** - Allied with Ness and Yoshi. On fourth floor. Knows of plans.

**Link** - Allied with Marth and Roy. Dressed as Legolas. On second floor.

**Zelda** - Allied with Fox and Peach. Dressed as Jill Valentine. On first floor.

**Jigglypuff** - Allied with Pikachu and Kirby. On third floor. Knows of plans.

**Marth** - Allied with Roy and Link. On second floor.

**Roy** - Allied with Marth and Link. On second floor.

**Bowser** - Running in terror from creepy spiders. On first floor.

**Mewtwo** - On first floor. Knows of plans.

**Ganondorf** - Running in terror from creepy spiders. On third floor.

**Yoshi** - Allied with Captain Falcon and Ness. On fourth floor. Knows of plans.

**Ness** - Allied with Captain Falcon and Yoshi. On fourth floor. Knows of plans.

**Donkey Kong** - On second floor.

**Ice** **Climbers (Popo)** - Allied with Nana, Samus, Dr. Mario and Young Link. On fifth floor. Knows of plans.

**Ice** **Climbers (Nana)** - Allied with Popo, Samus, Dr. Mario and Young Link. On fifth floor. Knows of plans.

**Kirby** - Allied with Pikachu and Jigglypuff. On third floor. Knows of plans.

**Doctor** **Mario** - Allied with Ice Climbers, Samus, and Young Link. On fifth floor. Knows of plans.

**Young** **Link** - Allied with Samus, Dr. Mario and Ice Slimbers. On fifth floor. Knows of plans.

**Samus Aran** - Allied with Ice Climbers, Dr. Mario and Young Link. On fifth floor. Knows of plans.

**Pikachu** - Allied with Kirby and Jigglypuff. On third floor. Knows of plans.

**__**

Spider Characters

**Kirby Spider** - Blown to pieces, with its blood and guts all over the kitchen walls and floor!

**Donkey Kong Spider** - Blood oozing out from where his head should be.

**Marth Spider **- Sliced in half, blood and guts all over the floor.

**Samus Spider** - Blood flowing out from its where its misplaced cranium should be. Its helmeted head is right now being used by DK.

**Mr. Game & Watch Spider** - Cleaved in half by Mr. Game & Watch. Blood, guts and intestines spill all over the floor!

**Falco Spider** - Blown up by Samus's missile. Now just a bloody mess of guts and intestines.

**Yoshi Spider** - Eaten by Yoshi. Currently digesting and flowing through Yoshi's guts and intestines.

**Peach Spider** - Two left legs blown off by Peach/Claire's Magnum, looking for the Stock Producer. Blood is oozing from those open wounds.

**Mewtwo Spider** - Trying to find the Stock Producer.

**Bowser Spider** - Also trying to find the Stock Producer.

**Pikachu Spider** -Also also trying to find the Stock Producer.

**Other Spider Leaders** - We still have yet to see Pichu, Daisy, Mario and Luigi, Fox, Captain Falcon, Link and Zelda, Jigglypuff, Roy, Ganondorf, Ness, Popo and Nana, Doctor Mario, and Young Link. Now all of them and the five million spiders are swarming for the Stock Producer, and if they are able to use it for their plans, then they will become invincible and rule the world, bwa ha ha ha ha!

**Minor Spider Death Count**:

Slashed To Pieces - 52.

Gunned Down - 1.

Laser Gunned Down - 213.

Machine Gunned Down - 27.

Magnum Gunned Down - 2.

Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 12.

Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.

(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.

Had Foot Put Down On - 12.

Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 37.

Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.

Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 7.

Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.

Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.

Crushed By Angry Door (...Weird) - 2.

Axed - 2.

Arrowed - 8.

Crushed With A Potted Plant (...Really Weird) - 12

Eaten By Yoshi - 12

Eaten By Yoshi Spider - 3

Pounded By Captain Falcon's Moves - 9

SMAAAAAASHED By Ness's Bat - 7

Burned Alive By PK Fire - 1

Zapped By PK Thunder - 1

Blown Apart By PK Flash - 1

Blow Up By Samus Missile - 2

Crushed By Ice Climber Mallet - 1

Crushed With A Table - 1

Choked To Death On Food - 1

All In All - **449**...and that's for starters, for now the battle for the world is about to begin!


	8. Resident Spider: IQ Zero

Disclaimer - Sigh. I don't own SSBM, any characters or anything in it. I don't own Resident Evil, Lord of the Rings, Terminator, Muppets, Monkey Island, _Eight Legged Freaks_, or anything that is mentioned in this story that belongs to a company that could sue my socks, pants and hat off of me. But I do own my socks, pants and hat (for now).

***

Chapter 08: Resident Spider - I.Q. Zero

A large building that was made for Nintendo heroes: The Smashers' Mansion.

A large collection of spiders freaks attack the mansion: Big trouble.

The fact that even though it has been three chapters, and this is the fourth one, the spiders still aren't dead yet: Really big trouble.

There are still many unanswered questions about these seemingly brainless and yet intensely hungry spiders.

Though it is believed that there is a leader for this huge spider enterprise, little is known as to the origin of this faceless freaky thing.

When was it established?

By whom?

And why the hell are we copying the Resident Evil Zero opening?

To uncover the truth, we must delve deeper into the events which transpired in the beginning before the mansion incident.

***

The leader of all spiders was sitting in his living room, when he got an idea.

"I want to become invincible and rule the world."

And that's how it all started.

***

Ganondorf Spider walked towards his boss, his spider chain mail clinking loudly. "Boss?" he spoke up.

"I already knew you were here," muttered the leader of all the spiders, his back to him. "I heard you coming ten minutes ago. Get quieter armor after we become invincible and rule the world!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Now what is it? I'm a very busy spider!"

"Sir, we want to let you know that we've searched floors three through five thoroughly, and there is no trace of it there. The second and first floors are being searched now."

The leader of all the spiders rolled his many eyes. "You had our troops search the third, fourth and fifth floor for the Stock Producer?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Have you forgotten that we know for a fact that the Stock Producer is located in the basement?"

"...Well, it never hurts to check, sir!"

"Not true, Ganondorf Spider. I will personally hurt you for checking!" With that, the spider kicked back with one of his rear legs, catching Ganondorf Spider in the face.

"Ow!" best suited Ganondorf Spider's pain.

"Now have all our troops search the first floor only for the entrance!"

"Yes, sir!"

"And by the way, how many of the Smashers have been killed?"

"Errr...none, sir."

"WHAT?! ...Not even Captain Falcon?!"

"No, sir."

"That can't be a good sign."

"Shall I double our efforts, sir?"

"You'd better! And tell the troops to go after those Smashers and rip them to shreds! Especially the two who I want dead the most!"

"Yes, sir! I will do that four, sir!"

The leader spider was puzzled by that. "What the hell are you saying, Ganondorf Spider?"

"I am doubling my efforts! Now, 20/8, sir!"

As Ganondorf scurried away, the leader of all arachnids shouted, "And drop that stupid pun!"

"Two moments, sir!" Ganondorf Spider scurried back. "Now, what was you said beeight?"

Fuming, the leader of the spiders smacked the dimwit across the face. "Just go away, and get those Smashers!"

"At twice, sir!"

***

After much running, smashing, crushing and sub-atomic explosions that wasted a lot more than just the wallpaper, all of the Smashers met on the first floor. They were safe in a special room, a space not even a spider would dare entering.

"Thank goodness they made the men's room so large!" commented Marth. "Otherwise, we'd never all fit in here!"

"Donkey Kong squashed many spiders!" chimed the large, very happy monkey. "See?" he pointed to his feet, which were covered in spider blood.

"Thank goodness there are toilets here," moaned Nana. "For I'm going to puke at any minute!"

Zelda rubbed her back for comfort. "So, what do we do?" She looked around at the others.

"Well, let's plan something!" Mario suggested, looking at them all from behind his shades. "Does anyone have an idea?"

"Launch a mass assault! Kill them all and butcher their children! Drive stakes through their heads, and make them all dead! Slaughter every last one of them!"

"Thanks for the opinion, Peach. Anyone else?"

"I say we kill them all now, and then we dance on their graves! Have fun tormenting them by squashing them and pulling off their legs!"

"Okay, Young Link! Does anyone have any plans besides maiming them?" shouted Mario.

"How about taunting them?" Young Link suggested. "We'll make them so cross, they'll make mistakes?"

"Like what?" asked Mario, meaning the mistake part, but Young Link he meant the taunt part.

"Well, we'll say Spiderman couldn't even beat the Tick if he wanted too!"

"Yeah!" agreed Popo. "And that spiders aren't good enough to be considered insects!"

"And that their women have hairy legs!" laughed Luigi.

"How about that they make blind people cry?" suggested Daisy.

"Yeah! And Mario can pretend to be the blind guy!" said Jigglypuff.

"But he's not really blind!" pointed out Bowser.

"Maybe we should say they are as stupid as Bowser!" suggested Yoshi.

"People! Dis es getting us nowhere!" Mario exclaimed. "Think, people! What can we do?"

"Well, since we're in the bathroom...," said Ganondorf, "let's give em swirlies!"

"Let's give him a swirlie!" suggested Bowser, pointing at Ganondorf.

"Let's give both of you swirlies!" barked Samus.

"Enough with swirlies!" exclaimed Falco. "I don't think any of us want to grab one of those things, and then try to shove them in a toilet!"

"Why not?" asked Link. "It would be a more convincing death than some of the other spiders have suffered."

"Like being beaten to death with a frying pan!" said Roy.

"How about the door that got pissed off and killed a few spiders?" Doctor Mario reminded them.

"I still think my killing them with a potted plant was disturbing and stupid," admitted Mewtwo.

"How about the one that choked to death on spider eyeballs?" Popo reminded them.

"How about the ones that were eaten by Yoshi Spider?" Ness suggested.

"How about you all shut up?" Ganondorf snapped.

"How about YOU shut up?" exclaimed Pikachu.

"How about you both shut up?" shouted Mario.

"How about you all grow brains and know what the conversation is about?" boomed Mewtwo.

"What about how about?" Yoshi asked, who was getting rather confused.

"Why don't we all just go crush them?" shouted Peach.

"Why don't I eat them?" Kirby suggested.

"Why don't I eat you?" chuckled Bowser.

"Why don't I eat you?" Kirby snapped back.

"Why don't I eat both of you?" shouted Mario, then he added, "Err, actually, I don't want to do that."

"Let's just go and smash them!" Link cried.

"I don't want to go!" whimpered Ganondorf.

"I don't want to go either!" wailed Bowser.

"I don't want either of you to go either!" snapped Zelda.

"_E_ither or e_i_ther?" Yoshi asked out loud, now very puzzled.

"Let's open a can of whup-ass on them!" exclaimed Captain Falcon.

"Let's open a can of bitch-slap on them!" exclaimed Princess Peach.

"Let's open a can of Pepsi! I'm thirsty!" Link requested.

"I'm hungry!" wailed Bowser.

"I'm hungry _and_ thirsty," commented Daisy, "but you don't see me complaining!"

"Then what was that, a news flash?" argued Falco.

"A news flash would be the spiders being gone!" exclaimed Marth.

"A news flash would be all of you growing brains," muttered Mewtwo.

"News flash! DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" exclaimed you-know-who.

"News flash! You all suck!" exclaimed Ganondorf.

"You suck, dude!" Ness shouted.

"There's a news flash about a can of Pepsi being squashed?" cried Yoshi.

"I say, we get out of here!" Bowser exclaimed. "Women and children _last_!"

"How about no?" the Ice Climbers suggested.

"How about yes?" barked Ganondorf.

"How about we feed them the turtle and chain-mail boy?" suggested Samus.

"Yeah, feed them the Falcon-wannabe!" exclaimed Jigglypuff.

"Feed them the Mario wannabe!" shouted Bowser.

"Which one?" Ganondorf asked, and the two evil beings laughed.

"Feed them the two morons who thought that was funny!" exclaimed Falco.

"That's not a nice thing to do to the readers," pointed out Zelda.

"Feed them the Link wannabe!" Ganondorf cackled.

"Feed them the other Link wannabes!" Young Link shouted, pointing at Marth and Roy.

"Feed them the sword master wannabes!" exclaimed Roy, pointing at Link and Young Link.

"Feed them all the wannabes!" Mewtwo suggested.

"Wait, the wannabes are feeding the women and children last to the readers?" asked Yoshi, whose brain was throbbing.

"No! Better yet...," growled Bowser with a demonic grin. "Feed them the 2-D freak!"

"And feed them the nerdy, Pikachu-wannabe to go with it!" boomed Ganondorf.

Yet the two scapegoat sacrifices were nowhere in sight! The Smashers looked around the bathroom for them (except for in the toilets, of course), yet couldn't find them!

"Where are they?" roared Bowser.

"Oh, you mean Game & Watch and Pichu?" spoke up Fox, startling everyone because he hadn't said a word yet. "They left five minutes ago, saying that were tired of waiting for you guys to decide the obvious, and go destroy the spiders before they become invincible and rule the world!"

The other Smashers stood there in silence, as the obvious sank in.

"Wait, I got it!" exclaimed Yoshi. "Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu are going to sacrifice the women and children Pepsi cans to e_i_ther the spiders or the news flash, and it's _e_ither that, or the how-and-what-abouts die swirlie deaths from the two scapegoat wannabes!"

Fox raised an eyebrow. "That would be one way of putting it, Yoshi."

***

Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch slunk through the shadows, careful not to make a sound. That was impossible, however, for Mr. Game & Watch let out small beeps and clicks when he stepped.

"If you could retrench those continuous sounds from sounding off and then reverberating around the house, our chances of surviving this will aggrandize by a considerable amount."

"Sorry, can't do that, dude."

"It's an irrevocable trait?"

"No, it's just that I can't understand what the hell you're saying!"

Pichu sighed, then rolled his eyes. "Please stop beeping and clicking!"

"Oh, okay!" And so he did.

They then continued to slunk through the shadows, until Pichu heard spiders approaching. _Big_ spiders approaching! They pressed against the wall (not hard for Game & Watch), and watched as Ganondorf Spider approached the Daisy Spider at the end of the hallway.

"So, what's the plan?" Daisy Spider asked Ganondorf Spider, her yellow dress making Game & Watch and Pichu feel somewhat sick.

"Our boss wants us to double our efforts!" he replied. "I am already doing so, and my eighthead is covered with sweat! What shall we do, Miss Daisy Spider?"

"First off, stop telling that stupid pun. Next, get those special spiders to go after the smashers!"

"The special spiders?" he repeated.

"Yes, you fool! Get those special spiders! I want the poisonous ones, the jumping ones, the burrowing ones, and best of all, I want the really _large_ ones!"

"The _really_ large twos?"

"Oh, shut up. Just hurry, for the Smashers are not going to last long against those beauties!"

Pichu was now growing sweat on his eighthead. "Game & Watch, we must expunge the messenger from delivering the message to the spider authorities, or the Smashers will all perish in a great flood of vitriolic poison and murderous abominations!"

"_What?!_" hissed Game & Watch.

"GET THEM!" shouted the yellow Pokémon, and burst forth from the shadows towards the spiders.

Daisy Spider hissed, and shouted, "The Smashers! Quick, Ganondorf Spider, get those special spiders, and I'll keep them here! Hurry!"

"Nice knowing you!" exclaimed Ganondorf Spider as he ran off.

Daisy Spider was now brandishing a wicked frying pan with a spider logo on the bottom. She snickered at Pichu and Game & Watch. "Is that all the Smashers have to challenge us? A pirate Pichu and a 2-D man?"

Pichu looked down at his Guybrush outfit, and replied with, "I find this outfit to be very enjoyable and not in the least bit hackneyed."

"And besides," added Game & Watch. "We have more than just us on our team! We have the special effects department!"

Daisy Spider laughed mockingly. "And what could can that do?"

Game & Watch decided to show her. "Hey, I'd like a new costume here, guys!" he shouted to nobody at all. And then, through occult powers, he was suddenly a 2-D Swedish Chef!

"What the hell is this?" exclaimed Daisy Spider, but then Mr. Game & Watch burst into song.

"Nurdes bur, ba doooo-bedistadoo!" he walked up to a baffled Daisy Spider, and suddenly yanked her frying pan from her leg's hand! "Yepon berdee da doo...," he raised the frying pan, "BORK!" WHACK! "BORK!" WHACK! "BORK!" WHACK!

"Ooo, my head!" whined Daisy Spider, walking back.

"Tooday, we will be cuken a speeder delaght!" continued Game & Watch. "Ferst, you need a speeder of conseederable size! Like dees whun! Luk at dee beg, beg speeder!"

He then pulled a considerably large blender out from nowhere, a trait many Smashers seem to have. "Now, take yur speeder, an' poot et en dee blendar!"

Daisy Spider's eyes popped open in fear, and she tried to run, but Game & Watch grabbed ahold of her leg. "Let go!" she shouted. "Let go, I say!"

"Doo nut let dee speeder get away, or yull ave to geet a nu whun!" Game & Watch instructed a watching Pichu, who was nodding and taking notes.

"Now, we poot dee speeder en dee blendar!" Game & Watch shoved Daisy Spider, kicking and screaming, into the blender. "Poot de lid on, an' den, we set et to dee pulp setting!"

"No!" shrieked Daisy Spider from her blender. "I don't like pulp! Please use the-"

But it was lost, as Game & Watch pushed the button and started up the blending. Shrieks of pain and blades chopping up the freak spider and her dress were easily heard. "Egnore dee screems uf pain an' aguny from de speeder, fur et es just trying to treeck you entoo opening de blendar!"

"You'll...pay!" Daisy Spider's voice grew weaker and weaker as the blending continued. "I'll...see...to...auuuugh. Blub blub blub...,"

The cries stopped, and Game & Watch turned off the blender. Seven large spiders then approached him, eying him hungrily. "Now, I presen' to you," Game & Watch said to the spiders, grabbing the large blender. "Speeder Surpreese!"

With that, he opened the blender and splashed the gooey remains of Daisy Spider all of the seven giant spiders. The disgusting substance was so repulsive, that the spiders all gagged and died, their dead bodies covered in spider pulp.

"I must say, Mr. Game & Watch," Pichu patted the back of his friend. "You certainly make a mean meal!"

"Thenk you, mee gud friend!"

***

Unbeknownst to our heroes, the leader of all the spiders was watching them from the room where all of the images projected by the mansion's cameras is (so sue me, I don't know its name!). He had received the message from Ganondorf Spider, and was now watching the two Smashers make disgusting pulp out of the spider.

Noticing the that the two were now singing like the Swedish Chef, the leader of all the spiders scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"You are wasting your time. I have already claimed this place for myself, 

which means you are trespassing," he grinned evilly. "...And I am very territorial!"

As he laughed diabolically, he watched another camera of a room nearby. A wall was demolished by a huge creature, and its incredibly large, hairy legs crawled out slowly. With a low growl and then a hiss, it charged forward!

...And destroyed the camera in the process. The leader of the spiders fumed in frustration.

***

"So," started Game & Watch, his accent and costume gone now. "What do we do now? Go find the Stock Producer?"

"I would seriously consider that plan of action, and I...," Pichu began, but seeing Mr. Game & Watch shake his head, concluded his statement with, "...say yes."

"Okay then!"

So they started on their way to...

"Err...where should we go?" asked Mr. Game & Watch.

"We will go find the way to the Stock Producer!" Pichu told him.

"Oh, right!"

Marching on their way-

"Uh, where is it?" interrupted Mr. Game & Watch.

"I do not know the location, but we mustn't lose all hope from that fact! We must strive and find it!"

"I hear you, my friend!"

Determined and ready, the two set off-

"Hey, wait a minute!" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch. "If none of us know where it is, then why on earth did Mewtwo knew what it looked like last chapter?"

"Elementary, my dear Game & Watch. A plot hole!"

"A plot hole? In this excellent piece of Smash Brothers literature?"

****

Author's Note: Why, thank you, Game & Watch!

"Don't mention it, dude."

"I do believe, however, that the author wanted to include that for the sake of making another joke. Seeing that I am an erudite Pichu, and you are a mischievous Mr. Game & Watch who transforms into Gimli and the Swedish Chef, I would infer that this comedy story would allow another joke!"

"Can we just get to more spider crushing and save the world?"

"I would enjoy that tremendously! Let's go crush their arachnid bodies into more pulp!"

***

"I am NOT going out there!" Ganondorf exclaimed to the others.

Fox McCloud, Princess Daisy and Yoshi had already left the men's room, not only to stop the spiders, but to find and help their friends Mr. Game & Watch and Pichu from a gruesome, spider death. The others, even the toughest of them, were just too gripped with arachnaphobia and sickened by the gore to want to go out there again.

"We can't leave our friends out there!" exclaimed Zelda. "I'm just as afraid of everyone here...," she then noticed Bowser hiding in one of the stalls. "...Okay, maybe less afraid than others, but I don't want to stay here!"

"It's gonna be dangerous from here on in. Why don't we cooperate?" Ganondorf asked, smugness dripping from his voice; it's a good thing that it wasn't real, or Jigglypuff would be drenched in smugness.

"Cooperate? With you?" scoffed Zelda.

"Listen, little girl, if you haven't noticed there's some pretty freaked out spiders in this mansion. And I, for one, wanna get out of here. I don't think we stand a chance of stopping them. Much less, _you_ stopping them."

Zelda bristled. "You expect me to listen to you? The King of Thieves who once kidnapped me? I don't need your help; I can handle this on my own! And don't call me little girl!"

Ganondorf was now overflowing with smugness as he flip a small strand of her hair with his gloved finger and chuckled. "All right, Miss Do-It-Yourself. What should I call you?"

"He's kidnapped her, fought against her and vowed to get revenge on her," grumbled Link, "and he _still_ doesn't know her name?"

"The name is Zelda, but that's Princess Zelda to you!" snapped Zelda, swatting Ganondorf's hand away.

"Well then, princess'," mocked Ganondorf, leaning against one of the stalls. "Why don't you go and try, while I wait here?"

"Okay!" With that, Zelda left the bathroom.

Ganondorf blinked, then grinned. "Wow, I didn't even have to double-dare her!"

"Zelda, wait!" Peach ran after her. "I'm going with you!" Running out of the bathroom, she cocked her Magnum.

Ness shook his head. "How ironic," he said. "We're spoofing Resident Evil Zero, yet those girls are Jill and Claire, and neither of them are in Zero!"

"Who gets to be Rebecca?" Pikachu asked the others.

"I'm not like Rebecca," muttered Samus.

"I don't look like Rebecca!" admitted Jigglypuff.

"Rebecca is twice my age and height!" replied Nana.

"Can I be Billy?" asked Bowser, peering out from his stall.

"No!" the others snapped, and the Koopa King sulked back in.

"Can I be Billy, then?" asked Donkey Kong.

"Hell, no!" replied Link. "I get to be Billy!"

"If anyone's a tough man here, it's me!" shouted Ganondorf. "I get to be Billy!"

"No, I do!" exclaimed Marth.

"None of you are worthy!" cried Roy. "I shall be Billy!"

A five-way brawl between the five erupted, and the others watched. Captain Falcon shook his head in disgust. "All this fighting over someone named Billy. That's it, I'm out of here!"

He walked to the door, when two sets of footsteps followed him. "I'm going with you, honey!" exclaimed Samus.

"And I am too!" replied Luigi, who had already asked the special effects to change him into Billy. He cocked his shotgun and nodded.

"Okay then!" Captain Falcon grinned and nodded, then the three left the bathroom. "Peach, Zelda!" he called. "We're coming too!"

***

To make a very long, very boring story very short, they all left the bathroom after much persuasion ("Get out there, or I'll bash your brains into pulp!"). They all wound up together in one hallway.

"Wowee!" exclaimed Ness, who was coated in spider blood. "Those special balloon spiders rally do explode when ya whack em with a bat!"

"That's nothing!" snickered Falco, twirling his laser gun on his finger. "Suicidal spiders explode when I shoot them, and with a chain reaction, I blew an entire squad to pieces with one shot!"

"Well, we shot dead many spiders!" Peach, also coated in spider gunk, noted, gesturing to her partner, Zelda.

"And those will make great deleted scenes when the DVD comes out!" noted Mr. Game & Watch. "Now, let's hurry!"

The twenty-seven Smashers ran down the hallway, which opened up to a very large and open living room. Mr. Game & Watch's eyes would've bulged if he had them.

"STOP!!" he shouted, trying to hold the others back with his 2-D arms.

"What? What is is? Are we there yet?" exclaimed the others. Pichu was the first to ask a different question.

"Is there any specific reason you called a halt to our grand army of Smashers after it took us so long to all become an allied, fighting force?"

"Yeah, dude," Mr. Game & Watch pointed into the room. "Notice anything about that completely empty living room?"

"Err, no spiders?" guessed Ness.

"Yes, and that is what disturbs me!" pointed out the 2-D man. "If I am correct, I believe that the burrowing spiders have settled a nest here!" Whipping a pair of 2-D binoculars out in true from nowhere fashion, he scanned the room. "Yep, there are twenty-six burrow spider dens in that room! It's a living deathtrap!"

"Only twenty-six?" asked Link. "There's twenty-seven of us."

"Must've forgotten Daisy," remarked Mr. Game & Watch. "I also see the Item Storage room on the other side. As the smallest, thinnest and most handsome of us all, I'll just sneak past these underground freaks, grab a Metal Box and a Beam Sword...," then he put on his Swedish Chef accent. "an' I'll make sum Filayed Speeders fur twentee-seven!"

"Are you sure, my friend?" asked Pichu. "That is quite a perilous feat, and if they hear you-"

"That's why I need all of you shut up for this to work!" hissed the 2-D man, then he started to move into the room.

Gracefully, he stretched his body and placed one foot down on the floor in the living room. Then he pulled the rest of his body into the room. The others watched in fearful tension as he tiptoed across the room. Very slowly, dead quiet, 2-D drops of sweat ran down both sides of his 2-D face as he watched closely for any sign of movement. He looked at the cracks in the floor, signifying a burrowing spider's lair. Trying not to whimper, he tiptoed past them. He was at the middle of the room, and then...

"BOOGEY BOOGEY BOOGEY!!!" roared Bowser as loud as he could; his hatred for Mr. Game & Watch plus his stupidity made him do it.

Jumping ten feet into the air from surprise, Mr. Game & Watch landed with a scream. Then the ground erupted, and twenty-six butt-ugly spiders shot out from their holes, legs ready to snatch their prey.

"I don't wanna die!" wailed Mr. Game & Watch. "Mommy! Mommy! I love you, Pichu! AAAAAH!!"

Yet the spiders were vicious. Almost like flashes, they pounced on their prey, snared it and dragged it back into their den. Then, with much shrieking and wailing, the burrowing spiders ripped their catch alive, ate fresh guts and drank blood, then kicked the carcass to the back of their burrows. They then prided themselves on catching such a good meal.

Luckily, it wasn't Mr. Game & Watch.

The 2-D man stood there, holding up his hands and pleading for mercy. "No, spare me! I'm nothing but a 2-D slice of paper! You'll find me malnutritions and icky-yucky-sicky! I'll give you gas! I'll give you diarrhea! I'll give you another reason why not to eat me! I'll...I...oh."

Mr. Game & Watch then realized that the burrow spiders had snagged _themselves_ when they leapt out! Each burrowing spider had grabbed one of their kin when bursting out, then, too stupid to notice that they had caught a giant spider instead of a 2-D man, feasted on the burrowing spider.

The guts and blood part should have been proof enough for you, for what makes you think Mr. Game & Watch has any?

"Well, that turn of events was very fortunate!" Pichu pointed out, then looked behind him. "Have you succeeded in teaching him not to yell when our companion is crossing enemy lines?"

About twenty of the Smashers had found it upon themselves to teach Bowser a lesson for shouting like that. Bowser then shouted a different way: in pain, as twenty Smashers beat him up.

"Yes, we have!" Fox informed him.

"Mommy, I don't wanna die!" whimpered Bowser.

Suddenly, Mr. Game & Watch's nonexisting eyes lit up, so nothing really lit up, but if he did have eyes, they would have lit up! Also, if he had eyes, he would be rolling them now after hearing that stupid sentence. Wiping out his bell, he rang it as loud as he could!

"Cume an' geet yur delishoush Meester Game an' Watch!" he exclaimed. The remaining thirteen spiders burst out again, snaring each other once again. The one who didn't get one sulked back into his burrow, as the victorious spiders ate the loser spiders.

Now there were eight burrowing spiders. Mr. Game & Watch blew on a 2-D noisemaker, and they burst out again. Only four went back to their graves. Mr. Game & Watch donned a one-man band outfit, and started playing as loud as he could. Four spiders leapt out as Mr. Game & Watch beat the drums, and two were eaten alive as he finished up with the harmonica. Taking the outfit off, he tied it to a firecracker, launched it off with his torch, and it exploded with tremendous noise and color. Two burrowing spiders leapt out, and one was caught, dragged, and eaten alive.

Mr. Game & Watch wiped the 2-D sweat from his 2-D forehead, then said, "Well, coast is clear! Let's go, everybody!"

In saying those words, the final burrowing spider leapt out and grabbed him! Dragging him back to his burrow, Mr. Game & Watch clung onto the edge. He noted, "Okay, one left. Damn math errors!" before he was yanked in!

"NOOOO! My dear friend!" exclaimed Pichu, running into the room. The others followed, but before any of them could reach the hole, a loud shriek from the spider was heard.

"So, ya wanna eat me, huh?" shouted Mr. Game & Watch from inside the hole. "Well then, ya gotta eat all the things I have on my person! Take this 2-D bottle of cod liver oil!"

The Smashers then heard Game & Watch shoving a bottle into the spider's mouth, followed by much gagging from the spider.

"Now try on my 2-D cacti!" Another object was forced down the spider's throat, and he wasn't enjoying this particularly.

"Now eat my 2-D chain saw!" They all heard the motor of a chain saw start up, and then it was forced down the spider's throat. The Smashers above moaned at the thought of having to eat a working chain saw.

"And now to spice things up, have a 2-D salt shaker!" The Smashers above cried out and shuddered as the spider was forced to eat that too.

"An' fur dee final topping, I presen' you wid a eviction contract!" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch. A piece of paper could be heard whipping out. "I now own this burrow, so get out of my home!"

Suddenly, the mangled carcass of the burrowing spider was thrown out of the hole! It landed on top of Bowser's head, dripping blood, cod liver oil, motor oil, salt and cacti needles from the wounds ripped open from its stomach.

Mr. Game & Watch then walked out of the hole. "On second thought, I don't want it. Really crummy decorated!"

As Pichu hugged his friend in relief, Bowser screamed and wailed as he tore the spider carcass off of him.

***

The Weapon Closet became a great improvement for the heroes. Each was armed or armored with the new items, ranging from the Bob-omb to the Party Ball. Actually, the one with the Party Ball wasn't too happy about it.

"Oooof! Ugggh...hey, could someone help me out here?" strained a muffled Pikachu under the heavy ball.

"Donkey Kong help you!" With one hand, the giant ape picked up the Party Ball, with Pikachu still holding onto it. The little mouse dangled in the air as DK walked on as if the Party Ball didn't weigh him down at all (because it didn't).

"So, what do we do when we get there?" asked Fox McCloud, holding a Ray Gun in one hand and his laser gun in the other.

"HowthehellwouldIknowIamnnotthebrainsofthisparty!" babbled Link, who was wearing a Bunny Hood.

"I think we should just go in and blast them all!" exclaimed Peach, still holding her Magnum. "Shoot them all!"

"We hear you already!" muttered Zelda, who still held her gun.

"..." replied Mario, who had taken the Metal Box, was now much more Terminator-like than ever.

Soon, they came to a stairway that led down to the basement (Yes, we are quite tired of having to write all these details in the plot, so we are just skipping to the point)! Yet before any of them went down there, Pichu motioned to a window that looked down into the basement.

The windows, as Pichu had learned, were soundproof and only they could see the spiders, not the other way around. The basement's main room was like an antechamber, with ten doors lead to other pathways. The main chamber was painted a royal blue and had plush-looking light blue carpet, and it was decorated with couches and coffee tables that were cleverly designed to look like the future's goods, but they really weren't.

The Smashers really didn't give a damn about any of that right now, for the spiders were scurrying through that room like no tomorrow. _That_ was worth giving a damn.

"Wooo, boy," muttered Yoshi, gripping his Beam Sword tight. He was also dressed as a Jedi Knight, due to the special effects. "How are we going to get in there? There's so many!"

"Why don't you use the Force, idiot?" muttered Bowser. He clutched a Bob-omb in his claw, as he looked down at the room.

Mr. Game & Watch, gripping his Home Run Bat, shrugged. "Well, we could go in blazing. We've been lucky as of yet!"

"I nominate you to lead!" chuckled Bowser.

"I nominate you to shut the hell up!" the 2-D man snapped back. "All you've done ever since these spiders have attacked is whine, hide, run and insult those who try to do something! On top of that, you tried to kill me!"

"I see nothing wrong with that!" Ganondorf added, and the two kings roared with laughter.

Mr. Game & Watch was turning red with anger on both sides, and 2-D steam came from his head. In his frustration, he smashed an innocent coffee table to pieces with his bat. "I've so had it!" he shouted. "I mean, it was bad enough when you guys tried to kick me out-"

"Game & Watch," spoke up Pichu. "Maybe we should save the personal-"

"...and now you just don't care about saving our lives and our necks!" continued Mr. Game & Watch. "Why? Because you're too damn selfish to care about anyone but yourselves, and you don't have any guts! Or intestines, for the matter!"

"Maybe we should save this for later and create a plan?" Fox asked him. He looked at the others for support. Ganondorf was giving an irate Game & Watch the finger, Bowser was giving the 2-D man the claw, Pikachu was desperately trying to free his hand from the Party Ball, and Yoshi was making faces at the spiders.

"I'm so pissed off, I could explode!" ranted Game & Watch. "I haven't been this angry and frustrated since I rented _Y Tú Mama Tambien_, and I got the stupid edited version!"

"Game & Watch, we need to plan out something!" Ness told him, but Game & Watch kept babbling on and on, his anger getting the best of him.

"I mean, all the reviews claim the movie had such meaning, and it made you think!" shouted Mr. Game & Watch. "But I didn't see any, except that I should stay away from teenaged boys!"

"Nyah nyah!" taunted Yoshi. "You morons couldn't find your way out of a fish bowl!"

Pichu shook his head, then looked at the others. "Okay, everyone. We shall take the spiders down there by storm! And after that, we will separate into ten groups, and hurry down the pathways! We must find the Stock Producer before they do, and if they have, before they can use it!"

"...Oh, who am I kidding?" cried Mr. Game & Watch. "The real reason I rented that movie was for the sex scenes! People kept on saying how heavy and real they looked, and I don't buy all the over hyped sex scenes of today's films! I want some action! I'm single, and I don't mind admitting that sex is appealing to me! If it isn't at my age, then there's something wrong with me that I'm not aware of!"

"You spiders are so ugly, you make blind people cry! Ha ha!"

"So, I propose that the ten groups will be like this:

"Mr. Game & Watch and I. We work well, and with his strength and bat, and my intelligence, we'll do nicely on our own."

"But then the damn movie I rented was edited! They cut out practically all of the sex scenes! How dare those freaking editors! Just because they can't get some action doesn't mean they have to take it out on the viewers! I don't pay money to see naked boys, I want to see naked women!"

"You're all so stupid, you could get locked in a supermarket and starve to death!"

"The Mario people can go down the second path. This means Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy and the doctor, but not Yoshi and DK. They'll be Team Three, and will be a fighting force of the most powerful muscles there are!"

"I mean, I watched a few clips of the movie on the internet, like the beginning! Nice sex scenes right from the start, but were they in the movie?! NOOO! They cut one out entirely, and edited one down to nothing! Why the hell did they think I rented the movie, for the plot?! If I wanted a plot, I would buy real estate!"

"And you're all so ugly, you can't go to ugly contests, for they don't take professionals!"

"Team Four will be Zelda and Link, the Triforce Team. I also think that the two dorks, meaning Bowser and Ganondorf, will go down the fifth way, for they won't get along with anyone else."

"Throughout the whole stinking movie, they edited sex scenes down to nothing! The only action those stupid boys got was their sex talk! In fact, that's the only action I got too! And if I want sex talk, I'd go on the stupid internet! They even edited the language! With all those stupid American films with the worst words every five seconds, they had to change the language for this one?!"

"You're so dumb, you think quarterbacks are refunds!"

"Team Six, I will suggest, will be the other Pokémon. I also think Falcon and Aran should be the seventh team, for both being heavy hitting bounty hunters, they'd even cream the Fetts, so spiders aren't going to be much threat to them!"

"So basically, what I rented was a subtitled movie with practically no sex, and a message I don't understand! And if that isn't bad enough, you guys aren't going to let me rent the unedited version, because you saw the first one, and you think that was too much sex for me! Who made Zelda and Link MY parents!? Who made Mewtwo MY guardian?! Just because you guys can't take sex on the screen doesn't mean I can't!"

"And you're so fat, your shadow weights fifty pounds!"

"Team Eight will be the Emblem guys, for I know they'll do okay! The two Star Fox men will be Team Nine, and the final team will be the remaining troops. That would mean the Ice Climbers, Young Link, Kirby and Ness. Are you all ready?"

"Next time, I'm renting the unedited version, and I'm going to fast-foward to the sex scenes only! I really don't care about the plot, I want action! Those editors and whoever decided for the stupid edits can rot in Hell with those spiders! We can see heads being blown off, aliens mauling people, swearing from start to finish, alcohol and drugs and puking, but sex?" Mr. Game & Watch then developed a mocking tone. "Oh-no, we can't have _that_ being in a movie! Nudity? Noooo, they can't allow that either! It's wrong for children to see that, even though they only show those in R-rated movies, so we must protect our children by taking out nudity and sex in R-rated movies, even though they shouldn't be seeing R-rated movies in the first place! ...Who invented these rules?! Someone brain dead, I'll bet!"

"And your mother!" exclaimed Yoshi, enjoying this very much. "She's like a doorknob! Everybody gets a turn!"

The spiders' senses tingled madly, informing them that someone, somewhere had insulted _their mother_! They bursted towards the stairway that led up to the first floor in a flood!

"Nice going, Yoshi!" shouted Bowser. "You've doomed us all! It's all your fault!"

That snapped it for Mr. Game & Watch. With a mighty swing, he smashed Bowser away with his Home Run Bat! The turtle king screamed as he was launched forward, and landed on the first two spiders that came out from the top of the stairway, squashing them into gooey messes on his chest. The rest of the spiders swarmed towards the other Smashers, ignoring Bowser and climbing over him.

"At last, we will reveal ourselves to the spiders!" exclaimed Yoshi, pulling his hood down and raising his light sab...err, Beam Sword. "At last, we will have action!"

"Action!?" exclaimed Mr. Game & Watch. "I never got any from that darn movie, and I'm taking it out on these freaks!"

Peach cocked her gun and grinned wickedly. "Sa-weeeet!" she chimed. "Time to shoot some more spiders dead!"

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!" Donkey Kong exclaimed, lifting the Party Ball (with a nervous Pikachu still holding on to it) and the Samus Spider's helmet threateningly.

"But alas," Pichu concluded sadly, swinging his sword aimlessly, "it is the end of the chapter. Yes, no one likes the sudden end of this suddenly-meaningful story, but we must desist here! Fortunately, we are brave and ready, and nobody is going anywhere until the next chapter, so do not fret, readers! You will not be missing anything! Until then, good-bye!"

THE CHAPTER IS OVER, AS YOU CAN EASILY SEE.

__

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****

SSBM Characters

Now you basically know everyone is okay, where they are, and such and such. So we'll just sum up everything by if they have a costume and what it is, what weapon they're holding, and what they're thinking right now!

****

King Koopa Bowser - Holding Bob-omb.

"I sure do want my mommy right now!"

**Princess Peach Toadstool** - Dressed as Claire Redfield. Using Magnum.

"This is fun!"

**Princess Daisy** **Margarita** - Using her frying pan.

"...I've got nothing. Check again later."

**Mario Mario** - Dressed as Terminator. Using Submachine gun, and is Metal Box transformed.

"..."

**Donkey Kong** - Holding Party Ball and Spider Samus Helmet.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!"

**Ice** **Climbers (Popo)** - Using his mallet.

"All right! More blood and gore!"

**Ice** **Climbers (Nana)** - Using her mallet.

"Aw, man! More blood and gore!"

**Luigi Mario** - Dressed as Billy Coen. Using Shotgun.

*cocks Shotgun* "Better have some Green and Blue Herbs ready!"

**Link** - Dressed as Legolas. Using his sword, wearing Bunny Hood.

"I'mreadyI'mreadyletmeatthem!"

**Jigglypuff** - Using Parasol.

"I'm guessing now would be a wrong time to start singing?"

**Roy** - Using his fiery sword and Fire Flower.

"Ah, the fires of battle!"

**Doctor** **Mario Mario **- Holding Green Shell.

"The doctor is in!"

**Mewtwo** - Holding Pokéball.

"I still can't believe these spiders aren't dead yet."

**Ganondorf Dragmire** - Using Paper Fan.

"I was tricked into this weapon! Honest!

**Kirby** - Using Star Rod.

"I'm hungry! Yoshi told me spiders taste like chicken! Hmmm, chicken..."

**Young** **Link** - Using his sword, and holding Land Mine.

"At least no one's died yet! Then again, I wouldn't mind if Ganondorf kicked the bucket."

**Falco Lombardi** - Using Super Scope 6.

"Bring it on, you bunch of eight-legged freaks!"

**Marth** - Using his sword and a Freezie.

"And just when I thought things couldn't get more warped..."

**Pikachu** - Holding onto the Party Ball.

"Can someone help me get off this thing?"

**Samus Aran** - We can't tell, for we can't see her!

"I'm using the Cloaking Device, you morons!"

**Zelda Gaiden** - Dressed as Jill Valentine. Using gun.

"Sometimes I wonder if the humor is this story is actually that great."

**Ness** - Using Mr. Saturn.

"Ditto to what Zelda said!"

Mr. Saturn - "BOING! Me agree!"

**Captain Falcon** - Using his gun.

"Hey, I haven't died yet! How convenient!"

**Yoshi** - Dressed as Jedi Knight. Using Beam Sword.

"May the Force be with us!"

**Fox McCloud** - Dressed as Chris Redfield. Using Ray Gun and laser gun.

"I'm not getting paid enough for this."

**Pichu** - Dressed as Guybrush Threepwood. Using Mighty Pirate Scimitar.

"I do believe I already said my piece."

**Mr. Game & Watch** - Using Home Run Bat.

"When I rent movies with sex, I want movies with sex! Just because no one included me in an NC-17 story doesn't mean I ain't interested! Got that?! I hate censorship!"

**__**

Spider Characters

**Kirby Spider** - Exploded into a ball of ***CENSORED*** by a handy Rocket Launcher.

**Donkey Kong Spider** - His head was ***CENSORED*** and he's dead now.

**Marth Spider **- Lost a duel of ***CENSORED*** and is now ***CENSORED***.

**Samus Spider** - Donkey Kong ***CENSORED*** the mutant spider's ***CENSORED***, and is now using it as ***CENSORED***.

**Mr. Game & Watch Spider** - ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED*** ***CENSORED***.

**Falco Spider** - Taken out with one of ***CENSORED*** missiles.

**Yoshi Spider** - Eaten by ***CENSORED***.

**Daisy Spider** - Shoved into a ***CENSORED*** blender and turned into ***CENSORED*** pulp.

**Peach Spider** - Leading the spiders troops to the Stock Producer.

**Mewtwo Spider** - ***CENSORED*** the spider troops to the ***CENSORED*** Producer.

**Bowser Spider** - Also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.

**Pikachu Spider** -Also also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.

**Ganondorf Spider** - Also also also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.

**Other Spider Leaders** - We still have yet to see Pichu, Mario and Luigi, Fox, Captain Falcon, Link and Zelda, Jigglypuff, Roy, Ness, Popo and Nana, Doctor Mario, and Young Link. Something tells me that we'll see them all in the next chapter of this spider mayhem, and who that ***CENSORED*** boss spider is...

**Minor Spider Death Count Recorded**:

Slashed To Pieces - 52.

Gunned Down - 1.

Laser Gunned Down - 213.

Machine Gunned Down - 27.

Magnum Gunned Down - 2.

Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 12.

Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.

(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.

Had Foot Put Down On - 12.

Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 37.

Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.

Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 7.

Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.

Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.

Crushed By Angry Door (...Weird) - 2.

Axed - 2.

Arrowed - 8.

Crushed With A Potted Plant (...Really Weird) - 12

Eaten By Yoshi - 12

Eaten By Yoshi Spider - 3

Pounded By Captain Falcon's Moves - 9

SMAAAAAASHED By Ness's Bat - 7

Burned Alive By PK Fire - 1

Zapped By PK Thunder - 1

Blown Apart By PK Flash - 1

Blow Up By Samus Missile - 2

Crushed By Ice Climber Mallet - 1

Crushed With A Table - 1

Choked To Death On Food - 1

Melted By Pulp Remains of Daisy Spider (...Very Weird) - 7

Eaten By Fellow Spiders - 25

Mutilated By Game & Watch Gadgets - 1

Squashed Under Bowser - 2

All In All - **482**! Which is ***CENSORED*** and ***CENSORED***, don't you think?


	9. What A Tangled Web We Shoot To Pieces

Disclaimer - I'll give you a cookie if you can guess what I don't own. If you guessed anything at all, you get that cookie! I don't own Mario, Zelda, Pokémon, Game & Watch, F-Zero, Metroid, Kirby, Ice Climbers, Fire Emblem, Shakespeare, or a certain celebrity whom I relentlessly insult in this chapter. AND I DON'T REGRET IT! BUA HA HA HAAAAAA!!

Anyway, back to the spider-crushing fun. This'll be the last chapter on spiders; the next is something I want to do very much ever since I saw the millions of Survivor SSBMs of You know those 30 second cartoons where they make an amusing 30-second rendition of a movie or book? Well, take that into mind, combine it with the Survivor stories, and you'll get the next hairline-thin plot of mine!

Chapter 09 - What A Tangled Web We Shoot To Pieces

And so the bloody battle between Smashers and spiders starts suddenly and significantly speedily!

The Peach Spider, with her remaining six, marched up the stairs and pointed at the Smashers. Although the spiders were all rushing at the Smashers with no sign of mercy or regret, she felt compelled to give orders. "Kill the humans!" she exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" spoke up Samus, glaring angrily through her helmet visor.

The spiders all stopped, now confused and needing new orders.

Peach Spider rolled her many eyes, then added, "And the half-men-half-aliens too!"

The spiders burst forward!

"Are you racist or what?" barked Falco.

The spiders stopped again.

"And the half-men-half-animals!"

The spiders sprinted towards them! Donkey Kong cleared his throat loudly, and the spiders halted again, grumbling and muttering angrily syllables.

"And the monkeys!"

The spiders lunged forward!

"What about us, huh?" exclaimed Young Link.

The spiders stopped running, murmuring insults and becoming very disgruntled.

"All right!" shouted Peach Spider, getting very frustrated. "Kill the elves too!"

the spiders exclaimed as they skittered towards their prey!

"Excuse me!" declared Pichu, and the spiders stopped and groaned loudly.

"And the Pokémon too!"

The spiders, now certain that was the last delay, swarmed to the Smashers in furious-

"What about me?" declared an upset Kirby.

wailed the spiders as they stopped yet again. One spider was so bored, it attacked another spider, killed it, but choked to death when eating the dead spider's eyes.

"Kill the round, pink ones too!" Peach Spider sputtered, getting frustrated to the point of explosion.

The spiders ran forward, eager to engage in combat!

"Errr..., excuse me?" Bowser, who was still lying on the floor in the middle of the spider swarm, raised his hand meekly. The spiders halted and complained more. "I just think that you should remember that I'm a-"

"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!" Peach Spider roared. "Kill them _ALL_!!"

The spiders were _very_ pleased to hear that; even the Smashers were! The two forces collided in a fury of legs, lashings, hair, hellfire, bodies, blood, steel, skin, weapons and wizardry!

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" Donkey Kong exploded, stomping a spider.

"SA-WEEEET!!" With a shot that wasn't aimed at all, Peach wasted another spider.

"Here we go!" Luigi aimed his shotgun, and blew two spiders apart, several others getting hit by the splash.

Now it was a total free-for-all of spider fangs and gunshot bangs! The spiders were on all sides, charging and leaping and making a big fuss over nothing! The spiders attacked relentlessly, only to meet gruesome and very silly deaths.

"YOU FIGHT LIKE A COW!" Pichu exclaimed as he carved a spider to pieces.

"DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!" roared DK, smashing another one to a bloody pulp with the Party Ball (which Pikachu was still stuck too).

"Errr... die! Yes, die!" Ganondorf shouted as he swatted a giant spider with his Paper Fan. The spider was not very impressed.

Mewtwo released the Pokéball it was holding, letting out a Goldeen! The spiders saw the flopping Pokémon, screamed and ran in terror; it's a rarely-known fact that spiders are deathly afraid of sushi.

Yet the Smashers, even with their great numbers, were being overwhelmed! They were being pressed into a small circle, with the spiders advancing on them. Spiders died from bullets, lasers, smashings, cleavings, bludgeons, and stomp ons, but it was not enough!

"There are too many!" exclaimed a nervous Zelda.

"We need more firepower!" replied Popo.

"What we really need is Bowser!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, swatting a nearby spider away from him. "Bowser, come on!"

But Bowser just laid down near the top of the stairs, whimpering and holding his Bob-omb close to him. He could care less about the spiders swarming down the hallway to his fellow Smashers, or the giant, pink dress-wearing spider laughing at him nearby. He just didn't want to get hurt!

"No, do it yourself!" he wailed. "Leave me alone!"

Pichu rolled his little eyes in frustration. "We, the people fighting, will need to conjure up a resolution to the obstacle known as Bowser's complete and utter consternation!" Suddenly, those little eyes lit up! "Hey, Bowser boy! These spiders are gossiping that your body mass is equivalent to a blue whale's!"

Bowser dared a peek in Pichu's direction, sniffed and blubbered, "Wha... what does that mean?"

"He said that the spiders think you're fat!" shouted Mr. Game & Watch.

"**WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?**" roared Bowser, springing to his feet so hard the the ground shook. Everyone, the humans, aliens, Lylatians, monkeys, lizards, spiders, mutant spiders, Pokémon, elves, marshmellows, and 2-D beings jumped in fear and looked over at Bowser in terror.

"**THEY CALLED ME _FAT_?!**" he roared again. An unlucky spider next to him was crushed with a major stomp. "**HOW _DARE_ THEY!!!**" Another spider was turned into pulp! With a snarl and a quick fling of his arm, Bowser threw the Bob-omb in the middle of the hallway (which was filled with spiders). The Bob-omb exploded, blowing apart and/or incinerating twenty spiders! With another mighty roar, Bowser came tearing in!

the spiders shrieked.

And Bowser certainly did equal the amount of destruction Godzilla could do! The spiders, their only way out past Bowser, were picked off one by one with any attack Bowser conjured up. He breathed fire, six went down in flames; he slashed out with his claws, three were shredded; he jumped in the air and came crashing down, three were squashed; he told one it was fat, and it died of depression; he grabbed one and ate it, it was broken down by his digestive fluids; he puked from the taste of spiders, and the puke killed another spider.

The Smashers also pick off many spiders, and when the survivors ran down the stairs and away from the Smashers, only Peach Spider remained. Bowser glared at her with utter hatred and not-so-nice feelings.

"Hey, I don't think you're fat!" protested Peach Spider. She squirmed in fear when he grinned evilly at her.

"Peach Spider, eh?" he chuckled sinisterly. "Ya know, I've been trying to kidnap Peach for years, and Mario's always foiled me! I don't think he'll both me now!"

"Yes, he would!" shouted Peach Spider. "Mario Spider, help me!"

Suddenly, the red-capped Mario Spider ran up the stairs and headbutted Bowser out of the way. "It's-a me, Mario Spider!" exclaimed Mario Spider, with a Italian accent.

"My hero!" cooed Peach Spider, hugging him.

"This is making me nauseous," grumbled Game & Watch.

Suddenly, a shadow loomed over Peach Spider and Mario Spider. The two spider freaks looked up to see a very much irate Bowser glaring down at them, steam pouring from his nostrils and drool dripping from his nose. ... Oh, wait, that is snot. (And yes, I know some of you will snot find that funny, but you're going to have to live with it; you've just got too, you know, don't be snotty.)

"Grrrr...," were Bowser's wise words. Picking up the Mario Spider and the Peach Spider, he smashed them together with all his might. They burst like slime-filled balloons, splattering Bowser with spider blood. He grinned wickedly from the sludge, and added, "Now that is a much cooler version of Romeo and Juliet, is it not?"

Mr. Game & Watch was trying very hard not to vomit. "Sure thing," he gagged. "Just do not redo _Hamlet_ for us, okay?"

"All right, then!" exclaimed Pichu, swinging his scimitar around dangerously. "Let us then go forth and expunge these vile spiders from our dearly beloved home! We shall not fear, we shall not tremble, we shall NOT scream like sissy schoolgirls," he said, eying Bowser and Ganondorf, "and most of all, we shall prevail! ONWARD, MY FELLOW SMASHERS, AND KICK SOME SPIDER ASS!"

**To make a long story short, they did that.**

Captain Falcon's uniform was stained terribly with blood. Next to him stood Samus Aran, who had so much spider sludge on her that her armor's warning system was telling her to scrub immediately. Falcon took a deep breath, the smell of spider organs thick in the air.

"That was a long story, wasn't it, Samus?" Falcon said, grinning slightly.

"Yes, and I never would've found out how much I love you during that long story if it hadn't been for that exploding beach ball and the fifteen pairs of tweezers."

"Don't forget the spider who yodeled Neil Diamond songs when we approached him!" chuckled Falcon.

"How could I forget?" laughed Samus.

Mario and Luigi ran by, and the green plumber was wielding a bloodstained rubber chicken. "Hurry up, you guys!" Luigi shouted anxiously. "We have to stop the spiders before they get to the Stock Producer and doom us all!"

"Fine by me," replied Falcon. "The spiders that try to kill us by singing opera are really getting annoying. I don't know how many of those we had to kill!"

Mewtwo groaned in pain as it took several, agonizing breathes of air. Blood leaked out from its body, and stained its once beautifully sleak fur. Sweat coated its forehead, and its eyes were glowing a dim yellow. It glared at its evil clone spider; Mewtwo Spider was grinning in triumph. Mewtwo hissed angrily as a line of blood streamed down its face.

"Damn your cell phone," Mewtwo groaned as it pulled itself upright. "It took all of my powers and energy just to destroy the blasted thing!"

"Well, you don't get to gloat!" laughed Mewtwo Spider. "When you finally did destroy it, it had given you all those wonderful wounds!" It laughed again. "Now I kill you with ease!"

Mewtwo strained, admitting defeat as the monster charged at it. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Mewtwo saw what could save its life. Something that was powerful; something it was experienced in fighting with; something that was incredibly cheesy.

A potted plant.

Using its psychic powers, Mewtwo brought the potted plant to its hands, and used it as a club against the Mewtwo Spider. Now the Mewtwo Spider howled in pain as its own blood stained its body. The tables had turned, and Mewtwo was filled rage and revenge.

By the time Mewtwo had used the rest of its strength, the Mewtwo Spider looked more like road kill than a giant, psychic spider beaten to death with a potted plant. Mewtwo slumped to the floor, its eyes closing slowly.

Doctor Mario, who was wearing a witch doctor's headdress and carrying a Doctor Mario Spider voodoo doll, ran into the room. "Mama mia!" he exclaimed, running to Mewtwo's side. "I-a take one day off of being a normal doctor, and look what-a happens! Stay focused, Mewtwo! I will-a nurse you back to health!"

Just then, Doctor Mario Spider charged in. "Ah, my father clone!" it hissed. "Just what the doctor ordered!"

Doctor Mario acted fast. He picked up one of the fangs from the gory mess previously known as Mewtwo Spider, and drove it into the Doctor Mario Spider voodoo doll. The evil doctor spider wailed in pain as two large holes appeared on his back and belly. Dr. Mario twisted the fang around, and Doctor Mario Spider exploded in a violent mess.

Mewtwo blinked its eyes, and said before it fainted, "Ooo eee, ooo la la, ting tang whala ahla bing bang...,"

Roy stood over his evil spider clone, holding his blade to its face. The Roy Spider's legs had been trimmed too closely, so it could not run. The red-haired combatant scowled at it, until Roy Spider could not take it anymore.

"FINE! FINE! I'M SORRY I PUT WEB ALL OVER YOUR COMPUTER!!"

"That is not enough, foul spider. Do you not know how much disgusting stuff is on that web on my computer?"

"But dude, I need that web. Chicks really dig the web, especially the stuff you consider disgusting!"

"Not true! At least, the women I would like to date have no interest in that kind of filth!"

"Look, if the web bothers you, I'll get rid of the sticky parts-"

"No! I want you to suffer for what you have done! That web has caught over five hundred bugs."

"You can't blame me for all that bondage! I didn't put it there!"

Roy was no longer interested, however. With extreme prejudice, he slashed Roy Spider in half. "Serves you right, you web-dweller."

Pichu and Mr. Game & Watch were in the Stock Producer room. The room was something out of a sci-fi film, with blue glowing sides, a shaft that was fifteen stories down, glowing lights that did nothing but make the place look fancy, and a giant glowing cylinder in the middle. The giant glowing cylinder was reachable by five narrow platforms, and in front of it was a high-tech computer that also had glowing lights that served no purpose.

"Wow!" exclaimed Pichu. "What an incredible amount of flickering lights and beams and technology! I would thoroughly love to study the principals of this arcane place, especially since it all seems to have no general purpose except to look fancy!"

"Yep," agreed G&W. "Sure is."

Then they heard a sound. A sound like a great many footfalls and inhuman shrieks heading that way. G&W and Pichu watched in horror as a bagpipe marching band walked past them.

"Was that supposed to make any sense?" Game & Watch asked his friend.

"In the sense of catching the reader off guard to tell another lousy joke, yes it was."

"Lousy joke?! Not another one!! I'm so sick of those!"

The two turned to see Pichu Spider at the doorway, hundreds of spiders right behind him. "At last!" he bellowed. "The Stock Producer! With it, we shall become invincible and rule the world! MUA HA HA HAAAAA!"

"You mean YOU'RE the leader of the spiders?! Pichu Spider?" G&W shouted incredulously.

"Of course! Who did you think it was going to be clone of? Jigglypuff? Ridiculous!"

Spiders were standing at each of the five entrances, ready to charge the given word. Leading at Number One were the Ice Climber Spiders. Taking the head at Number Dos was Link Spider and Zelda Spider. Captain to the eight-legged troops at Number 12 was Jigglypuff Spider (miffed by Pichu Spider's remark) and Pikachu Spider. Captain Falcon Spider and Fox Spider were at the front Number 6-2, and Ness Spider and Young Link Spider were leading the thousands of spiders at Number 5.

"PREPARE TO DIE, FOOLISH NON-SPIDER MORTALS!" roared Pichu Spider.

"Not so fast!" Mr. Game & Watch shouted back. "You force me to use a weapon so hideous, so terrible that it makes me shudder just thinking about it!"

"Ha, don't make me laugh!" Pichu Spider laughed.

A spider tapped him on his sixth leg. "Uh boss? Usually when they say things like that in comedy stories, they pull out something bizarre and kill all of their opponents with it?"

"Stupid minion!" Pichu Spider crushed the lowly spider's head with one stomp. "What could be wicked and sick enough to kill spiders?"

"THIS!" Mr. Game & Watch then whipped out a photo of Michael Moore.

It was horrible, so shocking that those spiders closer to him exploded and/or melted. The terror caused thousands of the arachnids to die shuddering, heart-stopping deaths, hundreds more drowned in their own vomit and fearful tears. The Ice Climber Spiders took their mallets and crushed themselves to end their misery. Link Spider committed hari-kari with a spider sword, and Zelda Spider smashed her own head in. Jigglypuff Spider popped like a person who's eaten one too many firecrackers, and Pikachu Spider tore his eyes out, bleeding to death shortly afterwards since he had so many eyes. Captain Falcon Spider melted away, oh what a world. Fox Spider tore his own organs out to prevent the overwhelming pain from torturing him. Ness Spider hung himself with his spider yo-yo, and Young Link Spider shot himself with his spider bow.

Pichu Spider blinked his many eyes. "Wow. I never knew he was that revolting. In fact, that was cool! Do it again!"

The real Pichu chuckled as Mr. Game & Watch shredded the evil photo of the disgusting man, before the effects of seeing him reversed and drove G&W to suicide. "Well now, the chaotic evil version of myself seems to have survived the onslaught of the overblown documentary maker. Strange but I guess maniacs with neurotic theories cannot harm each other."

"Yur damn right about that!" shouted Pichu Spider, then realized what he just said. "Errr... I mean, whatever! You two still have to kill me, for you have not won until every Special Spider is dead! And once I plug the Stock Producer into the heart of spiders everywhere, we will have infinite lives and conquer the world!"

Mr. Game & Watch elbowed Pichu. "Not a bad speech, but nowhere near as good as Martin Luther's 'I Have a Dream'."

"Silence! I shall kill you now, and even if I don't succeed in fully eliminating you, the last remaining Special Spider will!"

"Who's that?" G&W asked.

Suddenly, Luigi Spider came running into the room right behind Pichu Spider, his eight legs scurrying frantically.

"I'm late!" shouted Luigi Spider. "By the drow elves, I'm late! Pichu Spider is gonna kill me! I'll have to-OOOOF!!"

The clumsy plumber spider ran directly into the boss of all giant spiders, knocking the Pichu-like spider off of the platform. Hurtling downwards due to Earth's gravity, Pichu Spider saw the ground coming up at him unfriendly-like.

"Oh shit, not again!" Pichu Spider shrieked.

One loud SPLAT! later, he was a sticky smear all over the floor below. Hundreds of feet up, Pichu, Mr. Game & Watch and Luigi Spider exchanged glances.

Luigi Spider summed up the situation best with two little words, "Uh, oops."

**Author's Note** - For those of you English majors out there, I know 'Uh' is not a word. But give me a break, I'm not an English major. If I were, don't you think I'd be writing novels instead of fan fiction?

Or maybe I DO have an English major, and I prefer to write fan fiction! SO stick in your smoke and pipe it, you bunch of pompous, snooty bastards!

... Uh, anyway, back to the story.

Pichu cleared his throat loudly to bring the attention to himself. "Now, if I may finish this..."

"Go right ahead!" offered Mr. Game & Watch.

Pichu then, using the zero-space that all video game characters have in which they store their millions of items, pulled out a hand-held missile launcher. "To quote generally nobody," he said as he pointed it at Luigi Spider, "I GOT YUR WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION RIGHT HERE, CHEESE BOY!!"

As he launched the uranium-tipped missile at Luigi Spider, the green-capped spider let out the last words for all giant spider-kind:

"I WANT MY MOMMY!!"

**_Kaaa... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! SPLATTER!! ICKY._**

"Well then," said Mr. Game & Watch, as all of the Smashers sat in the living room comfortably, "that was good and fun, and I think we all learned something from it."

Mario - "I-a learned that submachine guns are-a more fun to use than capes and flowers!"

Dr. Mario - "I-a learned that running-a jokes are still funny de 102th time around!"

Luigi - "I-a learned that Italian accents can-a sound really-a cheesy!"

Peach - "I learned that I am tougher than Bowser!"

Bowser - "I learned that Shakespeare should be reenacted by spiders!"

Ganondorf - "I learned that you pitiful idiots can do nothing without my help!"

Link - "I learned that Ganondorf never learns!"

Zelda - "I learned that I would be an excellent character in the next Resident Evil game!"

Ice Climbers - "We learned that it is really easy to speak in unison!"

Fox - "I learned that the author has one sick, sick imagination!"

Falco - "I learned that being an extra can mean I can live but get barely any space time!"

Pikachu - "I learned that spiders are as stupid as Windows computer users!"

Roy - "I learned that I'm better looking than Marth!"

Marth - "I learned that I'm better looking than Roy!"

Yoshi - "I learned that spiders are good to eat!"

Kirby - "I learned that watching Yoshi eat spiders make me sick!"

Captain Falcon - "I learned that even I can survive fan fiction stories!"

Daisy - "I learned that I can join up with you guys and still be forgotten altogether!"

Bowser Spider and Ganondorf Spider - "We learned that it is good to stay in hiding until the end of the story!"

Bowser and Ganondorf - "AIIIIIIIEEE! SPIDERS!" Run out of room like little school girls, only squealing much more.

Samus - "I learned it is fun to blow the shit out of giant spiders!" Aims arm cannon and blows up the two spiders with missiles.

Jigglypuff - "I learned to never say 'How could this get any worse?'"

Mewtwo - "I learned that this fan fiction is stupid, badly-written, and the author was just trying to end the spider situation as quickly as possible, just so he can get back to things like finding clips of the sex scenes in movies!"

Ness - "I learned that Mewtwo says the dumbest things!"

Young Link - I learned that no matter what, weird things will always happen or be said."

Pichu - "My process down the road of education has made me come to the conclusion that the author has just switched the writing style of the story from the natural way to screenplay version, and why he has done this is beyond the longest stretch of my imagination and the deepest recesses of the my mental power."

Mewtwo - "You were just trying to make yours longer than mine, weren't you?"

Donkey Kong - "DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!!!"

Mr. Game & Watch nodded and smiled to all this. He leaned back in his comfy chair and sighed happily. "Well, it is time to relax, unless you are the cleaning people; boy, do they have a job ahead for them!"

"My sympathies to each and every one of those poor souls," Pichu agreed. "They are going to have to scrub, rinse, scrape and wash every splattered spider off of the walls, floors, and in some cases, the ceilings."

"Let us hope that nothing like this ever happens again!" Mr. Game & Watch exclaimed, and the others all nodded in agreement.

There was a moment of silence.

"I'm bored." Mr. Game & Watch factually stated.

"I regret to inform you that my current status for fun and glee is quite minimal, and the situation is not as cheery and active as I would like for it be!" Pichu agreed with this 2-D friend.

Mr. Game & Watch raised his head slightly, causing an electronic beep. "You never say anything short, do you?"

"There is no point in me saying anything short, for I need to tell you exactly how I feel-"

"Pichu! Just say 'no'!"

"... No."

"Okay then! We're getting somewhere!"

Pichu nodded back, his floppy ears and loose goggles bouncing with every movement of his noggin. "I really would like for there to be something to do in this bleak state of depression and slowness!"

A knock could be heard from the front door. Mr. Game & Watch regretfully pulled himself out of his comfortable chair and went to answer it. "Wonder who it can be?" he asked himself.

When he opened the door, there was an enormous scorpion right in front of him! Wearing a Mario-style cap, he had his pincers and stinger raised, as if prepared for combat. Behind him were millions of enlarged scorpions, and some Special Scorpions that were dressed like the Smashers.

"We've-a come to conquer the world!" roared Mario Scorpion. "We-a will take the Stock Producer and make the race of giant scorpions invisible-a! Bow down before us, foolish mortals!"

The large scorpions behind him hissed, clacked, and cheered in agreement. Mr. Game & Watch sighed deeply.

"This is gonna be one fugging long day," he said.

**THE END!**

****

TOTAL COUNT!!

**__**

Spider Characters

**Kirby Spider** - Blown up by Rocket Launcher. Icky.

**Donkey Kong Spider** - Head torn off. Extra icky.

**Marth Spider **- Sliced into icky pieces.

**Samus Spider** - Head torn off in an icky way.

**Mr. Game & Watch Spider** - Cleaved into two icky halves.

**Falco Spider** - Blown up by a missile. Very icky.

**Yoshi Spider** - Eaten alive. Icky but delicious.

**Daisy Spider** - Shoved into blender and blended into icky pulp.

**Mario and Peach Spider** - Crushed together by Bowser, who thought it was cool and not icky.

**Mewtwo Spider** - Beaten to death by potted plant. More weird than icky.

**Doctor Mario Spider** - Died from voodoo doll. Even more weird AND icky!

**Roy Spider** - Sworded by Roy. Icky icky.

**Bowser Spider** - Also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.

**Pikachu Spider** - Also also leading the spider troops to the Stock Producer.

**Captain Falcon, Link, Zelda, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Nana, Popo, Young Link, and Ness Spider** - Saw Michael Moore and died; the ickiest death of them all.

**Pichu Spider** - Plummeted to his icky death.

**Luigi Spider** - Shot by a weapon of mass destruction. Awesome but icky.

**Bowser and Ganondorf Spider** - Thought hiding until the end would save them but Samus ickily blew them away.

**Fox Spider** - Did a better job at hiding but should not have picked the dumpster. The cleaning people dumped not only the remains of all the spiders but all of the scorpions once the Smashers were done with them into the dumpster. He was crushed to death, which just added to the amount of dead bodies.

... Oh, and it was icky.

**Minor Spider Death Count Recorded**:

Slashed To Pieces - 56.

Gunned Down - 1.

Laser Gunned Down - 213.

Machine Gunned Down - 27.

Magnum Gunned Down - 3.

Assault Shotgun Gunned Down - 14.

Captain Falcon's Gun Gunned Down - 2.

(REALLY) Bad Food Gun Down The Hatch - 16.

Had Foot Put Down On - 13.

Flamed To The Point Of Incineration - 43.

Frying Panned But Not Burned - 2.

Donkey Kong Squashed Spider - 9.

Flung And Splattered On The Wall - 2.

Crushed With Samus Helmet - 1.

Crushed By Angry Door - 2.

Axed - 2.

Arrowed - 8.

Crushed With A Potted Plant - 12

Eaten By Yoshi - 12.

Eaten By Yoshi Spider - 3.

Eaten By Bowser - 1.

Regurgitated on by Bowser - 1.Pounded By Captain Falcon's Moves - 9.

SMAAAAAASHED By Ness's Bat - 7.

Burned Alive By PK Fire - 1.

Zapped By PK Thunder - 1.

Blown Apart By PK Flash - 1.

Blow Up By Samus Missile - 2.

Crushed By Ice Climber Mallet - 1.

Crushed With A Table - 1.

Choked To Death On Food - 2.

Melted By Pulp Remains of Daisy Spider - 7.

Eaten By Fellow Spiders - 26.

Mutilated By Game & Watch Gadgets - 1.

Squashed Under Bowser - 5.

Died of Depression - 1.

Off-Screen Deaths - Countless.

All In All - **COUNTLESS**!! Or, for a more exact, countable number, **506**!

**Author's Note** - I humbly apologize to all Michael Moore fans out there. ... NOT!

Pichu - "I would like to point out now the chapter is over, and the only point of sticking around to the very, very, very end right now is to hear me ramble. But do not let long and pointless speech keep you hear! Go on the internet and find clips of sex scenes from famous movies! Go on, I will not cease and desist you from watching the wonders of reproduction on the big screen!"

Mewtwo - "My God, you're all sick!"

Pichu - "Hey, dork! I get to close up the chapters, not you!"


	10. Smash Survivor Part 1

Author's Note - Now we get to the Survivor spoofs. This is to add onto the ever-growing collection Survivor stories there are on , most of which seem to be in SSBM.  
Disclaimer - I do not any characters from SSBM, 8 Bit Theater, Red VS. Blue, or anything else mentioned in this story besides myself (ComedyMagmar).  
  
---  
  
Chapter 10 - Smash Survivor Part 1  
  
Welcome to the Survivor All-Stars episode! The participants today are going to be the SSBM members in a competition to see who wins $1,000,000! Let's meet the guests before we begin the game. They have been divided into two teams of 13, and have been named and So we have called the first part of this season: Red VS. Blue. Now we... AAAAAH!!  
  
Sarge - Why you bunch of copyright infringement dirtbags! Your evil trickery is worse than those blue devils! I'll kill tha' lot of you and hang your heads over my bed, so when the blood drips down on me, I will be fully remind you of the pain I caused you!  
Simmons - You go, sir! Show those bastards!  
Caboose - But I like this fan fiction... it makes me giggle like I did in middle school!  
  
Err... anyway, here are the members for each team, and their enthusiastic, eager replies:

**RED TEAM**

1.) Pichu Kerzapper - From Pokémon.  
By the big holy ruler above us all, yet another spin-off of the island-based reality TV show? When will the around-the-clock parade of Survivor parodies discontinue?!  
  
2.) King Koopa Bowser - From Mario Brothers.  
Woo-hoo! I'm gonna win this, and then I'll win the Big Brother version, and then The Bachelorette, and then American Idol-  
  
3.) Link Masters - From Legend of Zelda.  
Remind me again why we have to do this? I already make a darn-good living! 1 million dollars is how much I tip my waitresses!  
  
4.) Samus Aran - From Metroid  
Get this girly-armored pervert away from me! Donut, is it? Back off before I fry you, jackass!  
  
5.) Mewtwo Shadows - From Pokémon.  
Someday I will conquer the world and rule you foolish mortals. When I do, kiss your reality TV good-bye!  
  
6.) Princess Peach Toadstool - From Mario Brothers.  
You're putting me on the same team as Bowser?! Mario, help me?  
  
7.) Mario Mario - From Mario Brothers.  
I'm-a coming, Peachy! (The sounds of a brutal fight between a giant turtle and a plumber break out.)  
  
8.) Kirby Stars - From Kirby.  
I'm hungry. Can I eat the island? I'm bored. Think I'll go to sleep.  
  
9.) Nana Snowball - From Ice Climbers.  
Aw man, this sucks! I bet my brother hates it too.  
  
10.) Falco Lombardi - From Star Fox.  
Oh sure! Put me in another story to be an extra, ComedyMagmar? Why don't you just kill me now and get it over with, you drama king-wannabe?!  
  
11.) Ness Rockin - From Earthbound.  
Another reality TV show? I haven't been this disappointed since Earthbound 64 was canceled.  
  
12.) Donkey Kong - From Donkey Kong (and Mario Brothers).  
DONKEY KONG SQUASH SPIDER!! ... What, no more spiders left? Aw, curses. Oh well; I'll blame your game, you rogue.  
  
13.) Prince Roy Blazin - From Fire Emblem.  
Ok, what the hell? No seriously, what the hell?! I wasn't even in the Fire Emblem game, and you think you can make up for it by putting me in SURVIVOR?! Get my freakin' agent on the phone!

**BLUE TEAM**

1.) Luigi Mario - From Mario Brothers.  
I-a do not want to do this! First-a mansion, then an island! What did I do to deserve this?  
  
2.) Popo Snowball - From Ice Climbers.  
Alright man, this rules! I bet my sister loves it too!  
  
3.) Fox McCloud - From Star Fox.  
Oh, I am SO not getting paid enough for this!  
  
4.) Pikachu Ketchum - From Pokémon.  
Can I go home now?  
  
5.) Jigglypuff Lullaby - From Pokémon.  
I'd rather be on American Idol! Simon Cowell would love me!  
  
6.) Prince Marth Altaria - From Fire Emblem.  
Some fresh air and peace would be great! ... So why the hell did I agree to a reality TV show?  
  
7.) Captain Hawkins Falcon - From F-Zero.  
Just who are these armor clad freaks? What are they saying, that we copied them? Sure, just like Microsoft copied Nintendo in the video game world! Payback's a bitch, ain't it boys?  
  
8.) Princess Zelda Gaiden - From Legend of Zelda.  
I don't see why everyone else thinks it's so bad for them; I have to do this in high heels and a dress!  
  
9.) Princess Daisy Margarita - From Mario Brothers.  
I'll kill each and every one of my opponents, and then claim Immunity for myself! HA HA HAAAA!! ... No, not really, but I always wanted to say that.  
  
10.) King Ganondorf Dragmire - From Legend of Zelda.  
Some day I will kill you all. Even the readers. And no, I am not joking; you all deserve to die for reading crap like this.  
  
11.) Yoshi the Dinosaur - From Mario Brothers.  
Wheeeeee! Yoshi love tropical islands! Yoshi eat everything, including the other contestants!  
  
12.) Young Link Masters - From Legend of Zelda.  
You know, I'm getting really nervous from the replies of the other contestants! Are you sure I have to do this?!  
  
13.) Mr. Game & Watch - From Game & Watch.  
Let's just get this fugging this over with, you bunch of idea-desperate show producers! I'm just glad you didn't put us on The Swan!  
  
And with the wonderful Dr. Mario Mario as our excited host, let us begin our show!

**DAY 01 - RED TEAM**

Bowser - You suck, Pichu!  
Pichu - Your mental capacity could not hold a drop of information, Bowser!  
Link - Shut up and help us with the tent!  
Peach - I'm rich and royal and snotty now!  
Mario - You were never like that!  
Peach - Well, I decided to be just for the Survivor games!  
DK - Ah, the classic stereotyping. Errr, I mean, duhhhhhh...  
Roy - This is going to be a long day.  
Samus - SHUT THE (&! UP!  
Kirby - NO, YOU SHUT THE &%#) UP!  
Mewtwo - You will all die and burn in the flaming pits of hell!  
Nana - No! I'm too young!  
Falco - Don't kill me! I'm too good-looking to die!  
Gryph - You copied us again!  
Ness - Aw, just screw off, you bunch of... Halo characters!  
Pichu - Man, I bet you the Blues don't have to put up with this shit.

**DAY 01 - BLUE TEAM**

Ganondorf - You suck, Game & Watch!  
Mr. Game & Watch - No, you suck, Ganondork!  
Pikachu - SHUT THE $&)$ UP!  
Daisy - NO, YOU SHUT THE &#$)#& UP!  
Pikachu - I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A &#$)#& IS!!  
Marth - I HAVE NO CLUE AS TO WHAT WE'RE SHOUTING ABOUT, BUT I'M HAVING FUN DOING IT!!  
Zelda - I don't wanna be a stereotype too! Just look at Falcon!  
C. Falcon - Duh, I'm stupid! That obviously means I'm gay! Yuk yuk yuk!  
Yoshi - Homophobic bastards.  
Y. Link - ARE WE STILL YELLING OR WHAT!?  
Jigglypuff - Can I sing a song on yelling?  
Luigi - (Drop-kicks Jigglypuff.) NO, YOU CAN'T!  
Jigglypuff - LOOKS LIKE I'M BLASTING OFF!! (_Ting_.)  
Popo - YAARRRRRRG!! This is fun!  
Fox - Oh, my head. I've already got a headache, and it's the first day.  
G&W - Think they'll let us vote ourselves off?

**DAY 01 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - Whoever guesses the number I'm-a thinking wins.  
Peach -   
Dr. Mario - That's-a right!  
G&W -   
C. Falcon - Aw man, I had 1938975236784364333? Man, I am so stupid, I must be gay!  
Yoshi - STOP THE HOMOSEXUAL BASHING ALREADY!!  
Popo - OH COOL, ARE WE YELLING AGAIN?  
Blue Team - We vote off Jigglypuff, because if we don't, she'll draw on our faces.  
Jigglypuff - And I would too! BUA HA HA HAAAAA!  
Luigi - How'd you get back on the island? I kicked you off!  
Jigglypuff - Errr... I don't know.  
Luigi - Guess I'll have to do it again. (_KICK!_)  
Jigglypuff - LOOKS LIKE I'M BLASTING OFF AGAIN!! (_Ting_.)  
G&W - Well, that was fun.  
Pichu - You do realize that there are more days on the island than this one?  
G&W -   
Popo - YAY, WE'RE SHOUTING AGAIN!!

**DAY 02 - BLUE TEAM**

G&W - Well, things without Jigglypuff make life seem less circular and pink.  
Pikachu - And less Picasso art on my face.  
Popo - CAN WE YELL AGAIN?  
Others -   
Popo -   
Yoshi - Ah, you are very compliant. Thank you.  
Popo - I don't want to be voted off.  
Ganondorf - I'LL KILL YOU ALL, AND RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES WITH A RUSTY SCREWDRIVER!  
C. Falcon - Duh, I'm still homosexual just because people don't like me!  
Popo - Then again, maybe I do want to leave.

**DAY 02 - RED TEAM**

Pichu - I am telling you, Freddy Kreuger has much more mental power, creativity, problem-solving skills, and powers beyond those of mere mortals! He could easily defeat his opponent with relative ease!  
Kirby - I'm still going for Jason Voorhees.  
Ness - I thought the movie already proved who won.  
Nana - Yeah, it was kind of lame. The winner was-  
Bowser - Hey, don't spoil it! I haven't seen it yet!  
Falco - What's the point? All slasher films go the same way! Murderer kills teenagers just because they do one thing that an extremist does not like, like have blond hair, and they get gutted. In the end, only the girl with the smallest breasts survives!  
Roy - The story of my life.  
DK - Are you guys done talking? I'm hungry.  
Mewtwo - You're always hungry.  
Mario - SHUT THE &#))(& UP!  
Mewtwo - NO, YOU SHUT THE #(&%&$) UP, FOOLISH MORTAL!  
Peach - Oh God, here we go again.  
Samus - Rats, I forgot the password for this suit again. I'm gonna smell by the end of this show.

**DAY 02 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - I-a will flip a coin. Heads, Red wins. Tails, Blue wins. (_Flips coin_.) Tails! Blue wins!  
C. Falcon - YES! We are the champions! We are the champions!  
G&W - This is the shallowest victory ever.  
Red Team - We vote off Mewtwo, otherwise he will conquer the world and rule over us foolish mortals.  
Mewtwo - What makes you think I can't do it when off the island?!  
Red Team - ... Oh shit.  
Pikachu - Can I go home now?

**DAY 03 - RED TEAM**

Link - Wow, without Mewtwo around, I feel so much safer that the world won't be taking over and us foolish mortals be ruled over with an iron fist.  
Falco - He never said he would rule the world with an iron fist.  
Roy - Yeah, Mewtwo doesn't like gloves.  
Peach - I think it said that it would rule the world with a di-cay-tor-ship'!  
Pichu - That would be a dictatorship, and that would make sense. If Mewtwo were to originate a democracy, he'd only domineer the world for approximately four years.  
Ness - I only understood half of those words.  
Samus - I'm bored.  
DK - I bet I'm more bored than you!  
Kirby - Yeah? Well I'm so bored you could make a cabinet out of me!  
Bowser - You could enter a ship illegally with me!  
Mario - I'm-a so bored I could-a play X-Box games!  
Others - (_Collective gasp._)  
Mario - Just-a kidding.  
Others - (_Relieved sigh_.)  
Nana - Don't scare us like that, Mario!

**DAY 03 - BLUE TEAM**

Fox - Exactly why do we have to wait for the Red Team to stop talking in order for us to chat?  
C. Falcon - You got me. I think it has something to do with the readers and their attention spans.  
Zelda - Hey, I thought you were stupid.  
C. Falcon - Oh! Uh... yuk yuk! Duuuuuh...  
Y. Link - Good one, Zelda.  
Pikachu - Seriously, I've had enough with stereotyping!  
Popo - You've had enough of it? I am treated like some nine year-old kid who dresses like a flipping eskimo!  
Luigi - Isn't that what you-a are, Popo?  
Daisy - And why do you, Luigi, and your brother have such thick Italian accents when you're from Japan?  
Luigi - Would you believe we are-a foreign exchange students?  
Yoshi -   
Marth - Can I speak now, before we go to Immunity?  
Ganondorf - No, we must end the day now!  
G&W - Too late! Got my line in!

**DAY 03 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - For this next Immunity Challenge, I will-a have an contestant from both-a teams enter a bikini mud-wrestling competition! Zelda from the Blue Team, and-a Peach from the Red Team. Ready, start!  
Pichu - This would not be your typical Immunity Challenge, would it?  
Dr. Mario - No, but you gotta admit, it-a is-a fun to watch-a!  
Peach and Zelda - OHHHH! MMM!! AAAAH! AAAUGH!  
Roy - Woah! I'm getting aroused from simple exclamations that have no real meaning!  
Yoshi - I wonder if this is on cable.  
Falco - That means someone's recording it! YES! YES!  
Link - Get her, Zelda! Beat her up!  
Ness - Link, Peach is on our team!  
Link - What? Oh yeah. Whoops.  
Dr. Mario - And the winner is Zelda!  
Peach and Zelda - (_Drenched in mud, panting heavily, chests heaving, and sweaty._)  
Roy - Wow! Now I'm getting aroused by simple words in italics!  
G&W - This is disturbingly starting to turn into a lemon.  
Red Team - We vote off Nana, because we can't think of anyone else to! Plus, she doesn't like being on the show!  
Nana - Thanks, guys! I love you all! Bye!  
Popo - Bye, sister! (_Nana leaves_.) Heh heh! Sucker.  
Dr. Mario - Now let's have a second round! Daisy, Samus, wanna join in?  
G&W - You know, I take back anything bad I said about this contest!

**DAY 04 - BLUE TEAM**

Zelda - Do you know how hard it is to get mud out of your hair?  
Daisy - Not really. Being a brunette has advantages, you know.  
Yoshi - That was rather sexist of them to show women in a bikini mud-wrestling contest! They'd never ask men to do that!  
Luigi - Don't say that! You'll give me mental pictures!  
Marth - Turns you on, doesn't it, Captain Falcon?  
C. Falcon - Don't make me hurt you.  
Ganondorf - Hah! Like you could hurt anyone!  
C. Falcon - On second thought, I'll hurt you! (_Lunges at Ganondorf_.)  
Y. Link - Now here's a male fight I'll watch!  
Popo - Woah, I didn't know a human being could survive having their lips pulled over their head!  
Zelda - This makes up for the sexism yesterday.  
Fox - _Should I tell Zelda that she means more to me than just a hot elf in a mud-wrestling competition? No, better save that for a serious fan fiction._  
G&W - Fox, quit thinking to yourself! Grab a chair and enjoy the fight!  
Ganondorf - HELP! He's giving me a chain mail wedgie!

**DAY 04 - RED TEAM**

Link - How did my cheering Zelda lose us Immunity?  
Roy - It's a psychological effect, Link!  
Samus - What do you know about psychology? Your main point in life is to sword fight!  
Roy - I like swords!  
Bowser - I am an urge to exterminate someone.  
Falco - You always have an urge to exterminate someone.  
DK - SHUT THE (!&#(& UP!  
Ness - NO, YOU SHUT THE !)&#(& UP!!  
Mario - Mamma mia! Not again!  
Peach - Are we doomed to such pitiful attempts at humor?  
Pichu - The preceding nine chapters and the current chapter we are taking member of seem to be feckless evidence of your statement.

**DAY 04 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - Whoever tells the best joke wins their team Immunity.  
Peach - Okay, so two nuns and a Cubs fan walk into a bar, and-  
Dr. Mario - HA HA HA HAAAAA! You win!  
Fox - You get the feeling that there is favoritism in the judging?  
G&W - (_sarcastic_)   
Blue Team - We vote off Ganondorf, because he screams like a girl when being pummeled.  
Ganondorf - I do not, you bunch of stupid bas-  
C. Falcon - (_Punches him_.)  
Ganondorf - (_Screams like a little girl and runs away_.)  
Daisy - Well, he did prove himself right.  
Link - No, he didn't!  
Daisy - We said he screams like a girl. He actually screams like a little girl!  
Pichu - My previous hypothesis on the comedy in this fan-based writing seems to be still fairly accurate.

**DAY 05 - BLUE TEAM**

Yoshi - I'm actually sorry that Ganondorf is gone.  
Marth - Why on earth would you do that?  
Yoshi - There is no one to feel superior over, masculine-wise.  
Daisy - I agree.  
Others - (_Stare at her._)  
Daisy - I meant from a tomboy's point-of-view, alright?  
Others - (_Stare at her._)  
Daisy - Could you stop that?  
C. Falcon - Sorry, but we couldn't help but notice that large spider in your hair.  
Daisy - Oh that? It's my pet; he doesn't bother me.  
Y. Link - Wow. I was expecting her to freak out and scream like girls always do-  
Luigi - AAAAAAAH!! GET IT OFF HER! GET IT OFF HER! (_Starts swatting at Daisy's head, hitting her more than the spider_.)  
Daisy - OW! Luigi! Stop it! OW!  
Zelda - This is mildly amusing.  
Pikachu - I think the author is running out of ideas.  
Fox - _Okay, so Zelda is usually paired with Link. Big deal! This is fan fiction! If Marth, Link, Roy, or even Ganondorf can have her, why can't I? I'm a decent fellow, and-_  
Krystal - What about me, Fox?  
Fox - AAAAH! Where'd you come from? And how'd you read my mind?  
Krystal - I just arrived for a cameo, and I didn't read your mind; just because you're talking in italics doesn't mean I can't hear you.  
Fox - You mean... that the others... and Zelda... all heard-  
G&W - Yep. Every word you were thinking/saying.  
Fox - CURSE YOU, HTML!

**DAY 05 - RED TEAM**

Link - I sense a disturbance in the Triforce. Someone wants my woman! (_Unsheathes sword_.)  
Ness - Put that away! You're going to poke someone's eye out!  
Bowser - Cool! Start swinging it around, Link!  
Peach - You men and your toys! Do you have to compensate for everything?  
Mario - What about me-a, Peachy?  
Peach - You use great balls of fire.  
Kirby - Okay, that was just sick. Shut up.  
Samus - NO, YOU SHUT THE &()#) UP!  
Falco - IS THERE NO WAY TO STOP THAT !)#&()$ RUNNING GAG?!  
DK - You got me.  
Roy - You also got me.  
Pichu - (_Singing_.) You got me so I can't sleep at night! You really got me! You really got me!

**DAY 05 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Luigi - Uh, Daisy? Before the Immunity Challenge starts in, I just wanted to apologize for-  
Daisy - It's okay, Luigi. When you nearly punched my head in and squashed my beloved pet all over my hair, I saw how much you cared for me!  
Fox - Is that really how to get a woman to like you?  
G&W - Don't try it, Fox.  
Dr. Mario - For today, I want to have a race. Each team pick your fastest member.  
C. Falcon - I'll go for the Blue Team.  
Falco - I'll go for Red-  
Bowser - Oh no, you don't! I'm the fastest here, so you stupid idiots back away! I'll tear this course up!  
Dr. Mario - Ready, GO!  
Bowser - BUA HA HAAAAA! I'll beat the Blues so hard that they'll-  
C. Falcon - Too late, I won.  
Bowser - WHAT?! But we just started!  
G&W - One of the characteristics of a story, Bowser, is that you don't see every move your opponent makes.  
Bowser - CURSE YOU, HTML!!  
Red Team - We vote off Samus, because she is starting to smell again in that suit of her's.  
Samus - I don't mind. I want out of this metal confident too, ya know!  
G&W - Did you forget your password is Swordfish' again?  
Samus - (_Is released from metal suit_.) Ah, freedom! Now, about being voted off...  
Red Team - 

**DAY 06 - RED TEAM**

Bowser - Hell hath no fury like Samus scorned, huh? I'll never recover from what she did to us.  
Kirby - What are you talking about? She thanked us, winked at Captain Falcon, and then left peacefully!  
Bowser - Exactly! I hate people being polite!  
DK - So would you like it if I rammed my fist into your face, because that wouldn't be polite?  
Ness - He's got you there, Bowser.  
Falco - Off the topic, I wonder who the cameo person will be?  
Fighter (from 8-Bit Theater) - I like swords.  
Roy - I like swords too!  
Link - I like swords as well!  
Fighter, Roy and Link - LONG LIVE SWORDS!  
Black Mage - Oh Gods, I don't think I'll have the strength to stab all of you losers!  
Peach - Can't we all get along?  
Mario - We're video game characters, of course not!  
Pichu - Can the reality-TV's camera's switch to the Blue Team now? Our team seems to be deeply lost in the subject of slender, iron blades and penetrating them into the hearts of our allies.

**DAY 06 - BLUE TEAM**

Thief - So you haven't seen an armor-clad man and a short-fused wizard run by here?  
Daisy - Nope, sorry. We'll inform you if we do.  
Red Mage - No need. If we lose them, I'm sure it would be for the best of Thief and myself.  
Popo - Why's that?  
(_Suddenly, Black Mage uses Hadoken and the entire island is engulfed in a fiery explosion that sends everyone rocking upwards_.)  
Popo - Forget I asked!  
Luigi - Mamma mia! The island is destroyed!  
C. Falcon - I'm sure it will be restored by the time we go to Immunity Challenge!  
Y. Link - How can they do that?  
Marth - That's Set & Design's problem, not ours!  
Mr. Game & Watch - Set & Design? He's my cousin!  
Zelda - Uh, guys? Now that we've finished accelerating upwards, I think we are going to plummet to our deaths.  
Yoshi - I REGRET NOTHING!  
Fox - I want to say this before I die! I love you, Zelda!  
Pikachu - Oh, pshaw. We video game characters/animé characters fall hundreds of feet and survive the impact!  
Fox - You mean... I just-  
G&W -   
Fox - CURSE YOU, UNEXPLAINABLE LAWS OF PHYSICS!!  
Black Mage - Oh please, you think you've seen the bad side of those fuggers? You ain't seen shit!  
(_Sounds of twenty-five bodies hitting the wasted island, with murmurings of I still like swords, Shut up, Fighter, or I'll stab you in places you don't even know exist, and Only I threaten Fighter, Bowser, so fug off!_)

**DAY 06 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Link - Don't think I didn't hear what you said about Zelda, Fox!  
Fox - Black Mage was right! From the other side of an island and during an explosion that matched the firepower of a nuclear bomb, Link was still able to hear what I said! What a bunch of bastards those laws of physics are!  
Pichu - I do believe that the laws of physics are not to blame for your current situation but instead Link's elven ears.  
Fox - CURSE YOU, LAWS OF FANTASY!!  
(_Link lunges at Fox and a fight begins_.)  
Zelda - Stop it, you two! I will not have any fighting over me!  
G&W - Actually Zelda, I think Fox is just fighting for his life there.  
Dr. Mario - Can we keep the love affairs out of this? Now, for Immunity Challenge, I want the strongest member of each-a team to have an arm-wrestling-a match!  
Y. Link - I'm pretty strong! I'll go for the Blue Team!  
DK - I'll go for the Red Team!  
Y. Link - CURSE YOU, CRUEL LAWS OF COMEDY!  
Laws - You know, I'm beginning to think that we're not wanted, guys.  
Dr. Mario - Red Team-a wins! Don't-a worry, Young Link, your-a arm will-a heal in no time.  
Y. Link - It's been flattened like a pancake!  
Dr. Mario - Yes, I-a see that.  
Y. Link - And it's been torn from my socket!  
Dr. Mario - I am-a doctor, you know!   
Y. Link - And DK threw it over the horizon to gloat over the victory!  
Dr. Mario - Ah. That part may take awhile...  
Y. Link - Well, I can't stay on the island in this condition.  
Blue Team - We vote off Young Link so that he can be armed again!  
Y. Link - Thanks, guys! Oh, and Mature Me, break it up with Fox already.  
Link - Okay fine. (_Gets up and walks away from a bruised, panting, wild-eyed Fox._)  
Fox - My life flashed before my eyes! ... All of them, actually; my God, do I use a lot of continues in Star Fox 64!  
Pichu - I was under the impression that Fox was one of the author's cherished characters! Is this what he does to his favorites?  
Yoshi - Oh man, am I screwed.  
G&W - Don't flatter yourself. The story is named about me, so I'm more screwed than any of you at a bar with a metal screwdriver in a screwdriver drink on Screwy Louie night!  
C. Falcon - That metaphor made no sense whatsoever.  
Red Mage and Pikachu - Can I go home now?  
Black Mage - SHUT UP!  
Roy - NO, YOU SHUT THE &(#$&(#% UP!!  
C. Falcon - Aaaah! The running jokes are all coming back! I might become offensively homosexual again!  
Zelda - CURSE YOU, LIMITED IMAGINATION OF THE AUTHOR!!  
Pichu - You know, I envisage we may have to postpone this Survivor series for the ensuing chapter. Do not fret, readers, for I can most assuredly inform you that what you are missing is not very worthwhile.  
Fighter - I like swords.  
G&W - End the fugging chapter already.  
  
THE CHAPTER IS OVER. TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE NEXT EXCITING' EPISODE OF SMASH SURVIVOR.'  
  
Pichu - I can, quite effortlessly, tell that the author also originated that title.  
ComedyMagmar - Sigh. It is so depressing when even the characters you write think you are an idiot.  
Pichu - I conclude the chapters, not you, so sod off!


	11. Smash Survivor Part 2

Author's Note - Part 2, coming after Part 1, the first one, meaning that this one would be second one. Or would that be that this two would be second two? No matter.  
Disclaimer - I do not any characters from SSBM, Sonic the Hedgehog, MST3K, or Lord of the Rings.  
  
---  
  
Chapter 11 - Smash Survivor Part 2  
  
If you've just tuned in, you should just go back a chapter. If you refuse to for some extremely bizarre reason, then we'll fill you in on who's been voted off:  
Ms. Samus Aran (Orange-Suited Metroid Woman), Itr. Mewtwo Shadows (Killer Eyed Pokémon), Ms. Nana Snowball (Female Midget in Snowsuit), Ms. Jigglypuff Lullaby (Singing Balloon Pokémon), Mr. Ganondorf Dragmire (Dark-Hearted Powermonger), Mr. Young Link Masters (Prepubescent Hero of Time).  
Anyway, back to the bloody show!

**DAY 07 - BLUE TEAM**

Luigi - AIIIIE!! Where did we go in that brief period of nothing?!  
Popo - Relax. It was just the ending of Chapter 10 and the beginning of this chapter, Chapter 11.  
Fox - Chapter 10 was really, really embarrassing.  
Pikachu - For you, yeah. Speaking and yelling out how much you love Zelda.  
Marth - What's up with all that, anyway? Who the hell cares about romance anymore?  
Captain Falcon - Wait, aren't you married?  
Zelda - Sigh. Things are so complicated in a humor story.  
Daisy - Least it's a erotic story, honey, or we'd be kissing each other.  
Yoshi - And much more than that! But I don't want to go into details.  
Mr. Game & Watch - I agree. Yoshi, you don't go into details. Zelda and Daisy, you two do.  
Yoshi - That's a really crude joke.  
G&W - Give me a break, it's just the beginning of the chapter!

**DAY 07 - RED TEAM**

Pichu - My goodness, this chapter is sure off to an extremely dilatory pace! I surmise that the author is possessing hot water devising modernistic intellections!  
Bowser - God, do you ever speak in a way that normal beings can understand?  
Link - Oh, I can see how you are a normal being, eh Bowser?  
Peach - Hey, you're the one who tried to pound Fox just for liking Zelda!  
Mario - Don't-a knock him-a, Peachy! He's-a dissing Bowser!  
Kirby - Gee, I hope there are more cameos this time!  
Falco - Are you all quite done? We have to be ready for when the Immunity Challenge starts!  
Ness - What for? The contest are either pure luck, Peach winning because the host is Dr. Mario, or a bikini mud-wrestling contest!  
Donkey Kong - Ooo, I think I speak for everyone when I say I wouldn't mine seeing the wrestling match again!  
Roy - Geez, why are we revising what happened in the last chapter? Anyone reading this one most certainly read this one!  
Pichu - Oh, I do not imagine that to be the accurate supposal for the current circumstances. We are dealing with internet autochthons, and several of them are quite maladroit. There are those who would read this tale out of placement.  
Kirby - Would they really do something that weird and stupid?  
Pichu - We are divulging about humans, Kirby.  
Kirby - Oh yeah.

**DAY 07 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Master Hand - I'm glad you all came back after the first chapter.  
Fox - Hey there, where's Dr. Mario?  
Master Hand - He couldn't make it; let's leave it at that. Anyway, as I was saying, it's really nice when characters come back. Not like Samus, Mewtwo, Nana, Jigglypuff, Ganondorf, and Young Link! Bunch of bastards...  
Peach - They were voted off!  
Master Hand - Really? Gosh. Maybe I should actually watch the show.  
Marth - Don't you produce it?  
Master Hand - Ooo yeah, I do. Gee, it is costing me a small fortune too...  
Pikachu - You pay for the show, and you don't even watch it?!  
G&W - Man, that says something about the ratings we're getting.  
Master Hand - Well actually, the ratings have been higher than The Simpsons ever since the bikini mud-wrestling contest with Peach and Zelda. So if you don't mind, I'd like to do it again for today's Immunity Challenge-  
Zelda - Oh no you don't! I'd rather eat salty razor blades!  
Master Hand - Ooo yeah, today's an eating contest! The first food item is a red snapper!  
Yoshi (Blue) and Kirby (Red) - HELL YEAH! I LOVE RED SNAPPERS!  
Master Hand - No professionals-  
Mario - Too-a late.  
DK - Wow. They ate all of the food that was for the contest. And the table that it was on. And the chairs they were supposed to sit on. ... And some of the other contestants.  
Luigi - (_muffled, inside Kirby_) - I-a say, could-a someone get me out of de-a marshmellow?  
Popo - (_muffled, inside Kirby_) - I wouldn't mind escaping his mouth too!  
Zelda - (_muffled, inside Yoshi_) - Ugh. I'm guessing that one of the items that he was supposed to eat was a fur coat. Hey, pretty soft, sexy even!  
G&W - (_muffled, inside Yoshi_) - That's Fox's tail, Zelda.  
Fox - (_muffled, inside Yoshi_) - Aw, thanks for ruining it for me, Flat Zone boy!  
Master Hand - Well, since Yoshi ate more of the contestants, he and the Blue Team win!  
Pichu - My goodness, this show is still lacking in humor as much as the last chapter was absent of comedy.  
Red Team - We vote off Roy, because we don't know whom else to vote off.  
Roy - How about someone else? Ever think of that?  
Red Team - Oh yeah. But wouldn't that involved voting ourselves off?  
Roy - Oh forget it. This joke is very lousy and I'm giving up on it. (_Leaves_.)  
Zelda - Oh dear, doesn't the poor author have any self-esteem in his humor?  
Master Hand - I know I don't. In his comedy, anyway.  
(_Dr. Mario comes running in._)  
Dr. Mario - There you are, Master Hand! You locked me in the closet during the break between chapters so you could steal the show! Have at thee!  
Master Hand - Oh shi-  
(_Sounds of an Italian doctor pummeling the hell out of giant, white, magic glove commences._)  
Ness - Ooo, now this is funny!  
Falco - The author finally is entertaining us!  
G&W - Gee, I hope the same can be said about the readers.

**DAY 08 - RED TEAM**

Mario - Without-a Roy around, dis-a place seems... different...  
Kirby - Yeah, not so fiery and swordy and red-haired.  
Falco - Just say it, guys! He's a minor character in this story, so he's cannon fodder, like slasher film victims!  
Ness - He didn't die though.  
Falco - Come on! You got the point of what I'm saying right?  
DK - Donkey all confused.  
Falco - I feel the urge to hurt someone. Seriously. I'm talking emergency room here.  
Link - I like swords.  
Bowser - You all suck!  
Falco -   
Peach - Since when do you roar, Falco? I mean... AAAH!  
(_Sounds of an irate bird man letting out his rage physically on several beings can be heard_.)  
Pichu - Ooo, I daresay that this is the author's hint' as to who will be voted off proximate. I mean really, how more apparent can it be after he kicks their gluteus maximus all round about the island?

**DAY 08 - BLUE TEAM**

G&W - Did you guys just hear that? Sounded like an irate bird man pounding the crap out of a bunch of people?  
Fox - Ah, they must have pissed off Falco. I learned the hard way many times not to tick off the bird guy.  
Popo - Why's that, does he beat you up?  
Fox - No, he goes and dies in another story and makes me feel guilty.  
Pikachu - Gee, that must suck.  
C. Falcon - I agree. Dying constantly stinks. We would know, we're video game characters!  
Zelda - Speaking of dying and getting beaten up, I don't think I apologized for Link's behavior on Day 06, Fox.  
Marth - You didn't beat him up!  
Zelda - Yeah, but I feel the need to apologize. Elven gals are used to men hurting themselves for us.  
Daisy - (_grumbling to herself_) - Bloody blonds always shoving us brunettes out of the limelight! I'll get revenge for all of us, just wait until the next mud wrestling match!  
Luigi - Hey-a, did you-a say something, Daisy?  
Daisy - No, nothing.  
Yoshi - I just hope when SSBM2 comes out, there are more ladies. Peach, Zelda, Samus and the occasional Daisy just aren't enough for the obsessive pairing out there.  
G&W - I'll bring Mrs. Game & Watch!  
Popo - Your wife?  
G&W - No, just another Flat Zone lady. And boy, is Mrs. Game & Watch flat!

**DAY 08 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - All-a right, for today's challenge, I want you all to... GOOD HEAVENS! What happened to you, Red Team?  
Red Team -   
Pichu - I managed to bilk agony. I mentally comprehend when to retain my mouth shut.  
Bowser - Why do I doubt that?  
Dr. Mario - Well, you're all lucky I'm a doctor! I'll-a tend to your-a wounds when the Immunity Challenge is over. For-a now, I would like another mud wrestling contest!  
Guys -   
Girls -   
Mr. Game & Watch - I'll get the popcorn.  
Zelda - Speaking as a lady and one who will be forced into this disgusting show of chauvinism, I would like to say-  
Daisy - HAVE AT THEE, BLONDY! (_Tackles Zelda into the mud pit_.)  
Zelda - Ouch! Daisy, what on earth-  
Daisy - I didn't even get to be in the game, and instead a bunch of yellow-haired, kidnappable princesses do instead! All I get to be is a trophy and a costume! Do you know how evil that is? EVIL, I SAY!  
Pichu - Falco, you should consider yourself fortunate that you are not the only soul making it blatantly obvious that you will be voted off.  
Dr. Mario - ... Uh... since Daisy won, that means Zelda lost. So does Blue Team win or lose? Oh, heck, I'll-a flip a coin! Heads, Blue loses.  
Falco and Daisy - Oh great. My chances are all hanging on a penny. He's that cheap, he doesn't even use a quarter!  
Dr. Mario - Heads! Blue loses, Red wins!  
Daisy - Crud! Well, I might as well go-  
Blue Team - We vote off Captain Falcon.  
Daisy - What?! Guys... thanks, but why?  
Popo - Falcon asked us to beforehand; he didn't want to become a stereotypical dumb homosexual' again.  
Fox - Plus, Luigi would thrash us, and we've had enough thrashings. Or at least I have.  
Marth - Wow, we don't even have to insult this situation; it speaks for it's own stupidity!  
C. Falcon - My friends, I salute you for helping me! Good-bye and good luck! (_Leaves._)  
Fox - Feel okay, Zelda?  
Zelda - Yes, I'm fine. I can't blame Daisy for wanting to almost bash my skull in; I'd be ticked if all I was left out.  
Sonic - How do you think I feel?!

**DAY 09 - BLUE TEAM**

G&W - I don't know if I speak for everyone here when I say this...  
Marth - Go right ahead.  
G&W - ... but I would really prefer it if they handed out chocolate-covered peanuts on airlines rather than honey roasted ones.  
Marth - Okay, you don't speak for all of us. HAVE AT THEE, HONEY-HATING BASTARD!  
G&W - BRING IT ON, DORK!! (_They fight_.)  
Pikachu - Why is everyone so hostile?  
Popo - I HEARD THAT, YOU ELECTRIC RAT! HAVE AT THEE! (_They fight_.)  
Zelda - I think the reality TV show is really starting to get to them.  
Luigi - How could it be annoying them? They're-a on it!  
Daisy - They can't stand the show they're on? Man, now that is sad.  
Yoshi - Fox, I'm telling you! Start courting Zelda now! You wait too long, and she'll be seeing too much of Link! Or someone else!  
Fox - Yes, I see your point-  
Yoshi - I'll help you get her, man! You'll need it, since she's the girl all the bad guys want!  
Fox -   
Yoshi - She's watching wrestling, creamin' over tough guys!  
Fox - Zelda?! I don't think she does-  
Yoshi - Listening to rap metal-  
Fox- You listen to Bowling For Soup far too much.  
Yoshi - She likes em with a mustache!  
Fox - That's Peach.

**DAY 09 - RED TEAM**

Link - I can hear the Blue Team in violent fights between themselves. They must be suffering from being on the show too much.  
Ness - Wow, those ears are really handy, aren't they?  
Link - I also hear that foul vulpine boy talking to the dinosaur about stealing my woman! HAVE AT THEE! (_Charges in the general direction of the Blue Team._)  
Mario - Is it not aware of the thick forest on dis-a island?  
DK - Well, Link travels through forests all the time in his games, and he never gets lost.  
Pichu - Yes but those were organized forests with direct pathways and a Player's Guide to aid him in his search for an item he already knew where its position was thanks to an online walkthrough.  
Kirby - Wow. I never knew Link was that helpless.  
Peach - Careful honey, he might still hear you.  
Bowser - You all still suck.  
Pichu - HAVE AT THEE, DORK!! (_They fight_.)

**DAY 09 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - Why must you-a all fight amongst yourselves? Can't you all get along?  
Marth - If we didn't fight, what would be the point of watching?  
Link - Hey, not every show needs violent conflict!  
Yoshi - Your point would be taken better if you were not throttling Fox.  
Fox - I -hurk!- agree with -gasp!- Yoshi! Violence -warg!- is never -ack!- the answer!  
Popo - What are you talking about? We're video game characters! We need to be violent!  
G&W - Hah! Not me! While you all get your heads mashed in and your lives risked for a coin or rupee, I just catch oil, scuba dive and apply manholes!  
Mario - Suddenly, my life of stomping turtles and eating mushrooms seems to be a gruesome, painful one.  
Daisy - What is the Immunity Challenge, anyway?  
Dr. Mario - A fight! A classic battle between a member of each team!  
Pikachu - Well, Fox and Link are already fighting, so-  
Popo - Quiet you fool, Fox is losing!  
Fox - I wouldn't be if he had two million weapons in that tunic of his! Ow! No! Don't use the Fire Rod! My fur is very flammable!  
Link - Say goodnight, foul beast!  
Fox - Goodnight, foul beast!  
Zelda - Link! Stop this at once! If you are just going to pick on Fox, then I challenge you to this fight!  
Link - But... but... I can't fight you-  
Dr. Mario - Then Zelda wins! Blue Team gains Immunity!  
Link - Foul wench! You tricked me! Have at thee! (_Lunges at Zelda, realizes what he doing, and falls to the ground in mid-lunge._)  
G&W - Why is it that everyone all of a sudden speaks Shakespearian?  
Red Team - We vote Falco off, for beating us up that one time!  
Falco - Aw, come on! A little pain never hurt anyone!  
Red Team - Actually, it does.  
Falco - Fine! I never wanted to be on this stinkin' island anyway! No Lylatian women, no booze, no planes, and worst of all, no internet connection! I've been missing all my favorite fanfiction stories!  
Krystal - (_Enters_.) Hi, guys. Am I too late to see the Immunity Challenge?  
Daisy - Like all of the Immunity Challenges, it wasn't really worth watching.  
G&W - Speak for yourself, I still liked the mud wrestling ones!  
Fox - Hey Krystal, it's good to see you but why'd you decide to come here today?  
Krystal - Uh... this isn't easy for me to say, but... I love Falco! I just wanted to let him know, I couldn't hold it in any longer!  
Kirby - This is too friggin' mushy.  
Fox - Well, you two belong to each other. After all, you both have blue skin.  
Falco - Thanks, buddy! (_He and Krystal leave hand-in-hand._)  
Yoshi - Wow, you took that very well, Fox!  
Fox - Does someone have a gun? I'm going to shoot myself now.  
Marth - Don't you have a gun?  
Fox - That's right! Good-bye, cruel fanfiction world!  
Yoshi - No! Don't shoot yourself! This is not an Angst/Tragedy story! It's Humor/Parody story! Suicide is not funny! (_Wrestles with Fox over gun_.)  
G&W - End the fugging day already!

**DAY 10 - RED TEAM**

Mario - I-a wonder if Fox is okay.  
Kirby - He's not on our team, so it doesn't matter if he blows his brains out.  
Mario - What? Why does him not being on the other team make it not matter?!  
Kirby - We wouldn't see it happen, and it won't be scarred for life.  
Bowser - Excellent! People scared for life, that's my type of humor!  
Peach - Not scared, scarred!  
Bowser - What's the difference?  
Pichu - Must... withstand... hankering to... ameliorate... in essay form!  
Ness - Well, I can't think of anything to say. How about you, DK?  
DK - Funny how we can only say one or two lines in an entire day.  
Link - I know what I'm going to say! I belong to Zelda! How dare the author drive Zelda and I further and further apart!  
Peach - You don't rave like this when they pair you up with me!  
Ness - Or with Cassandra or Sophitia from Soul Calibur 2.  
Mario - Or Malon or Saria or Nabooru or-  
Link - Knock it off!  
Bowser - Or Shadow Link or Ganondorf!  
Pichu - No, I envision Link would fret about that nature of coupling.  
DK - All of us would too.

**DAY 10 - BLUE TEAM**

Popo - Hey Yoshi, were you able to keep Fox from killing himself?  
Yoshi - I hog tied him, threw his gun in the ocean, was able to bring a group of expert psychologists for him, and assured him that there are other fish in the sea!  
Pikachu - It sounds like everything is okay-  
Yoshi - He's turned into a Gollum' case.  
Faux - Nasty green dinosaur! He's stolen our Precious!  
Fox - No, Yoshi is good to Fox! He likes us!  
Faux - Nobody likes you! You're a liar and a thief!  
Fox - I'm not listening to you!  
Faux -   
Fox - Still not listening to you!  
Faux - FRENCH MAN!  
Fox - I hates you, I hates you!  
Faux - Fool! Where would we be without me?!  
Fox - Untied, armed, and actually having a chance with Zelda. Now that you've turned us into psychological issue, we have as much chance as the Cubs do of winning the pennant!  
Faux - AUGH! THE FACTS! YOU'RE RIGHT! NOOOO!  
Fox - LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK!  
Pikachu - He's talking to Faux again.  
Luigi - Poor guy. He's really taking it hard that Krystal ran off with Falco and Zelda won't date him.  
Zelda - Oh I would date him but not if Faux comes along.  
Daisy - We could double-date; I'll take Faux.  
Marth - Ah, she will take care of him! Oh yes, she will!  
G&W - Enough! That joke has been run into the ground so often that the tire tracks have become tattoos!  
Faux - Even we can think of better analogies than that, my Precious! And we be mental issues!  
ComedyMagmar - Sigh. Even the psycho spoofs I create hate my material. I'll just be getting Fox's gun and...  
**BANG!!**

DAY 10 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Dr. Mario - I'm sorry we were late but the author shot himself, and had to recover.  
Pichu - How does one recoup from a bullet imbedded in the head?  
Ness - Video game laws, Pichu, you can survive anything so long as you have extra continues.  
Dr. Mario - Our Immunity Challenge today is to create a better pun than the author's!  
G&W - You call that a challenge?!  
**BANG!!**  
Dr. Mario - HA HA!! That was hilarious, Peach! Red Team wins!  
Peach - Thanks, Dr. Mario!  
Kirby - But you didn't-  
Peach - (_Out of the corner of her mouth_.) Just smile and nod, Kirby!  
Blue Team - We vote off Pikachu, because he wants to go home.  
Pikachu - Hugs! Lots of hugs! I love you, guys!  
Bowser - Yay! He's finally gone!  
Pichu - My almighty savior supra, you cannot even recollect the teammates on your team, even the ones you abhor!  
Bowser - Hey, that one doesn't have pink cheeks! He's a mutant Pichu!  
Faux - Stupid humor! We hates the author forever!  
ComedyMagmar - QUIET, YOU! (_Shoots Faux._)  
Faux - (_Dies_.)  
Fox - Thank you, ComedyMagmar! If only more authors out there would shoot my evil, insane side!  
Link - You think that's bad?! Shadow Link is far worse than any wannabe-Gollum!  
Popo - Yeah, well MY evil twin wears a tutu and sings country songs!  
G&W - My evil twins look and act exactly like me, they just get in the way of my food juggling and mole pounding!  
Marth - NOW I'VE HEARD EVERY GODDAMN JOKE THERE IS!! PIKACHU, TAKE ME WITH YOU!!

**DAY 11 - BLUE TEAM**

Popo - Didn't this story used to be just a plotless Survivor spoof? I keep getting traces of plot every now and then.  
Marth - And mushy business.  
Daisy - And making fun of the author.  
G&W - (_sarcastic_) Oh, right on, chaps! Let's keep up this attitude, because God forbid that we would try to make the story worthwhile to read.  
Daisy - ... No, that's too easy.  
Luigi - Maybe we should just bring back the running gags?  
Yoshi - Okay by me, but it may be that the gags start to run, literally.  
G&W - (_Gags_.)  
Zelda - Now now, let us not bicker amongst ourselves.  
Marth - SHUT THE (#$!)(& UP!  
Zelda - NO, YOU SHUT THE (#$!)(& UP!  
Fox - I saw that one coming.  
G&W - (_Gags again_.)

**DAY 11 - RED TEAM**

Pichu - Whom do you living beings presume is going to triumph?  
Red Team -   
Pichu - What I was really anticipating was if you surmised someone else would prevail.  
Red Team - No chance.  
Pichu - It is quite breathtaking how every one of you carbon-based life forms is able to speak in flawless unison.  
Red Team - Thanks, it's a gift!  
DK - I'll bet Diddy is going to win this.  
Ness - I'll bet Paula will!  
Mario - I-a bet that Wario will win!  
Link - I think Saria will win this!  
Bowser - Wart! Wart all the way!  
Peach - I believe Toad can win this game.  
Kirby - Meta Knight rules! Go Meta Knight!  
Pichu - None of those video game characters are participating in this contest.  
Diddy Kong, Paula, Wario, Saria, Wart, Toad, and Meta Knight - What?! You have no faith in us, Pichu!  
Pichu - These cameos are embarking on becoming out of control.

**DAY 11 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - Pichu, I am shocked that you did not mention me when you talking about possible victors!  
Pichu - As host, is it remotely feasible for you to achieve victory in this game/reality show?  
Dr. Mario - No but that's beside the point! Anyway, today, you have to mention de worst movie of all-time to win!  
Pichu - I humbly suggest _ - The Hands of Fate_ as being the most revolting of all movies made by non-talented amateurs!  
G&W - _Red Zone Cuba_! Guaranteed death or coma!  
Fox - _Squirm_! _Monster-A-Go-Go_! Or _Hobgoblins_!  
Yoshi - _The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?_!  
Peach - I don't like that one movie with that one plot based on that one guy-  
Dr. Mario - DEAR-A GOD! Peach, do not continue, or I-a may vomit-a! You win, you win! Red Team wins!  
Yoshi - Why did we even bother?  
G&W - You fools! You do not truly bad movies until you see the ones on _Mystery Science Theater 3000_! I puke 2-D vomit just thinking of some of those movie cruds!  
Fox - Well, so long as Dr. Mario was thinking of one from the show, and/or Peach was, I guess it's justifiable.  
Crow T. Robot - Can I suggest _Hellcats_? Or _Devil Fish_?  
Tom Servo - _The Beginning of the End_! _Giant Spider Invasion_!  
Mike Nelson - _The Brain That Wouldn't Die_! _Werewolf_!  
Joel Robitson - _Cave Dwellers_! _Pod People_!  
Marth - You guys watch that show far too much.  
Crow, Servo, Mike and Joel - We're IN the show!  
Marth - That explains everything!  
Fox - By that logic, you could say you watch too much Survivor.  
Marth - I hate Survivor!  
Yoshi - I repeat, Why did we even bother?'  
Blue Team - We vote off Marth, because we can't think of anyone else to vote off, and we all flipped coins.  
Marth - Yeah whatever, I really didn't need to win; I'm rich enough to buy this island. I'll just be on my way. (_Leaves_.)  
Popo - You think he would buy the island?  
Crow - _Marth's Island_ doesn't sound as good as _Smash Survivor_.  
G&W - You like the title?  
Crow - Not really, the author just paid me to say something positive.

**DAY 12 - BLUE TEAM**

Popo - Did you guys notice that we just voted two members off in a row?  
Luigi - You-a like to-a ask a lot of questions, don't you?  
Popo - Why, does it annoy you?  
Daisy - Popo's right, you know! Dr. Mario gives it to Peach, we vote off a member, and pretty soon we all get voted off!  
Zelda - Yeah! Wait a minute...  
Blue Team -   
Fox - Freedom, here we come!  
Yoshi - I suddenly like the judging!  
G&W - And to think I thought that Dr. Mario was an ice skating judge!

**DAY 13 - RED TEAM**

Pichu - Do any of you mammals or turtles heed that with Peach on our team, none of us will ever be cast away?  
Red Team (except Pichu) -   
Pichu - So failing this on-the-air contest is the course of your goal?  
Ness - I want off of this flippin' island! I have sand in every part of my body, including my pancreas!  
DK - We've been eating cooked fish with a side of grass for the past eight days!  
Mario - I-a have sea water stains on my-a best pair of stomping boots!  
Bowser - I have to put up with you guys!  
Peach - We have to put up with Bowser!  
Kirby - I'm bored!  
Pichu - Has the fact that we score $1,000,000 as the main prize slipped the concept of your sandy, ocean-soggy minds?  
Peach - Wait... there's a prize?  
Kirby - And it's money?  
Bowser - A shit load of money?!  
Ness - And with Peach, we have a smaller chance of being voted off?!  
Red Team -   
Pichu - Money. The ultimate mood changer.

**DAY 13 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - I'd like you all to-a know that after de next Immunity, we will squeeze de last thirteen contestants into one big team!  
G&W - Ah darn. That means only two lucky members of our team will be assured off this stupid island!  
Ness - Have you forgot that we win a million dollars as the grand prize?!  
G&W - Dollar bills are considered too fat for Flat Zone currency.  
Luigi - I got all de money I need in-a my last game!  
Fox - I'm not being paid enough to earn that kind of money.  
Popo - Gumball machines do not take dollar bills.  
Daisy and Zelda - We're princesses. We have enough money to buy this island!  
Yoshi - ... Wait, could one million dollars buy this island?  
Dr. Mario -   
Yoshi - What a rip-off.  
Dr. Mario - (_clears throat_) On the matter at hand, the team that tells the best running joke wins.  
G&W - Does it matter? Red Team is going to win, because you always give the win to Peach!  
Dr. Mario - Ha ha ha haaaaa! That's a killer, Mr. Game & Watch! Blue Team wins!  
Blue Team - EXCLAMATION POINT EXCLAMATION POINT EXCLAMATION POINT!  
Red Team - DOUBLE-U TEE EFF?!  
Pichu - To declare that any of us creatures or humanoids beheld that one approaching would be a false statement.  
Red Team - We vote off Bowser, for he sucks.  
Bowser - No, you all suck!  
Red Team - SHUT THE ()&$(() UP!!  
Bowser - NO, YOU SHUT THE ()&$(() UP!!  
Dr. Mario - Wah ha ha haaaa! I love these run-on jokes!  
G&W - Can we vote Dr. Mario off? I'm just curious.

**DAY 14 - RED TEAM**

Kirby - Well, after today, we'll be one big team!  
DK - You do realize that if Peach stays on, she will win Immunity every time because of Dr. Mario?  
Pichu - My assumption is that power has wavered since yesterday.  
Peach - Right, so there's no need to vote me off!  
Ness - Why do you want the money? You're a princess! You have more than you need!  
Peach - That doesn't mean I want to win. What, should I just give up the contest?  
Link - I wouldn't mind that.  
Mario - Hey-a, you-a have more than enough money to! Millions of gem stones just-a by trimming lawns!  
Link - You collect coins! You're rich too!  
Mario - Maybe, but I have a wallet overloaded wid-a coinage. It's-a pretty heavy!  
Ness - Sigh. Money is not the answer to everything, guys!  
Pichu - No, the answer to life, the universe and everything I believe is 

**DAY 14 - BLUE TEAM**

Popo - So if we have to vote someone off today, who should it be? I wouldn't mind staying...  
Luigi - I-a want to go home.  
Fox - I have to leave this island before I lose my sanity. Again.  
Zelda - The love triangle I'm in is never going to be resolved while on this accursed contest.  
Daisy - This place sucks.  
Yoshi - Yoshi no happy here.  
G&W - I wanna blow this fugging popsicle stand!  
Popo - Gee, this makes it hard to decide whom the misery of.  
G&W - Life is not worth living anymore once you have lived in reality! ... TV!

**DAY 14 - IMMUNITY CHALLENGE**

Dr. Mario - I-a would like to assure you all that there will be reasonable judging in this contest.  
Pichu - How can you reassure us of this proposition?  
Crazy Hand - I'M JUDGING!! WHA HA DE HAR HA HA HAAA!  
Fox - Oh great. My sanity is lost again; I'm seeing giant, psychotic gloves!  
Crazy Hand - YOU WILL ALL DO THE CHICKEN DANCE UNTIL EVERY MEMBER FROM A TEAM COLLAPSES IN EXHAUSTION!! WHA HA BLA DE SHA BLOO BLA HAR HAAAAA!  
G&W - Just when you think it was safe to go back to Immunity Challenges...  
(_They begin the Immunity Challenge of deadly Chicken Dance. Everyone lasts a very long time, but no one can last longer than Mr. Game & Watch._)  
Crazy Hand - BLUE TEAM WINS! WAR HA FLA DA BLAH BLAH BLAH HAAAA!  
Pichu - My clever acquaintance, how were capable of enduring the Chicken Dance that long?  
G&W - It helps to have less frames-per-second, dude.  
Red Team - We vote off Donkey Kong, because he really doesn't want the money.  
DK - You can't eat it, you can't sleep on it, and you can't play the drums on it! No point! Well, I'm off, see you! (_Leaves_.)  
Dr. Mario - Well, now that I have locked Crazy Hand in a room with padded walls, I officially join all remaining contestants onto the same team!  
(_And so, those lucky' contestants are Pichu Kerzapper, Link Masters, Princess Peach Toadstool, Mario Mario, Kirby Stars, Ness Rockin, Luigi Mario, Popo Snowball, Fox McCloud, Princess Zelda Gaiden, Princess Daisy Margarita, Yoshi the Dinosaur, and Mr. Game & Watch._)  
Link - I'll be watching you, Fox.  
Fox - Why do I have the sudden feeling that I need to make out my last will?  
Zelda - I will not have any fighting over me! So Link, you behave yourself.  
Peach - Right! ... And no one fight over me too!  
Mario - All-a right then. (_Puts down Mallet_.)  
Kirby - Is it even necessary for me to say that I would prefer it if you guys do the same for me?  
Ness - Ah love. The strongest force in the world, for love makes men violent.  
Luigi - Do not-a feel bad, Daisy. I will never vote for-a you!  
Daisy - Thanks, Luigi. However, I do believe that not being blond will leave me at a disadvantage.  
Popo - Are we quite done yet?  
Yoshi - (_humming_) This is the chapter that never ends... yes, it goes on and on, my friends...  
Mr. Game & Watch - Do your thing, Pichu.  
Pichu - Thank you, my 2-D Flat Zone resident. Well, noble readers, you have survived this chapter, but what horrors await you in the incoming chapter? More dissatisfactory running jokes, or just the same putrid ones? If you find the humor to be humorous, please say so in your reviews, for the author, ComedyMagmar, does not have sufficient HP to endure another seppuku. If you did not enjoy the humor and found it humorless, then do not worry; you have the same opinion as us.  
**BANG!**  
Pichu -   
ComedyMagmar - Don't worry, I missed!  
Pichu - That is an alleviation, for if you did not, who would be around to articulate...  
  
TO BE CONTINUED?


End file.
